The next 50 years

My mother died this morning in her sleep.  I cannot say I grieve her because she was such a distant presence already.  You can call this cold, but then you haven't been keeping up. Last year I realized the way the world was, I didn't stand a fairy fart's chance in a traffic jam. I cannot escape the street and pain on my own.  My teeth are shot, it's getting scary and I can't even just have them pulled.  How I am coping is lots of teatree oil. That's one. The housing sitch.  I could find housing under 500k that I can accept.  Less?  No.  the whole business about being around 100k or so in debt won't help either.  Now back to last year and I remembered that I predicted today, way back in my youth.  I noted and knew the age of her and the age of me and it is indeed now. Which is fucking chilling really.  She also went as I said, stroke in the night. Whew.  So I siezed upon the idea, maybe her estate isn't depleted.  Even if i...

Crashing out.  Good phrase, I guess.  Meltdown.  Break down.  Despair is my preferred word. I spent the last six months willfully believing in manifestation and the power of positive thinking.  The house was sold to someone else. Back to even if I had a million dollars I still could not get out of this bus. Winter 3 and I am so over it but it's coming anyway.   I have to start moving around come se 21 unless I find a new lazy spot and there is as much competition as ever but a quarter as much space. What the fuck do I do?  I've exhausted all the charities and I don't fall under their auspices because I neither have children nor an addiction and do not have disability status.  the job center has pretty much just left me free floating with little crumbs of this and that. We have learned my abilities and skills and frankly I think they have less faith in me than i do. I learned last winter that carbon monoxide isn't a real hazard.  They hav...

It's been so long because a lot of my outlet has been through Tik Tok which has been very active and high feedback and reward loop.  So that's ok.  I even got to spend an afternoon with a cool human.  He seems to have shied off again but I won't push it, and maybe it's truly just the usual thing with being involved elsewhere now, nothing personal.  Humans cannot actively compete with fascination in the neurodiverse and it's nothing personal.  Well it's August now.  Last winter, Magick whispered "it is done, relax, be in the now, stop angsting, it's done."  I examined and understood that in fact, i do get what what i ask for.  Sometimes I wait longer, but time after after time now I can look and see how I get my wishes granted like I have a special friend or gift.  The pomeranian dog took till 2024 but in fact happened too, that started age 11.  Significant year, I think. I also started flute then. I also accepted that I had to do life al...

I guess this belongs here. About a month, maybe two ago, heck, perhaps last christmas? I forget, but this big blue wall took over my mountainn view and Anthony moved into the spot in front of me. Big blue class C RV, rebuilt with plywood, screws and caulking and tape, coated with paint to hide it all. Looks good at first. Well anyway, he started with little BS like implying I was saying something wrong, or that my bus was dirty. Now, context. Anthony is almost as short as me, maybe 2 inches higher. He is bald as a cue ball. He has the tits and belly of a pregnant woman and skin as dark as my xolo in summer. So he's got a lot of compensating to do, I guess? Well he's also clearly intensely misogynistic and has been gender shaming or mis gendering me from the beginning.   Enter the next attempt to cow me into submission or fear, shouting abuse at me if I run my bus after 9pm. Well I used to run it always after 10pm because this was a place nobody who hates idling buses w...

I went to a weavers and spinners meeting in Burnaby today and it was really good.  I had to leave early due to yapping overload.  I never have done that before but yet probably should have.  I either am learning to recognize the need or getting more autistic.  Or both. Anyway, I got downtown and realized I couldn't find my phone so turned around and drove all the way back only to miss the end of the meeting. The traffic was intense and I hit every red light, being at the back of the pack over and over.  I don't even know how I kept being at the back when I kept leaving the light at the front? Well anyway, I was frantic on the way out so didn't enjoy the driving, plus I had to pee. but on the way out both times I actually was happy to take wrong turns and learn the lay of the city more. I didn't take the same route twice and yet I didn't resort to a map once.  Yay!  Getting the hang of this.  I still can't find the freeway reliably from downtown, L...

I haven't blogged because there's been nothing to update or get off my chest. Just sitting and knitting.  Finished 2 sweaters this winter.  I don't like either one much but they may grow on me. I had the pysch assessment and it's more about cognitive ability than psychological state. It won't help with the disability application. I am dead curious my IQ upcoming. I assume it's lower than it used to be but then I flew through the IQ tests *except the math* and at one point saw out of the corner of my eye the supervising pshrink being astonished.  She said I got further in that puzzle than anyone, and I think I got further in most (except the math.) I did exhaust the vocabulary items but it threw one new word at me, palliate, which is the same root of palliative, and means to improve but not heal a condition.  So, alleviate. I also could not spell manoeuver correctly. I just did not, though, LOL  That's the kind of word that always gives me grief and the only ...

What confuses me most is how I can be so hated I dont deserve food and shelter but yet they still wont kill me