vlogmas?
I have managed two vlogs in a row, two days in a row! That's cool. I've missed the first four days of DE in which two were weekends and I won't post if Dan's home because he just doesn't give me the space to yap to a camera. It's hard enough to get six seconds for a vine (well vine's dead now but for nearly 3 years I did it a lot). yeah, he's so damn oblivious to me that way. Doesn't frankly care. What's in his head feels more important so it therefor is. So far the side effects of the chemo are pretty manageable. The cold intolerance is quite annoying and needs some workarounds but it fades off in week two when I'm on a chemo break and I'm hoping that doesn't change. the weather has taken a turn for the cold so I'm not getting much car driving time in. I might try anyway today just because my trip is as much across town as it's possible to go. I've got a second pilates class today. I can hardly remember the exercises I was supposed to learn but I've done some stuff from the first week. I guess I don't have to feel anything about it. It's my health, not my reputation or a score on a test, and I'm pretty happy with my health this far. I wouldn't say I've solved the incontinence yet, but then it's not been a massive issue. Maybe I'm used to it? I haven't peed all the way down the stairs, not even at night when I wake up full, so maybe that's progress? Oh god no, not actually ON the stairs, I've got absorbant pads on, LOL, so peeing my way downstairs is just me scrambling and holding my crotch to make sure I don't leak past the pad! that alone is pretty silly, I'm sure, but no, I am not having to mop the floors at 2am.
i've been managing to play pokemon go every day since the new update with extra bonuses if you play daily. I wanted very much to go play at the gym yesterday but the cold outside was just too discouraging after weeks of merely being freezing and then it dropped 10c from there. it's -17c right now, in fact, at 11 am. Yuck.I rather wish I had a remote start on a vehicle. I'm supposed to start the van at 11:30 but just here in this blog changed my mind so maybe as an experiment I'll start my smart and let it idle a half hour instead and see, does it make any difference at all? At least if I go out and find out she just won't start at these temps, I'll have time to use the van instead. Yeah, she has trouble with her battery at low temps. I put a trickle charger on her that runs when the block heater is plugged in. They put a pass-through outlet in the battery compartment for that, or for a battery heater. Battery heaters, though, are fire hazards and while a warm battery certainly charges better, the smart car simply hasn't got enough power to charge itself back up on short city hops. Probably not an issue today as I'm going cross town. It also is very bad at warming up when merely idling. It's that efficiency thing.
I made soup out of a can of V8, four broth cubes, 2 nuker poached eggs and a couple ounces of bbq chicken from the freezer. It's dull and I'm not really enjoying it but it'll nourish me anyway. I think for clothing I'm going to lazy out today and just wear my baggy house clothes with an extra layer on top. The pants I made myself with my loom make excellent top layer pants, you can go out in some pretty cold weather without needing long underwear. Hrm, you know, I'm not going to take that chance, it's really effing cold out. Ok, ok, layers and layers and compression garments it is. ~sigh~ I'll be too damn warm at the gym and now I have to bring a lock and lock up my crap and change my clothes. See, this is what I hate about winter. Not so much the fact of cold or the snow or the ice, just the logistics of doing anything. Too warm to go inside, too cold to go outside, change your clothes when you walk in the door, extra layers, getting dressed and undressed, carrying things around. It's a bloody nuisance!!
I think I've decided to give up on my marriage. It was Friday and he was doing that bullshit where he constantly interrupts me with something provocative and I realized, whether he's conscious of it or not, his goal in life is to keep me on edge, provoked, emotional. Not because he has any strategy or intention, simply because it amuses him and he gets restless if I'm displaying happiness or calmness. it's so very automatic. I also, honestly, think he's got dementia. He's begun forgetting really stupid things and doing really mindless things, worse than ever. I can't get him to see a doctor for so much as a blood pressure test so it's not like a: we can do anything about it or b: he'll get diagnosed in the next decade. He no longer does things that will help his brain either, like learning new tricks, playing in 3d or playing his guitar. Just wastes his off hours watching right-wing pundits tell him how to think and feel. I feel some sense of wrongness in it. Like I'm intending to abandon him when he's getting sick, but other than you, reader, and me, nobody knows. Nobody will know for at least a decade, probably 20, and he just might die of a stroke first anyway. I'm terrified he'll get sick for real, like stroke or heart attack, and I won't be able to escape. I mean, if we'd been married 30 years and it included any good times, anything more loving that him stepping up this year to take over my chores and drive me places and cut back on his cruelty, well I think guilt would be more appropriate. But I don't feel it in my heart, that it's wrong. I feel in my heart that it's wise and my best choice. So who'll look after him? Hard to say, will he stay in Saskatoon or move back to his home town in the states? if he does that, I guess it's back to his family. Hell, they made him, let them deal with it. They've got more resources than me! They have incomes and each other. I've got just me and I can't deal with him sane and stay healthy and get better, nevermind if he really has got a mental aging disease. So no, I don't need to block off part of my conscience to leave him just because I think he might have dementia. Anyway, on the surface, I'm no doctor and I'm not even slightly qualified to assess it. I'm just going by how he's getting increasingly paranoid, stupid, and forgetful. That might just be him settling into his natural self.
I do worry how to get rid of him. He's not going to go quietly nor just up and go house hunting when the real estate agent turns up and puts a sign on the lawn. He's going to stall, interfere, argue and obstruct. It won't be like I can just move my fave crap into the bus and drive off, I need to sell the house and that includes getting rid of what I don't plan to keep and how to get him OUT of it for the sale? Will a buyer want to rent to him? LOL, I'd rather see it bought by someone who wants to live here. Well it's getting late so I'll quit with this and just leave it at that.
i've been managing to play pokemon go every day since the new update with extra bonuses if you play daily. I wanted very much to go play at the gym yesterday but the cold outside was just too discouraging after weeks of merely being freezing and then it dropped 10c from there. it's -17c right now, in fact, at 11 am. Yuck.I rather wish I had a remote start on a vehicle. I'm supposed to start the van at 11:30 but just here in this blog changed my mind so maybe as an experiment I'll start my smart and let it idle a half hour instead and see, does it make any difference at all? At least if I go out and find out she just won't start at these temps, I'll have time to use the van instead. Yeah, she has trouble with her battery at low temps. I put a trickle charger on her that runs when the block heater is plugged in. They put a pass-through outlet in the battery compartment for that, or for a battery heater. Battery heaters, though, are fire hazards and while a warm battery certainly charges better, the smart car simply hasn't got enough power to charge itself back up on short city hops. Probably not an issue today as I'm going cross town. It also is very bad at warming up when merely idling. It's that efficiency thing.
I made soup out of a can of V8, four broth cubes, 2 nuker poached eggs and a couple ounces of bbq chicken from the freezer. It's dull and I'm not really enjoying it but it'll nourish me anyway. I think for clothing I'm going to lazy out today and just wear my baggy house clothes with an extra layer on top. The pants I made myself with my loom make excellent top layer pants, you can go out in some pretty cold weather without needing long underwear. Hrm, you know, I'm not going to take that chance, it's really effing cold out. Ok, ok, layers and layers and compression garments it is. ~sigh~ I'll be too damn warm at the gym and now I have to bring a lock and lock up my crap and change my clothes. See, this is what I hate about winter. Not so much the fact of cold or the snow or the ice, just the logistics of doing anything. Too warm to go inside, too cold to go outside, change your clothes when you walk in the door, extra layers, getting dressed and undressed, carrying things around. It's a bloody nuisance!!
I think I've decided to give up on my marriage. It was Friday and he was doing that bullshit where he constantly interrupts me with something provocative and I realized, whether he's conscious of it or not, his goal in life is to keep me on edge, provoked, emotional. Not because he has any strategy or intention, simply because it amuses him and he gets restless if I'm displaying happiness or calmness. it's so very automatic. I also, honestly, think he's got dementia. He's begun forgetting really stupid things and doing really mindless things, worse than ever. I can't get him to see a doctor for so much as a blood pressure test so it's not like a: we can do anything about it or b: he'll get diagnosed in the next decade. He no longer does things that will help his brain either, like learning new tricks, playing in 3d or playing his guitar. Just wastes his off hours watching right-wing pundits tell him how to think and feel. I feel some sense of wrongness in it. Like I'm intending to abandon him when he's getting sick, but other than you, reader, and me, nobody knows. Nobody will know for at least a decade, probably 20, and he just might die of a stroke first anyway. I'm terrified he'll get sick for real, like stroke or heart attack, and I won't be able to escape. I mean, if we'd been married 30 years and it included any good times, anything more loving that him stepping up this year to take over my chores and drive me places and cut back on his cruelty, well I think guilt would be more appropriate. But I don't feel it in my heart, that it's wrong. I feel in my heart that it's wise and my best choice. So who'll look after him? Hard to say, will he stay in Saskatoon or move back to his home town in the states? if he does that, I guess it's back to his family. Hell, they made him, let them deal with it. They've got more resources than me! They have incomes and each other. I've got just me and I can't deal with him sane and stay healthy and get better, nevermind if he really has got a mental aging disease. So no, I don't need to block off part of my conscience to leave him just because I think he might have dementia. Anyway, on the surface, I'm no doctor and I'm not even slightly qualified to assess it. I'm just going by how he's getting increasingly paranoid, stupid, and forgetful. That might just be him settling into his natural self.
I do worry how to get rid of him. He's not going to go quietly nor just up and go house hunting when the real estate agent turns up and puts a sign on the lawn. He's going to stall, interfere, argue and obstruct. It won't be like I can just move my fave crap into the bus and drive off, I need to sell the house and that includes getting rid of what I don't plan to keep and how to get him OUT of it for the sale? Will a buyer want to rent to him? LOL, I'd rather see it bought by someone who wants to live here. Well it's getting late so I'll quit with this and just leave it at that.