The next 50 years

I seems to me that humanity's interest in recording our history is directly correlated to our awareness of history. If all we ever hear are family stories, family history matters. If we hear of ancient times and how hard it is to get the story, we feel more need to create evidence of our experience than in times past. So that its not only the physical damage at issue in learning our past, but that the past didn't realize we would want to.

So the concern is about a very long term acquaintance. She is being attentive and generous and I truly don't trust her. Now she sent me a card with $100 in it appropos of nothing. I feel like I might be in sights of a sociopath. I mean we have no bad history but I know her brother and that cat has clearly been her victim. It's in how they fight and he loses his temper instantly with her. Tolerates no bossing and she's always exasperated and apologetic. I never twigged onto it before because I didn't know enough. So while the money is welcome it also has stress attached. Computer is down. I woke up to a crack through the digitizer screen. I may be able to use it if I can disable the digitizer in safe mode. Thing is I feel terrible today too. Yawning for no reason, dull brained, asthma is off the scales and the coughing has given me a massive headache and neck and shoulder ache and sore throat and chest pain. It's almost but not quite drowning out my usual lower back ...

 Just a shitty day for no reason at all.  Everything hurts. Tylenol is a joke. Headache, all my muscles ache, my tummy hurts. Back spasms. Sore hands. Feet aching. Can't stretch enough. Been like this for days.  But who cares? Take tylenol. Take selective seratonin reuptake inhibitors and stfu and go away.  Maybe if my family had cared enough to go to bat for me, to get me the disability support I needed, but they didn't.  So I'm stuck in a loop. Because I'm disabled I'm worthless to society. I don't have money or status or influence so I'm not worth putting any effort into. Because I'm not getting any support, I remain worthless. Because I remain worthless, I can't have support. Endless cycle of worthlessness. I am trying hard to fade into the walls because removing myself is the only "quick solution" I can offer to the problem of my existence. Just go away and suffer by myself. And whine in an anonymous blog where I can't get punished...

 One thing we learned from the character of Scrooge as written by C. Dickens is that wealthy people think about "reducing the surplus population."  Nobody's really surprised about that.  Except maybe their innocent family members.  Now everyone knows who the expendables are, they're the folks who require car. Whether because they're old or disabled.  They're the care home residents. Also known as "the vulnerable population" whom the Fox and allied networks want to test the vaccine on first. They're making the excuse that this will "protect" the vulnerable but given how rushed the vaccine is, it's much more likely they're choosing guinea pigs. But then there's this whole demographic of working class people being told Covid19 is fake. Don't worry about it. Resist it. Refuse all attempts to contain the virus as impingements on your freedom and the first in a long series of controls.  One might wonder why? Why convince the w...

 Why do I get like this? I slept fine last night. I ate a good breakfast with a cup of coffee, suddenly I can't keep my eyes open, I'm yawning and feel stupid and tired.  Why?  I'm taking multivitamines. I wish I could ask my doctor but he's a lazy fuckwit who doesn't listen when I tell him symptoms and then says he thinks I need SSRIs. Which are not rated for "excessive sleepiness" and may in fact create that problem. So frustrated. Nobody knows anything. I just look lazy and that's not why I'm sitting here struggling to think or do anything.

 I can't sleep. I always have trouble sleeping, but thought yeah, 3 hours at a stretch, not so bad, right? Wrong. after months and months it does build up and, what's more, explains the majority of issues I suffer, from the yawnies to the mood swings.  I never really made that connection till I was trying to find a reason for the yawnies. The yawnies are when I get stricken with constant yawning.  Constant. Eye watering and half asleep at my desk and wondering what's wrong with me.  Oh yeah. I thought diet, or nutrition, but the internet insists it's sleep deprivation. So I thought, ok, the woodstove maintenance and fear of being woken up by the fire department for "living in" the bus are keeping me awake, I'll move back to the house.  Great, got a good memory foam mattress, dark space, I'll sleep. Yeah right. Nope. Every 90 minutes I wake up with a hurting arm.  I flip sides. Check ostomy. Realign pillows to keep me off it. Fight the frustration and p...

 Oh boy, I know the name of the asshole who bullied me this autumn. See, a bitch called the city with a bogus complaint and they sent this asshole in to "deal with" me and he came on strong like bullies do. Straight up aggressive, accusatory, insulting and manipulative. Like ask a question then interrupt the answer with another question or to tell me he thinks I'm lying. Over and over. Prying questions. Vague threats of "something" and "you better comply" without any direction to which I could comply, and like that. He pushed his way into my bus uninvited, then started to take pictures.  Well at that point I pushed him back out physically because my protests were falling on deaf ears. So finally we're face to face (covid and no masks) and shouting at each other. He's shouting "smoke detector" and I'm shouting "carbon monoxide detector" like school children. The whole time he's got no rights in the first place to inve...