Calgary in October

 I don't think I've ever experienced true grief before. Wendel comes close, I still get sad.  But Timmy, OMG, it makes me cry still. I found myself starting to substitute the felt doppleganger I made years ago.  I sniffed his blankets and smelled him and have been crying a little since.  

Mind you, crying on a rainy day isn't odd for me.  Rain can as easily bring me down as cheer me up depending on how my state is generally.  

Speaking of which, let's go.

Bike is returning.  That is something I need to keep remembering, I'm getting something back.  It'll be here by tonight I think. The police found it intact and Dan is on the way to bring it here.  

Here is Calgary. I arrived last weekend? I forget, actually.  Friday? Thursday?  Well I've been here nearly a week.  I tried driving around the other day and it was terrifyingly stupid. Whole areas are built designed to prevent large long trucks and similar vehicles from coming through and by god it was awful.  Slopes too steep and fast with stoplights in the middle. Tight turns and narrow roads in the neighborhoods.  Nowhere to pull over and stop to check the map.  No where to turn around in a large bus.  Mall parking lots were small and full with narrow entries.  I was absolutely panicking, trying to just drive safely, praying for some small sign that I was getting back on route or maybe would spot a place to stop.  A woman zipped into my stopping distance at a red light and I had to suddenly slam on the brakes.  Many things moved in the bus.  I am proud at how little and nothing broke or got hurt.  But still, I slammed on the horn and it didn't work and I just had to make the bitch aware what she'd just done, so I tried hitting the windshield. The one with two stone chips.  It now has fine cracks across it.

So.  I need my manifolds replace, I can't get up hills like this, it just hasn't got the power.

I need my brake seals replaced.  This could probably be ignored but peace of mind is valuable.

I need a new windshield.  Not expensive if I can find someone.

And that's the stressor.  I already hate making phone calls to humans trying to figure out what words to assemble for their understanding. My social phobia is genuinely crippling these days. I spent yesterday doing it, and I just can't today.  But only one call got a return at all and it's to say I have to find alternate accommodations for a half a week to get the work done. And time continues to pass and it gets colder.

My heater failed.  The gaskets I need to disassemble and clean it are in town here but it's raining buckets so I don't want to crawl underneath to disconnect it. It's only 8c out there and I"m using candles and the kettle to bump up the heat inside to 15. I never got my T shot last week because of the stress, I can't inject myself when I'm this tense.  So the hot flashes balance off the cold and I focus on keeping the dog warm.  It's stressful too. 

The upshot of all this is a transman crying alone in a dark cold bus trying not to look pathetic on the outside when chatting over the phone to whomever because the only thing worse than being pathetic is other people thinking it of you. They drop you like a hot potato, permanently.  Which doesn't help my self pity problem in the least.

I miss that dog. 

I do not miss my house.  I do not miss that city or any part of it or even the province. I do not like Calgary.  It's big, brash, self absorbed and covered in false gold. Everyone seems pretty me first and the design of the city screams "get rich or get lost."

Well, I haven't seen the old city parts that people would cite to say "but this is what makes it beautiful."  Only the endless tracts of cramped suburban housing clustered over hills and valleys with winding twisty roads utterly choked in single passenger vehicles.

I have to get over those mountains and I'm quite terrified but getting ready to try and do those manifolds myself somehow.  Weld on a nut with a few wire feed spots. Keep applying a penetrating oil, something better than wd40 which is good, but not best. Keep wiggling the bolt back and forth gently, not severely, and working it even after it starts to budge.  Eventually it clearly is free and you don't take it out until all the bolts are free. You put it back in with more of that oil, but finger tight. Although in the case of the broken bolts, the work is done after the rest are gone and the manifolds are removed.  I need the gasket kit, don't know how to find it. 

I wish I had a non autistic mechanically minded buddy to help interface at least.

Well today is a bust and I just have to hope tomorrow I feel more capable, and that one day isn't going to make that much difference. I really thought I"d hear back from the glass guy.  I need to call all the glass places.  I need to hunt for any heavy truck shops I haven't called and inquire about mobile mechanics working the manifolds.  I do need brakes, but they work perfectly well.  One hub gets warmer than the rest, but not badly, although it's the side the bus pulls. So I'd say there's a calibration out. Dan may be able to tickle that into shape. 

Yeah, that makes me feel a bit better. We can ignore that spitty rad hose and replace it when changing out the coolant seems like a good idea. (it would be good to do if we can do it right here)

The windshield likewise isn't urgent, just scary. The brake fluid doesn't leak fast at all.  I don't commute to the big city twice a day in this or something. Being cold is also scary.  Three candles are dead and only half the wax used.  Cheap crap.  I definitely need to put tea lights on the shopping list now.

yeah, weather calls for a low of 2 tonight, it's going to be shitty in here. I haven't even got a basic propane heater. Setting up the woodstove really isn't feasible.  I never figured out how to fasten it down correctly and still can't figure it out. Plus making the space for it is beyond my current ken. I basically need a strong metal table to hold it up above the stuff on the floor with a metal lip that catches cinder spits. I would have to design and build it. I have been thinking on it but have not yet figured out how to make the object in my head using real world available materials.  If I was rich, I would draw it out, explain it to the craftsman, and pay him to buy and manufacture the materials and object.  

But then I would be living someone else's life.

My poor potted weeds, a nettle and a plantain, have been suffering hard from being indoors.  Mold, spider mites, and general malaise.  I put them on the bus hood yesterday and they look so much happier. but I must bring them in before bed, in case it dips below hard frost.  I expect will keep the bus above zero with my candles and kettles. if Dan is here by then, we can share the propane heater between vehicles, boosting the temperature in here briefly every couple hours. Or even drive the van to cantire for another one. I am seriously thinking about using my craptastic folder bike to run that errand.  I should get out of this typing mode and have a look at how far and how much it costs.  Any kind of heater is going to help this week until I get the diesel heater fixed again, and it's going to do this to me again, so a backup other than the wood stove is de riguer.