relationships

Dan still lives in the van right behind me.  The relationship has transitioned.  I call us friends for simplicity but it's not that simple because I still don't like him.  I still feel unresolved anger. I still feel unsafe with him.  He still hands over money.  But see, it's so fucked.
I feel empathy for him. he works his ass off for ungrateful stingy people who massively underpay him, then he gives it to me.  No, not all of it.  Half  the cash and free sharing of the rest if I ask.  He buys all our fuel. He now is the dog's primary owner. 
But he also is the very demon who fucked me over. 
So mixed feelings indeed.  Some sense of responsibility towards him too. 
It's not something I can talk about with anyone. Can't let on he gives me cash or it will fuxor my welfare, which little as it is, is yet a vital resources. Can't sit and explain why he deserves to be "used" like this to anyone either.  you, dear reader, should understand if you've been with me all these years. You would have read about it when he mentally and emotionally and financially abused me, turned the house into a battle ground and nearly even killed a dog from the stress.
But how could I expect strangers to sit and hear that story first then hear the current story and understand the context?
Why I would help him as readily as he does me and why we both have come running to rescue each other in a fight.  Like without hesitation.
It's a friendship, I guess, but a cautious one.  
Funny, I don't worry about him ripping me off, just about him moving in on me and destroying my peace.  If he can live in his own place, like we're doing, it's defused.
I just need to live alone.
No, nothing of news on whether there is an estate, if it's in probate, if they know I'm out here.
One of my pharmacists offered to help me apply for information but I still can't make myself open the box.  Shrodinger's cat ain't dead till I open the box.  I can't face a dead cat, still.  I guess in time I will assume it's dead and want to open it hoping I'm wrong.  Frankly I can sue for a portion of the estate even ten years on if I have the lawyer. 
But anyway, that's not something i want to think on, it's a dead end of bad feelings.

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