shrew's lament
I've been thinking lately that I don't understand the emotions I see in videos anymore. I never really understood panic. I kind of understand rage. I used to know how it felt to be affectionate with other humans and that's so alien I can't even remember what it feels like. That makes me cry. I see loving couples and it seems so strange. I think of being that way with Dan and my whole system shudders. It seems like that would be a failure, a loss, a battle given up. To be affectionate with someone who plagues me so constantly with such incredible disrespect seems insane.
But then I see myself disrespecting him now. I snap at him when he's being rude or negative or pretty much anything anymore. I'm so habituated to not putting up with it anymore that I look at myself from the outside and I seem so nasty. I don't know what to do. Silence is not friendly either and he is the shit with silence, filling it with distracting babble and demanding a reaction from me. The only way to get him to stop babbling stupid crap at me for the sake of hearing himself think is to snap at him! Sometimes I sense he's trying to be friendly and maybe there's some way to honour that without wasting so much brain power on language translation for it. I can't do pretty much anything else while having a chit chat conversation and at the end of any chit chatty chat I feel drained, angry, ashamed and damaged. Why the fuck would I want to start each day that way? Yet he keeps trying to. From the day we married I told him I hate to talk in the morning but he starts me going with something necessary like "would you like me to get you ___" and then the yapping commences. I'm still in a funk from being yanked from sleep and empty stomach and dehydrated and he's saying to me "Oh, so whatever happened to that thing in switzerland that's supposed to swallow the earth in a black hole. Whatever happend to THAT eh?" He's got that tone of voice that says "see, I am the superior intellect on this planet, I knew it was BS. It's much more likely some -insert bs from Infowars involving mass evil and deceit perpetrated by millions-"
Well so he's not asking because he's wondering, but becuase he's got some outrageous tidbit of information he's gotten from his site of liars. If National Enquirer went from celebrities and aliens to studying politics and conspiracy, you'd get Alex Jones and Infowars. The primary skill that media aggregate employs is social conditioning and it's classic. It's aimed squarely at the well indoctrinated American White Male blue collar worker and it's as fine tuned as a laser. They know exactly what phrases and topics will sway and lead their audience and they string them together so brazenly it's shocking. You'd think the audience would see it, it's so obvious, then you realize, it's only obvious because you're not the target audience.
So anyway, Dan asks this question and I quickly supply the answer because, as usual, I've read and remembered all about it. I know it's obnoxious. At least everyone everywhere always says so. I don't know WHY it's obnoxious. That's like kicking a peacock for showing off it's feathers. That's it's thing, that's what it's got and it does it well! That's me, that's my thing, that's what I've got, and it's the only thing I really do well. But it's something utterly unwanted even before Google arrived to do it in a way egos can stand. Nobody wants a girl with Google in her head, no matter how useful the info. First off, because she's a she, it's suspect information and her voice is unhearable. Heck, that voice is awful, right? It's FEMALE! yech. Then if you actually consider that it's not just babbling like a bird in a tree, you'd still consider the information imaginative and filled with spackle because girls are stupid, right?
I don't spackle over holes in what I know. I don't fool myself or rewrite stories or memories to be nicer. In fact, my childhood memories are so shitty it's not even nice to reminisce, and that's with no dramatic stories of abuse, like being locked in a basement as a sex slave or something.
So now I can't remember love anymore and it leaves me so sad and so scared. It's terrible I know, but let's face it, I need to stay married because I can't support myself.
Yes that does make me feel ashamed. I feel nasty and useless and I am stuck there because it's in spite of trying to do all the things everyone ever writes down to do if you're trying to be a good person. I've tried very hard to be a good person and here I am, nasty and useless with nothing in the future that excites me and no sense of self worth at all.I truly think the world would be a better place without me. But what should I do about it? I'm no killer, I've tried and learned that too. I'm stuck like this. How then do I reconcile my existence, and the usury it requires, when I'm not even capable of being fake enough to please others?
I mean, to you it would be simple, smile, nod, say "that's nice dear" or well, I expect there's a parcel full of appropriate phrases I don't know. That's just it. I CANT do that. I don't know how, don't understand how, and if I held a script full of phrases to use, would inevitably pick the worst one to use.
So instead I'm feeling tortured by a thoughtless man who looks to pick fights with anyone anytime over anything, then blames said victim for the fight. How then do I stay married without one of us doing violence to the other? He's resistant to packing up and going, but how much room to move is there? At what point does he say "fuck it, I'm gone?" Leaving isn't that hard for him physically. Emotionally, sure, but physically he's got a place to drive to and a truck to drive there. Well, I'm not sure the truck would survive the drive, but you know he'd sort that out.
That is NOT what I want. I don't know how I could ever have a loving relationship with him. He doesn't seem capable of clean affection, it's either straight to lust or back to bitching about anything that'll get you angry again. With me no longer even remembering how, it seems impossible.
But I'd like it if he quit picking fights. But he kind of has. He's being more considerate and respectful with me, but still we have these days when he's pissing me off so bad I just hate him.
This morning, I answered him "They did turn it on. The scientists were right, the angry people were wrong, and they did observe the higgs boson particle and create black holes and they're doing more science with it and nothing blew up." So he says right away "so is the earth going to get swallowed up or what?" Like I'd just said something like "oh, what about what?"
I blew up and said "so what was the point of me just now answering your question?" Keep in mind we're shouting from my spot in the kitchen to his across the house in the living room, not a calming effect on a conversation. He'll never get up and come sit with me to chat because he never wants to chat more than minute or two every ten or twenty minutes. If you calculated to be disruptive to someone else's day you couldn't do a better job. he feels as the more important member of the family, he's deserving of on-demand attention. I wouldn't put it past him to actually know he's being disruptive and does it to ensure he remains the only real focus in the house.
But so I went on a tear at him about not listening. Always and always he's asking questions to which he does not want an answer from me and WHY does he ask me when he isn't interested in an answer? Well he shut up and packed up and went to work. I rejoiced to be rid of him so early. Lately he's lingered till 10:30 am and it's that much longer before I'm free to relax or work in peace.
But then I am not at peace. I'm crying over shouting at him all morning every morning. I'm crying over not getting along with him. I'm crying my frustration at not knowing how to handle this problem. I'm crying at my loneliness in not having anyone to ask for advice. I'm feeling like I don't deserve advice or solutions, only disaster and just desserts. I'm a lazy using person using excuses of fake disabilities to get away with letting others get all the work done around me, etc. Where's that voice from anyway? It sounds like the voice of humanity to me, like a great megaphone over my head using sound to crush me into a flat pancake. I collapse but do not flatten, do not vanish, do not have a stroke and collapse.
I heard on a documentary that princess grace had a killing stroke (that caused a car accident that was said to kill her) at my age, and most of her family had died of stroke in their fifties, and I was jealous! I thought "oh, I wish that'd happen to me" then realized I'd probably be one of those "lucky" ones that doesn't die, just gets severely crippled by it. Because, at least everyone says so, even crippled up, life is worth living!
Nobody's been able to describe the worth to me in practical terms. They all speak of emotional terms, things to which I do not have access. most of it seems to be wrapped around the oxytocin shots people share. Oxytocin is a naturally occuring brain drug. Our body makes it and shoots it out into the brain when certain things trigger it. It gives a pleasing feeling. You've felt it if you've ever felt "in love" or "exhilerated" or that "happy glow" people describe after parties and stuff. I used to get that when I was young and had no idea how awful I was but after all these years of being complained to and trying to address those complaints I just instead get anxious and ashamed around other people.
Honestly, I think it's too late and I"m broken. Before I couldn't socialize well enough to hold a job or keep friends and I still can't and I know now I won't learn, and I'm worse than ever. So what am I to do? If it wasn't for Dan, I'd be in a nut house just in order to find safe lodgings where I won't be assaulted randomly. I could never afford anything I could stand. My house is forfeit already because we took out a huge line of credit against it. When I can't pay back the debt I will be homeless whether welfare gives me any money or not. finding single lodgings, even if I sent my pets to the SPCA, would be a miracle and likely in a nasty place with scary people all around and infestations of bed bugs and roaches.
So yeah, I'm well invested in keeping Dan here, but I don't know how to be nice to him. I try, I keep doing nice things for him even when I'm angry, but to sit there chit chatting across the house about how awful the world is and how angry we should all be about it, every goddamn morning, is asking too much!
But then I see myself disrespecting him now. I snap at him when he's being rude or negative or pretty much anything anymore. I'm so habituated to not putting up with it anymore that I look at myself from the outside and I seem so nasty. I don't know what to do. Silence is not friendly either and he is the shit with silence, filling it with distracting babble and demanding a reaction from me. The only way to get him to stop babbling stupid crap at me for the sake of hearing himself think is to snap at him! Sometimes I sense he's trying to be friendly and maybe there's some way to honour that without wasting so much brain power on language translation for it. I can't do pretty much anything else while having a chit chat conversation and at the end of any chit chatty chat I feel drained, angry, ashamed and damaged. Why the fuck would I want to start each day that way? Yet he keeps trying to. From the day we married I told him I hate to talk in the morning but he starts me going with something necessary like "would you like me to get you ___" and then the yapping commences. I'm still in a funk from being yanked from sleep and empty stomach and dehydrated and he's saying to me "Oh, so whatever happened to that thing in switzerland that's supposed to swallow the earth in a black hole. Whatever happend to THAT eh?" He's got that tone of voice that says "see, I am the superior intellect on this planet, I knew it was BS. It's much more likely some -insert bs from Infowars involving mass evil and deceit perpetrated by millions-"
Well so he's not asking because he's wondering, but becuase he's got some outrageous tidbit of information he's gotten from his site of liars. If National Enquirer went from celebrities and aliens to studying politics and conspiracy, you'd get Alex Jones and Infowars. The primary skill that media aggregate employs is social conditioning and it's classic. It's aimed squarely at the well indoctrinated American White Male blue collar worker and it's as fine tuned as a laser. They know exactly what phrases and topics will sway and lead their audience and they string them together so brazenly it's shocking. You'd think the audience would see it, it's so obvious, then you realize, it's only obvious because you're not the target audience.
So anyway, Dan asks this question and I quickly supply the answer because, as usual, I've read and remembered all about it. I know it's obnoxious. At least everyone everywhere always says so. I don't know WHY it's obnoxious. That's like kicking a peacock for showing off it's feathers. That's it's thing, that's what it's got and it does it well! That's me, that's my thing, that's what I've got, and it's the only thing I really do well. But it's something utterly unwanted even before Google arrived to do it in a way egos can stand. Nobody wants a girl with Google in her head, no matter how useful the info. First off, because she's a she, it's suspect information and her voice is unhearable. Heck, that voice is awful, right? It's FEMALE! yech. Then if you actually consider that it's not just babbling like a bird in a tree, you'd still consider the information imaginative and filled with spackle because girls are stupid, right?
I don't spackle over holes in what I know. I don't fool myself or rewrite stories or memories to be nicer. In fact, my childhood memories are so shitty it's not even nice to reminisce, and that's with no dramatic stories of abuse, like being locked in a basement as a sex slave or something.
So now I can't remember love anymore and it leaves me so sad and so scared. It's terrible I know, but let's face it, I need to stay married because I can't support myself.
Yes that does make me feel ashamed. I feel nasty and useless and I am stuck there because it's in spite of trying to do all the things everyone ever writes down to do if you're trying to be a good person. I've tried very hard to be a good person and here I am, nasty and useless with nothing in the future that excites me and no sense of self worth at all.I truly think the world would be a better place without me. But what should I do about it? I'm no killer, I've tried and learned that too. I'm stuck like this. How then do I reconcile my existence, and the usury it requires, when I'm not even capable of being fake enough to please others?
I mean, to you it would be simple, smile, nod, say "that's nice dear" or well, I expect there's a parcel full of appropriate phrases I don't know. That's just it. I CANT do that. I don't know how, don't understand how, and if I held a script full of phrases to use, would inevitably pick the worst one to use.
So instead I'm feeling tortured by a thoughtless man who looks to pick fights with anyone anytime over anything, then blames said victim for the fight. How then do I stay married without one of us doing violence to the other? He's resistant to packing up and going, but how much room to move is there? At what point does he say "fuck it, I'm gone?" Leaving isn't that hard for him physically. Emotionally, sure, but physically he's got a place to drive to and a truck to drive there. Well, I'm not sure the truck would survive the drive, but you know he'd sort that out.
That is NOT what I want. I don't know how I could ever have a loving relationship with him. He doesn't seem capable of clean affection, it's either straight to lust or back to bitching about anything that'll get you angry again. With me no longer even remembering how, it seems impossible.
But I'd like it if he quit picking fights. But he kind of has. He's being more considerate and respectful with me, but still we have these days when he's pissing me off so bad I just hate him.
This morning, I answered him "They did turn it on. The scientists were right, the angry people were wrong, and they did observe the higgs boson particle and create black holes and they're doing more science with it and nothing blew up." So he says right away "so is the earth going to get swallowed up or what?" Like I'd just said something like "oh, what about what?"
I blew up and said "so what was the point of me just now answering your question?" Keep in mind we're shouting from my spot in the kitchen to his across the house in the living room, not a calming effect on a conversation. He'll never get up and come sit with me to chat because he never wants to chat more than minute or two every ten or twenty minutes. If you calculated to be disruptive to someone else's day you couldn't do a better job. he feels as the more important member of the family, he's deserving of on-demand attention. I wouldn't put it past him to actually know he's being disruptive and does it to ensure he remains the only real focus in the house.
But so I went on a tear at him about not listening. Always and always he's asking questions to which he does not want an answer from me and WHY does he ask me when he isn't interested in an answer? Well he shut up and packed up and went to work. I rejoiced to be rid of him so early. Lately he's lingered till 10:30 am and it's that much longer before I'm free to relax or work in peace.
But then I am not at peace. I'm crying over shouting at him all morning every morning. I'm crying over not getting along with him. I'm crying my frustration at not knowing how to handle this problem. I'm crying at my loneliness in not having anyone to ask for advice. I'm feeling like I don't deserve advice or solutions, only disaster and just desserts. I'm a lazy using person using excuses of fake disabilities to get away with letting others get all the work done around me, etc. Where's that voice from anyway? It sounds like the voice of humanity to me, like a great megaphone over my head using sound to crush me into a flat pancake. I collapse but do not flatten, do not vanish, do not have a stroke and collapse.
I heard on a documentary that princess grace had a killing stroke (that caused a car accident that was said to kill her) at my age, and most of her family had died of stroke in their fifties, and I was jealous! I thought "oh, I wish that'd happen to me" then realized I'd probably be one of those "lucky" ones that doesn't die, just gets severely crippled by it. Because, at least everyone says so, even crippled up, life is worth living!
Nobody's been able to describe the worth to me in practical terms. They all speak of emotional terms, things to which I do not have access. most of it seems to be wrapped around the oxytocin shots people share. Oxytocin is a naturally occuring brain drug. Our body makes it and shoots it out into the brain when certain things trigger it. It gives a pleasing feeling. You've felt it if you've ever felt "in love" or "exhilerated" or that "happy glow" people describe after parties and stuff. I used to get that when I was young and had no idea how awful I was but after all these years of being complained to and trying to address those complaints I just instead get anxious and ashamed around other people.
Honestly, I think it's too late and I"m broken. Before I couldn't socialize well enough to hold a job or keep friends and I still can't and I know now I won't learn, and I'm worse than ever. So what am I to do? If it wasn't for Dan, I'd be in a nut house just in order to find safe lodgings where I won't be assaulted randomly. I could never afford anything I could stand. My house is forfeit already because we took out a huge line of credit against it. When I can't pay back the debt I will be homeless whether welfare gives me any money or not. finding single lodgings, even if I sent my pets to the SPCA, would be a miracle and likely in a nasty place with scary people all around and infestations of bed bugs and roaches.
So yeah, I'm well invested in keeping Dan here, but I don't know how to be nice to him. I try, I keep doing nice things for him even when I'm angry, but to sit there chit chatting across the house about how awful the world is and how angry we should all be about it, every goddamn morning, is asking too much!