socially programmed self loathing
As I proceed through transition I am addressing the question of sexuality. Now if you'd known me all my life at a bit of a distance you'd immediately say I was going to be a gay man. Truth.
I have a lot in common with gay men. Including sex with men and a history thereof. But I find women more visually attractive. When I fantasize, I'm a man with a woman. Not a man with a man (although gay porn is hawt) and not as the woman in the scene. However, and this sorrows me, the porn fantasies that work on me are viciously misogynistic.
So to homophobia. I was raised with it. To the degree that the kids and parents would fight about it at the table. Homophobia so bad even their children could see it was unreasonable. My father would state, upon the subject being broached, that "as far as [he] was concerned, all fags should be lined up against the wall and shot!" His stance weakened over the years as he got better educated about who those "fags" were. IE, met a few nice ones. I think he must have encountered a lot of pedophile soldiers when he was a cute little blond kid wandering in search of food during the german occupation. I believe he kept his virginity by being a vicious little shit and fighting fiercely when assaulted, and having good instincts when to dip out. But I think it made a very long lasting impact on him. He didn't talk about it to me and what I did hear came via a dishonest relative. At any rate, the homophobia was thick. I remember as a kid getting laughs at any gathering by the simple expedient of talking like an effeminate gay man. Gales of laughter. For mocking the very kind of man I probably would have been, probably will be.
I have to chew on that. Naturally. I have to learn to apologize to the gay men in my memory, to my heart, to me. I have to also forgive. Both apologize, and forgive, and soothe the frightened social animal so terrified of the unknown and vague sense that other people are going to assault me about it.
I used to describe myself as a "gay transvestite man in a woman's body" and I still think so. But it was ok, I was socially approved so long as I had tits and a pussy. groovy. Okie dokey. Well. Now. There's going to be people out there "why would you go to the trouble of transition if you're already into girly things and men?" Well because people treat me like a girl. I want them to treat me like a tough bisexual man. not like an uppity chick. When I open my mouth to speak, I don't want to see pained expressions because "the female has to be humored." I want my voice to have some gravitas. The gravitas only conferred upon deep male voices. I want people to expect me to step up, not step in front of me and take over. I want people to give me the opportunities, not have to whine and stamp my foot petulantly because I want a turn too.
So do I hate myself as part of my misogyny? Is my transness somehow a result of my feelings towards the women in my family? I do sometimes wonder at that. But getting my breasts removed recently has really snapped me up short. Way more satisfying than I could have expected. I think it goes deeper than simple internalized misogyny. Hell, the misogyny might be more caused by transness, a resentment of being forced to be a woman. if women were this "other species" for me like they are for men, anything could have happened. I'd likely be more able to forgive women for whatever.
But how about reconciling actually being a gay man? That is the next stage of self understanding for me. Looking back in time to the gay men I mocked, and understanding the humanity of those persons. I hope they never witnessed it, but let's face it, it emboldened those who would do it in front of the victim, didn't it?
Well I'm watching videos and starting to understand that the new term "non binary" exactly fits me. I guess I'm an enby? LOL Well I'm still going to have to sashay my way past a mirror in full drag and beard some day and get a mindful of that concept.
I have a lot in common with gay men. Including sex with men and a history thereof. But I find women more visually attractive. When I fantasize, I'm a man with a woman. Not a man with a man (although gay porn is hawt) and not as the woman in the scene. However, and this sorrows me, the porn fantasies that work on me are viciously misogynistic.
So to homophobia. I was raised with it. To the degree that the kids and parents would fight about it at the table. Homophobia so bad even their children could see it was unreasonable. My father would state, upon the subject being broached, that "as far as [he] was concerned, all fags should be lined up against the wall and shot!" His stance weakened over the years as he got better educated about who those "fags" were. IE, met a few nice ones. I think he must have encountered a lot of pedophile soldiers when he was a cute little blond kid wandering in search of food during the german occupation. I believe he kept his virginity by being a vicious little shit and fighting fiercely when assaulted, and having good instincts when to dip out. But I think it made a very long lasting impact on him. He didn't talk about it to me and what I did hear came via a dishonest relative. At any rate, the homophobia was thick. I remember as a kid getting laughs at any gathering by the simple expedient of talking like an effeminate gay man. Gales of laughter. For mocking the very kind of man I probably would have been, probably will be.
I have to chew on that. Naturally. I have to learn to apologize to the gay men in my memory, to my heart, to me. I have to also forgive. Both apologize, and forgive, and soothe the frightened social animal so terrified of the unknown and vague sense that other people are going to assault me about it.
I used to describe myself as a "gay transvestite man in a woman's body" and I still think so. But it was ok, I was socially approved so long as I had tits and a pussy. groovy. Okie dokey. Well. Now. There's going to be people out there "why would you go to the trouble of transition if you're already into girly things and men?" Well because people treat me like a girl. I want them to treat me like a tough bisexual man. not like an uppity chick. When I open my mouth to speak, I don't want to see pained expressions because "the female has to be humored." I want my voice to have some gravitas. The gravitas only conferred upon deep male voices. I want people to expect me to step up, not step in front of me and take over. I want people to give me the opportunities, not have to whine and stamp my foot petulantly because I want a turn too.
So do I hate myself as part of my misogyny? Is my transness somehow a result of my feelings towards the women in my family? I do sometimes wonder at that. But getting my breasts removed recently has really snapped me up short. Way more satisfying than I could have expected. I think it goes deeper than simple internalized misogyny. Hell, the misogyny might be more caused by transness, a resentment of being forced to be a woman. if women were this "other species" for me like they are for men, anything could have happened. I'd likely be more able to forgive women for whatever.
But how about reconciling actually being a gay man? That is the next stage of self understanding for me. Looking back in time to the gay men I mocked, and understanding the humanity of those persons. I hope they never witnessed it, but let's face it, it emboldened those who would do it in front of the victim, didn't it?
Well I'm watching videos and starting to understand that the new term "non binary" exactly fits me. I guess I'm an enby? LOL Well I'm still going to have to sashay my way past a mirror in full drag and beard some day and get a mindful of that concept.