The next 50 years

Well oh my.  The doctor never even inquired to check for parasites, a condition technically that could have been treated with over the counter or simple prescription, but only after a stool test.   Yet here I am after three days of treating for parasites, feeling alive again.  Oh I've got a lot of resting and mending still, but I"m not racing to the toilet every five or ten minutes and I slept last night and today feel optimistic for the first time in too long to remember! I don't know why but searching symptom-first failed to turn up a single mention of parasites.  My doctor never mentioned it.  Well, all she really did was act sympathetic and send a letter to a GE, and I'm sure it was the secretaries who did it.  So but as soon as I thought of it and searched it there it was clear as 8 bit text on a green screen.  My symptoms matched properly which they didnt' for any other condition including IBS.  They were loosely similar to other things but...

I got so fucking sick I just quit doing anything but sleeping.  I've also quit mostly eating, though I have given in to eating 3 eggs and a teaspoon of honey-sweetened chocolate for the last three or four days.  Since thursday evening till today, monday, uhm, (counts on fingers) four days.  I'd like to make it to the weekend. I have ALL the symptoms of parasites, minus the itching, and I strongly think it's a protozoan, not a worm type infection.  It's causing all kinds of issues nonetheless, and I've just kept getting sicker and sicker!  Apparently, the toxins they release can even be to blame for my terrible anxiety and stress responses.  I can't handle anything!! I thought I had cancer.  I got really upset about it and couldn't go shopping with Dan and so he had to go by himself.  I begged for a present to cheer me up and he came up with a box of plastic chocolates.  ~sigh~  I got upset all over again.  I'm over it now, but he ...

I finally found a definite gift in my illness.  I know the big payoff is learning to recognize and correct tension.  I don't have faith that I can successfully do that, so it's not currently very cheering.  However, I've realized another bonus.  I don't have to wear absorbents in my undies anymore!  I've spent the last few months clenching those pelvic floor muscles for all I'm worth, trying to wait to run to the toilet for nothing, prevent small sharts, control the spasms and slow the process, and generally operating them with great focus. Now years ago, when I was sexual (I do miss it but I don't know how to revive it with him.  He's got no sensuality due to his baggage issues.  Will he some day?  Probably not. If I can just awaken a sense of adventure in him I'll be satisfied!  So anyway, years ago I had pretty good control of my pelvic muscles.  At a very young age I came across an article in a woman's skin mag about them, explainin...

Feeling extra lonely and sad today.  First I got wiped out trying to get everything done in the morning.  Dan has stopped doing anything at all in the morning and of course after work he's too tired.  He says he'll do it at night, then says he'll do it in the morning.  So we're back to the neglect part of the marriage where resentment builds into abuse. For me, it makes me feel extra lonely because I have to do so much more while I"m sick and can't get it all done and feel like someone should be here helping me.  Someone in the world.  It really tells me I'm unloved, you know?  Sitting around sick with my dirty dishes, wiping myself out before breakfast just to keep the pets going, then having to nap before I can even eat!  Now I'm spending the day emotionally stressed. And to tell him about it?  Well that's bitchy, right?  That's calling him on his shit and that's loathsome.  That'll result in anger and abuse.  So I'm back t...

I've lost my fat.  After so many years, I'm not fat anymore.  I never felt myself in that layer of up to 50lbs at the worst.  My body felt alien, too soft, too much volume, and I couldn't bend right.  At one point, it was so hard to bend I had trouble with footwear.  Now I can put my knee behind my shoulders again!  I can put my toes in my armpit or use them to pick my ears.  I would like to be able to put them on top of my head backwards and now I'm skinny again, I just might be able. It's funny to me, I'm 138lbs now, probably wind up at around 130, and everywhere I look online, I'm told I shouldn't weigh more than 115.  But the only time in my life since childhood that I was that slim, I was a bone rack and unwell.  This is coming from doctors and web sites designed to help your health!!!  I find it infuriating how they mislead women.  I'm fine boned.  At my most athletic, lean, muscled, 28" waist, go all day on my bike, I w...

I'm finding that anything less than laying prone half asleep causes a flare-up, but that sleeping a lot, laying around a lot, is actually promoting measureable healing.  So I'm giving myself an honest pass to nap copiously and accomplish nothing more than what can't be ignored. Today I got Sam's cage clean, for instance.  But no house vacuuming or floor cleaning. I'm feeling like maybe, just maybe, if I can stop the inflammation from coming on, I can heal the damage and the blockage won't cause me too much grief. Days like this give me the hope back.  I get so scared when it just keeps happening, irrespective of diet, stress, etc. However, I am beginning to notice how I put all my alertness into my belly.  Whether I"m becoming animated in conversation, doing work, or focussing too much, or getting stressed by something.  All goes into my waist.  My back and my belly both go haywire and the muscle spasms make it all the way to my ankles some days.  ...

I'm watching a young couple's youtube videos and noticing that the woman seems to focus almost entirely on being the man's pet.  She's being cute, but she doesn't seem to take a lead in anything, do much active helping, or have many skills.  Now that's not because she is stupid, or less able, but because she's being a girl for her man.  He's accepting the helpless behaviour because he thinks that's what girls are like.  Could even be it's what he wants from her, because it makes his ego even bigger.  He's the one who can drive, plan routes, make decisions, figure things out, the capable one. So she's a pet, an accessory. If she fails to amuse or comfort him sufficiently, she has no value! I know he wouldn't agree nor would she, but I suspect a lot of relationships are like that.  So eventually the woman matures and gets tired of playing pet, as grown adults will.  Then what? So often, then divorce. I wish we wouldn't keep teach...