Taciturn
I always talked too much because I didn't know how much information I was supposed to give. I didn't get it that everyone was lying and would rather not have had to ask in the first place. They certainly didn't want me to answer the questions. Whether it's "how are you/things," or something else like that, they actually don't want to hear what I have to say. They feel obligated to ask. I finally understand, I really actually am not being rude ignoring the question if I launch into one of my own at them. So I'm learning to figure out questions to throw back. "How are you?" "Hey, good to see you, is your car still acting up?" Or whatever. Leading questions if possible. Turns out they don't want to carry the conversation any more than let me carry it. Ohhhhhh, they aren't interested in talking at all, they're probing for paranoia sake. Am I hazardous to their wellbeing? So I'm learning to be shallow and dishonest just to speed up the end to the pointless conversation demanded by protocol alone.
I do feel lonely, but not for the mere semblance of interaction. I want to feel like there's people who would respect me and honor me as a decent member of a community. Like anyone, really.
But thing is, I'm finally learning to be taciturn. I think. It feels like it. It certainly is a goal and why I didn't fight the solitude these last few years. Because to learn to shut up, it helps to have nobody with whom to speak. That breaks the habit and shows how little I really actually need to tell these things to someone other than this blog. Which between knowing I don't want to talk about myself and that I don't have to talk about anything at all unless I want to try and put someone at ease. There is little other reason, generally, to socialize. It will not likely lead to anything long standing. Now there's this local fellow helping us with our solar and that one is likely to remain a contact to some degree, but with my terrible friend keeping skills and he seems also to be the same, it won't be much. Besides, he is stationary and I am moving on. So it really isn't much more than a contact in Calgary and I try not to lean too hard.
Well, yeah, just wanted to analyze this whole taciturnity business. I think the time alone plus learning to understand that nobody is interested in community or socializing anymore is helping me to be quiet. Ironically, this will have a better chance of building relationships for me. Maybe. I don't know.
When I think too long on what it means to try and be an island and survive solo, I really get suicidal. I don't like the possibilities that come to mind. It's already scary enough because I can't get anyone to help work on this bus and it's in need of repair. If it stops working altogether I'm in serious trouble.