The next 50 years

Finally, someone's given it an official existence. All my life I've cried and laughed too hard, gotten too angry, and generally had mountains of difficulty with emotional control.  I've worked hard on it and reached the point where I trust my physical control no matter how bad my emotions are.  I won't do anything from my emotional center.  what's more, it often feels like the emotion is driven by the emotional display that comes up way too soon with far too much force, taking me over like a whirlwind.  I've learned to stand in the center of that hurricane and contain it, but it damages my body and brain and causes me stress.  What's more, it causes me to be dismissed from human company. Whether I'm seeking medical attention, employment, or company, my overreactions are intolerable to others. Is it autism?  Or a co-morbid brain injury?  I did in fact have a brain injury at age 4 and the scar on my scalp remains.  Doubtless the brain also has on...

So I've told dan several times, including recently, don't point out that it's my birthday when it comes.  I told him the whole thing stinks and depresses me because it's not a birthday and nobody wants to celebratte my birth anyway.  It's not like he's going to do anything to make it a happy birthday, that's been proven for the last ten years.  So far as he's concerned, telling me "happy birthday" in the morning meets his obligations. Last week he had a birthday.  I don't buy him a present or bake him a cake anymore.  He doesn't appreciate anything much and anyway, can buy his own stuff.  It's his money I'm spending, right?  But it started out horrible so I didn't wish him a happy birthday till we could sort out the horrible via replacing the massive check that had just bounced and left us well in debt and facing spiralling bank fees. Then I decided to figure out how to make it a happy day.  Not just play lip-service to th...

Dan was telling me all about something at work in which he'd managed to calm a disgruntled customer over the phone.  I said to him, "See, why can't you be as polite with me as with customers? We'd get along a lot better!  You'll see, I respond really well to niceness!"  So he says "If you were my customer I wouldn't work for you." Then he chuckles.  I said "no, I'm not really that awful am I?"  Then he chuckled a bit more and said "just kidding!"  Well I know that phrase.  It means "don't hold me responsible for the truth I just delivered." Naturally, this threw me into a tizzy.  I sat here and gradually got sadder and sadder as he did his thing downstairs.  Finally I realized he had to know he'd hurt me.  So I went down and explained and he was really nice about it.  But I still can't get it out of my head. I'm so stuck in thinking anymore that I'm a horrible person.  I mean, I've spent...

We finally have enough money for my computer, barely, if they're not out of them yet.  Bestbuy ran out but staples thinks they can get me one according to the website.  I'll go in person to order in store.  I have to let myself run out of hash to pay for the pc but if I'm careful I may not have too many dry days.  Dan came home with some hash a co-worker gifted for me and that's helped a lot. I made some pants this week.  While sewing is not a common activity, it's how I got the fabric that makes it cool.  I wove it!  I can't say I gathered and spun the fibers but I did get a unique fabric because I wove it myself.  It's got black and white stripes vertically but the weft is all rainbow colourway variegated yarn.  So when you look close, it's a riot of colour.  But from a distance, it's just a loud vertical striping.  All in all, it's really cool and makes me remember favorite pants I've worn out long ago!  One downside, becau...

Went to see the doctor.  I needed my asthma meds renewed and wanted to discuss with her my digestive issues.  She's recommending a gastroenterologist and said she'd mark it urgent.  She was a bit shocked when she understood that I hadn't been having any waste delivery for quite some time.  I think I'm into my 2nd week but today there was some product, not much, but anything is a good sign. I've done a lot of research and finally concluded that it's Ulcerative Colitis, which I told her, which is treated with anti-inflammatories and immune suppressants.  I've been taking the NSAID OTC stuff I've got stocked for back pain and it's been having good results. I also determined that I am blocked, partially and at times nearly fully, just gas pushing past.  So I figured it's time to really focus on what's going in.  I'm doubling the water content and mincing, blending, or trying to chew well what I eat.  I'm also avoiding things that are ha...

Also, 1985 really sucked hard.  We were all either discovering what wage slavery means, or dreaming of a wage and digging through trash bins. It was an awful time for rich and poor alike.  Fashions were chunky and while you saw lots of colour on TV you daren't actually wear it on the street.  Out in public, the real fashion was for maroon, navy, brown, grey, black, and white.  That was it.  You had to style your appearance to please the corporate HR overlooking your professionally typed resume and candidate pools were so thick they could pick by eye colour if they wished.  Rights were lesser and less well known or enforced so women were still having to joke off the sexual harassment instead of focussing on their jobs. it was the start of the "team member" plague that infests today's corporations.  You had to play with co-workers after work.  If you had a family, that was a strike against you.  You weren't mobile enough and you didn't have e...

I've been thinking lately that I don't understand the emotions I see in videos anymore.  I never really understood panic.  I kind of understand rage.  I used to know how it felt to be affectionate with other humans and that's so alien I can't even remember what it feels like.  That makes me cry.  I see loving couples and it seems so strange.  I think of being that way with Dan and my whole system shudders.  It seems like that would be a failure, a loss, a battle given up.  To be affectionate with someone who plagues me so constantly with such incredible disrespect seems insane. But then I see myself disrespecting him now.  I snap at him when he's being rude or negative or pretty much anything anymore.  I'm so habituated to not putting up with it anymore that I look at myself from the outside and I seem so nasty.  I don't know what to do.  Silence is not friendly either and he is the shit with silence, filling it with distracti...