The next 50 years

As I proceed through transition I am addressing the question of sexuality. Now if you'd known me all my life at a bit of a distance you'd immediately say I was going to be a gay man. Truth. I have a lot in common with gay men. Including sex with men and a history thereof. But I find women more visually attractive.  When I fantasize, I'm a man with a woman. Not a man with a man (although gay porn is hawt) and not as the woman in the scene.  However, and this sorrows me, the porn fantasies that work on me are viciously misogynistic.  So to homophobia. I was raised with it. To the degree that the kids and parents would fight about it at the table. Homophobia so bad even their children could see it was unreasonable. My father would state, upon the subject being broached, that "as far as [he] was concerned, all fags should be lined up against the wall and shot!"  His stance weakened over the years as he got better educated about who those "fags" were. IE, m...

it's begun. On facebook in some places nobody sees me as anything but a man. So they're responding to me as a man. Some are harsher with me, they are angry at men. Most, sadly, are nicer and more complimentary. They are willing to say I'm thoughtful or smart. Thank god for the change. It's what I"m chasing. It's a terrible statement on society but it's a truth. Tomorrow morning bright and early I go get my tits removed.  I still can't believe my good fortune to actually get them removed.  I didnt' mind them when I was a hot young thing, they were hot little titties. But now? gross pendular blobs full of painful lumps that swing around quite indecently. They intrude on things I'm doing. They get sensitive and rub painfully against my clothes. They're always hot and sweaty. They fall out the neck of my shirt when I sleep! I can't wear tanks or muscle shirts because they slop out the sides.  Well the nasty ugly things are going bye bye! h...

I understand the petty criminal. Let me try and illustrate how it looks to the petty thieves and muggers of the world. Picture a tribe of cave people in a cave sitting around at the end of the day. Family areas with their own little cook fires dot the floor. In one corner, we see a disabled person.  Wearing tattered handmedowns and gnawing on last night's leftovers. No fire. No fresh food. All around are families laughing and smiling in the firelight, waving hunks of fresh meat around, passing bowls of hot soup and commenting at other families across the housing barriers.  They're in a great mood.  it was a good hunt and the hunters all got a bit. But not the disabled guy in the corner, he can't run far enough.  It's only mild CP or whatever, but just enough he doesn't earn a share of the resources.  Now one day this guy, he's just too hungry to care how hard they'll beat him, he's had no leftovers for days, and makes a play for a plate of unattended foo...

When you face another human, you are expressing your thoughts on your face.  or psychically.  Not sure. But they can get the gist of your opinion without one word yet said. Now you can do that with them too.  So ok, how are you going to negotiate to get the outcome you want?  You are here together for something, and you want something.  What do they want? Ok, now that's the surface statement, but what do you *really* want?  Like the neighbor who wants you to get off his case and you want the stream of noise and stink of garbage to cease. What could reward him for co-operating with your need, and what can you give to enable him to co-operate?  I mean, yeah, sometimes you need to get a bigger hammer, ie call the cops.   It could instead be a police officer doing an inspection and finding a minor flaw in your vehicle that you haven't been able to remedy. It could be a border guard deciding whether to search you.  What's that person, not tha...

"Be who you needed when you were younger" I've always tried to do this and remarkably, parents have kept their children away from me. Not because I am unkind, abusive, cruel, or well, that other abuse. Nope. Because I tell the truth. Far as I can tell. Parents take the shaping of their offspring's mind awfully seriously. They don't want their kids to now the truth until it's impossible to hide it. From santa claus to alternate lifestyles to sociopolitics, medicine and personal rights, kids are deliberately kept from knowing. Well since I'm on the blog now, I'll sketch out the last few weeks. I've kept the dog from spending time alone with Dan over a short time. I figure about a half an hour or so is fine, but by the hour I'll go collect her. She's gotten in the habit of being "my" dog by this anyway and asks to come back out to me. I'm living in a bus in the yard to keep away from the primary source of stress in my l...

I left the dogs in the house with Dan thinking it was a nice break for me but I guess I can't trust him with the dogs because the puppy IS housebroken.  She comes and asks for your attention then you take her out. But apparently not Dan, he just brushes her off over and over and she finally goes in the house.  As she would at her age.  Well she pooped all over the cheap area rugs downstairs and Dan lost his shit and shouted and raged so hard she's still cowering when I try to call her.  She won't come when called and hunkers down low to the ground under something when approached as if she's terrified. I'm so angry with Dan. He came her and drove me out of my bedroom and now my house.  Fucking asshole.

Well today it's been confirmed for me. My BFF IS an abusive prick after all.   I've been pretty suspicious lately.  I really feel abused.  Subtly, though, not out front kind of abuse.  Well he posted a whine about how they put "abusive" in his permanent record at work.  Saying how unfair it was, because the person with whom he had the interaction was the onebeing abusive to him.  Yeah, right.  Nope.  Not necessarily.  This guy is always seeing everything in the light of "but what about MY needs?" Which is my seque to the tits.  I had my consult for surgery this morning and it could come as early as three weeks!  Well I was so thrilled with this news I posted twice via instagram (which also posts to facebook.) Wouldn't you know it, BFF comments on both posts how unfair it is that he has gone 20 years with tiny titties that cause him dysphoria because the surgeon wouldn't remove them. I've gotten the deets. I've studied the med...