faithless friend
It's driving me batty! I've been the best friend I know how to be and still I'm accused of judgmental and insulting behaviour!!! I remember when it started. I used the word stupid to reference an idea in a post my friend shared and next thing you know I'm saying that person is stupid and nothing I can say or do to defend myself is valid. It's infuriating! I could apologize, as I've done repeatedly in the past with this person, but at some point they've got to learn to quit raking me over the coals for their own head trips! It's cruel to me! Nearest I can figure, I represent the better parts of the person who abused my friend, and so my friend projects the nasty parts of that other onto me as well! Then like Don Quixote goes at me, tilting full gallop with lowered lance screaming anger at me for some perceived slight I never made.
I've got this abusive husband poking and provoking me when I seem at peace or happy. Then there's the friend who's been around the most who is casting me into this virginia woolfe script of abuse. Where are the nice people I am told I deserve? I really don't know. It does make you doubt yourself when the people around you treat you like crap. I guess I haven't really found the way to bridge the gap to normal people who don't reach back with grasping hands like a predator spotting a victim. I'm definitely a victim. I never realized it because it never was violent, just emotional. I'm the first to apologize most of the time, or have been that one. I'm changing that these last couple years because it's not appreciated and I'm still being mistreated. Yeah, I used to go all out to appease people. Must have made me smell like prey. Then there's the way I just can't seem to reach out and create connections with people, feeling like they probably are annoyed, or too busy, or just finding it too hard to connect at all. I don't know how. So the people who aren't subconsciously on the hunt just forget about me.
I'm quite prepared now to go solo on every level. I know I might run into some serious problems that way but I don't really see an alternative at this point. I'll just have to see if I can get friendships going with new people? I always seem to wind up with damaged people and for years thought of myself as damaged. Got treated that way by bigoted "normals" too. I've been judged as a wide variety of things. Drug addict. Crazy person. Manipulator. Satanist. Conceited. Self centered (I'll own that one but it's innocent and I work hard to balance it.) I've been called annoying, condescending, and oh it just goes on and on. some have even called me a master liar! I pride myself on being honest enough that you know I mean it when I say something nice, and that when I say something hard it's because it's important, not because it hurts you. I pride myself on forgiving. I pride myself on having empathy and compassion. I pride myself on being generous even when I don't want to be. I pride myself on giving my time and effort readily to others. I pride myself on having courage no matter how scary it is. I pride myself on having a really effective brain that holds a lot of information and comes up with really good conclusions. These are the people I am, why then do people call me nasty things? I cheer people up, I give them a smile and I try to be warm and kind and complimentary. I even heard from staff at the clinic that I'm creating a positive and welcome effect there with my efforts. So, well, why would a friend think I meant anything hurtful? Only if the friend is locked into an abusive behaviour pattern with me. So what should I do? Give up on this person or wait to see if they grow? I'm so tired of giving up on people, it's the only advice anyone in the world seems to have and it really doesn't help because then you're alone again.
I've got this abusive husband poking and provoking me when I seem at peace or happy. Then there's the friend who's been around the most who is casting me into this virginia woolfe script of abuse. Where are the nice people I am told I deserve? I really don't know. It does make you doubt yourself when the people around you treat you like crap. I guess I haven't really found the way to bridge the gap to normal people who don't reach back with grasping hands like a predator spotting a victim. I'm definitely a victim. I never realized it because it never was violent, just emotional. I'm the first to apologize most of the time, or have been that one. I'm changing that these last couple years because it's not appreciated and I'm still being mistreated. Yeah, I used to go all out to appease people. Must have made me smell like prey. Then there's the way I just can't seem to reach out and create connections with people, feeling like they probably are annoyed, or too busy, or just finding it too hard to connect at all. I don't know how. So the people who aren't subconsciously on the hunt just forget about me.
I'm quite prepared now to go solo on every level. I know I might run into some serious problems that way but I don't really see an alternative at this point. I'll just have to see if I can get friendships going with new people? I always seem to wind up with damaged people and for years thought of myself as damaged. Got treated that way by bigoted "normals" too. I've been judged as a wide variety of things. Drug addict. Crazy person. Manipulator. Satanist. Conceited. Self centered (I'll own that one but it's innocent and I work hard to balance it.) I've been called annoying, condescending, and oh it just goes on and on. some have even called me a master liar! I pride myself on being honest enough that you know I mean it when I say something nice, and that when I say something hard it's because it's important, not because it hurts you. I pride myself on forgiving. I pride myself on having empathy and compassion. I pride myself on being generous even when I don't want to be. I pride myself on giving my time and effort readily to others. I pride myself on having courage no matter how scary it is. I pride myself on having a really effective brain that holds a lot of information and comes up with really good conclusions. These are the people I am, why then do people call me nasty things? I cheer people up, I give them a smile and I try to be warm and kind and complimentary. I even heard from staff at the clinic that I'm creating a positive and welcome effect there with my efforts. So, well, why would a friend think I meant anything hurtful? Only if the friend is locked into an abusive behaviour pattern with me. So what should I do? Give up on this person or wait to see if they grow? I'm so tired of giving up on people, it's the only advice anyone in the world seems to have and it really doesn't help because then you're alone again.