well that went sideways

 yeah, things are evolving rapidly and I am feeling really nervous about whether I'm being watched or what, and what should I do.  For now, I'm packing my stuff into the bus so when I'm inevitably evicted I can hope to have it still.  Not the valuables, those are going immediately to the pawn shop, what little there is.  I did all this two years ago, there's precious little left, really.  But still enough to be a daunting and nervous task.  

I keep trying to convince myself that they're not going to execute a home invasion but I keep wondering how that is done and what time frame and spiralling from there, trying to figure out how I should act and wondering if they'll just stick me in a cop car on my handcuffed wrists on a plastic bench for hours. Then I worry about the dogs because nobody can come later to the locked house to collect them, 

Oh it all gets to be too much and I think to myself, maybe it's incredibly rare because it's traumatic for some of the employees used to turf a disabled senior and his hairless dogs and canary out on the sidewalk like that. I mean, it's going there, I can't break even with selling the house.

I'm waiting cynically for the advocates to get in touch.  I'm getting doctor's appontments reminding me of my health problems. 

My surgery site on the left side is still not healed. Just interacting with people is hard enough to have me swearing at my phone when it goes off. Like usually.  Now?  Well I have to answer a lot of unknown numbers because I've put out calls. 

At this point foreclosure is likely by august due to unpaid mortgage.  For me, this is the easier solution and anything they get from the sale they can share with the government,  I'll find a way to move on, and I won't be writing it until it's underway.

Here's the thing, on the website, they said they're targeting the little tradesmen who don't pay their taxes. the little guys. Not rich guys.  Just ordinary working men who put in those long hours doing careful work.  Being taken out one after another.  You thought it was hard to get something installed right before?  Good luck now.  it's genuinely not possible to do a good job and still make enough to live off 40% of the earnings, which is all you get when the calculatinos are done. We were doing so poorly so often, especially when we were striving to pay the accountants and the taxes, that it's why I felt pretty capable of going on welfare with no food.  I wasn't living better and in fact wasn't able to afford my medical needs.  For now, those are still covered.  I'm clueless how that situatino will change.  The workder hasn't gotten back to me. Nobody has.  Now it's easter and I guess that's three days of nobody bothering me anyway.  

For me the biggest issue right here, in the now, is the nerves.  I reset and relax it over and over and over and over and over....  I'm tired but I can't sleep.  I'm not healing and i thurts. I feel like a hunted man, an outlaw, hated. Scared and hiding in my house twice as hard as I used to.

Now this, this is the thing that really gets me wondering again if there is any motive forces in the universe that want good for me.  If there's one thing I've been trying to do since I was four years old, it's live a gypsy live near or on the sea.  I kid you not. Always.  And yet I keep falling short by just that little bit.  That last key and it stops me. Like not being able to fathom how to come up with enough cash for the bus, realizing I couldn't even buy a chunk of land, I was going to settle back down.  I stared out that window and wondered how I long it would take to stop suffering for sitting inside 8 mos a year struggling to get out for food or medicine. Hating the view, the place, the people, the climate, the ecology, the landscape, almost everything.  I can't hate the nature bits themselves, it's not their fault they're in a shitty place anymore than it is mine and they're doing a lot better at it.

But yeah, it's not lost on me that I might be grateful down the line for the hard boot to the butt that sent me to whereever I will be.

Did you know that it's enough to sinply touch an officer's uniform, like his sleeve, to be charged with assaulting him?  I almost got charged.  If I do it again, I really will.  If I did it to a half dozen cops at one session, then acted out in court, I'd solve my room and board and medical care problem. 

I just want to try and not get tossed into yet nastier packs of cruel humans at all. Whether the homeless ones or the jailed ones.  No, they aren't all like that.  but the ones that are make up for the rest, believe it. I can't handle normal society. I really don't know how that would go. Maybe I actually do fine with hurting people because I'm a rainy day person and they all protect me instead.

and that's the kind of mind rotting stinking thinking that keeps me awake at night.

You must understand, this is the intended result of the recent actions. 

oh here's a weird one, slightly less than $200 was refunded from "somewhere" into my account and is now stuck there frozen.  I don't know whence it came. Unless it's the refund from the music shop being removed from the credit card, but I doubt that.  I'll take a second look later and see if there's any sign of that.  But anyway, whatever, let them take the banking fee from it. I can't help but wonder what it is about.  Was there some portion of the disability allowance they weren't allowed to take? Where will it go? Will the mortgage auto pay take it? Will they dock the credit card for said debit? That could be interesting.  It would certainly disable the card but I'm seriously thinking of alternative solutions. That card is a very short term use item right now. I suppose it might keep foreclosure at bay a little longer, but I don't really want them waiting till winter, because I don't want my dear little house harmed.

that's some good news I got. The lot is not quite long enough to be developed into anything but a single family home, so not all the trees need necessarily die, and maybe someone will come up with an alternative.  I'll be leaving the old blueprints for an addition sitting out in hopes they inspire someone.

It's all so terribly sad and exciting and terrifying all at once. My primary goal is to keep my hairless puppies together and warm. Anyway, there's been plans A-E and you may be sure there'll be an F eventually, even if it's a bad luck letter. but if  I get to F, I'm still having terrible luck.

When I was young, I formulated the belief that luck is a volumetric sort of thing. It has amountness.  More, less, lots, none, it has an amount.

I've always thought I was exceptionally gifted with a special luck that helped me bypass terrible fortunes like assault and such. That it kind of happened easily, daily.  A luck allowance. I drive and miss all the bad traffic and catch all the lights and that's my luck running. No car accident and stuff. No major fails.

But I have felt utterly dead and luckless for awhile now.  I also always thought that when I felt very unlucky it was because my allowance was being saved against something coming up.

Well, I still hope this could be true now. 

I dunno.  

Honestly, I care, but I don't care.  I know I will not enjoy it, but I'm also such a masochist anyway, I don't exactly care. or maybe I trust myself that much, that no matter what you do to me I will crawl back out and carry on being me, aggressively. Like I always have.  Sure, I hide, because dong my thing is what matters, not being seen doing it, and people really do like to interfere.  Now if "my thing" involved another living being experiencing suffering, I could totally understand the meddling. but I'm just trying to make useful objects that look pretty.  Because they're useful, nobody values them as art.  Stupid eh? WTF is the big deal with hanging junk off a nail on the wall?  You can only fit so much up there.  

Meantime, you're opening fugly packages on the coffee table when you smoke up? Not my gorgeous little boxes?  

You'd rather pay $300 for a polyester hoody because of the embroidered logo? Why not the gorgeous wool sweater I made by hand?  Oh come on, how hard is it really to soak and rinse a rinse a sweater in a bucket?  Seriously, unless it's very dirty it won't need soap.  Just toss it in cold water till later, then rinse until the water runs clear.  Dry flat on a screen or thick towel or low bush.  

I keep hoping I find real people also out there hiding in the world and they'll help me because they'll see my skills are actually worth something. 

The capitalists have been winning so much now, I just don't know anymore.  I'm not a fighter.  i'm a healer, a counselor, a teacher, a sage, a necromancer and clown.  not a fighter.  I craft, I cook, I clean, I caretake. I don't coerce or influence or manipulate others to take from them or control them. 

I only lie when the relationship is fundamentally disrespectful anyway. and then only because I am forced to interact and will not put myself in jeopardy to make someone's job slightly easier.

I have about as strong a moral compass as you get, but it makes room for a lot of petty crime, actually. LOL  Like stealing wool off sheep in the night or harvesting a bit of crops for self food.  As a kid, I stole for candy. As an adult, I stole to eat and wipe my ass and light my house. As a grownup, I quit stealing entirely.  As an elder, I will try to find a better solution but my ideas about morals have adjusted to recognize just how unjust and evil this society has been lately.

But I was thinking of meat sheep, not someone growing wool. Someone who wasn't going to keep it anyway.  Frankly, I won't need any wool for a couple years if I can keep the wool I have.  I could sell wool goods to keep fed and pay for the bus and so, well, not be a wreck on the sidewalk.

I don't know what the government is doing or if advocates can help. or if anyone can help with the tax people.  I can't face talking to them again. they're only pretending to be nice to string you along so you give up every last ounce of power or freedom or privacy you had left, voluntarily. Because they're breaching people's constitutional rights in the pursuit of absolute tax hegemony.   So they try and make it sound like you have to, but they can't ask you to share to the level they ask. Even the banks are reluctant to just knock everything wide open. They surrender the funds but not so easily the statements, for example.  The government is dancing the razor edge of overreach.  

If I can hide away for ten years, will the world get worse or better? 

Oh you don't understand, it's not impossible for me to homestead. It involves unknowns like how to get ostomy supplies or handle heavy lifting, but I can wild forage and wildcraft, it's been an interest of mine for a long time.  I have always felt just one step from losing housing.  I was told I was a free citizen and that Canada wasn't a profiteering country but a country that was built by citizens to care for the citizens. 

sure, yeah, 98.5% lies, I know, but I believed it pretty deeply. I was the kid who got upset at the gas station for not replacing the tattered flag.  I used to hang one on my house.  I've always voted and was actually happy about the last election. No matrix refs pls, it's tiresome.  Suffice to say that I was all in, a believer, and it made me feel safer.  There would always be someone who cared. this was Canada.

I waver between grief and rage about that. I worry and pray the kids can save themselves.  If they try and I'm still around, I'll do what I can to help. I can't anymore, I'm exhausted.  I can help, I can't start a thing. I used to start things, actually.  I'd get mad, call some people, write some letters, make things change.  Nobody pays attention anymore.  The press has been broken, and not by goverment in this case, but by private interest groups with big money buying and screwing it up.  It's utterly gone.

Now?  Well here, this is a report. Did anyone read it? Ever?  Point made. Too much noise. People can't take it all in. The competition for attention is rich, too, they've got very deep pockets and clever staff. 

Not that I'm trying here, LOL, but my fame in other social media arenas is equally hopeless.

I was sorting paper today and came across some of my writing from when I was struggling in my youth. It blew me away.  One actually had me in tears. 

that's a talent I could exploit if I had help. Like right here, you've seen I write well.  Do you know I don't use spell check and type approx 60wpm with lots of backspacing? Almost as fast as I think. I do better on a decent keyboard. these tiny pressure plate devices are harder to get right.  On a screen I'm horrendous but still know more than spell check.

i could have been a book copy editor.  I would have loved it. Apparently it's a popular job, though. Like so many of my interests, the competition is always way ahead of me and secretive with resources and stingy with contacts and sabotagey too sometimes.   I suppose perhaps the world is a bit over populated already.  Whatever, like I said, I'm not a fighter.

Wha? Why? you ask why I am so set on that? I was born with this thing. By the time I could communicate with others I was pretty much trying to preach non violence.  I would resist until the barbarian inside would rise up to protect me from actual harm. That was how you could spark a tantrum, threaten to break something important or cause me scary pain, like the sharp whack to the head from the foot of a music stand in grade fourteen that saw me roaring at a girl held by her shoulders six inches off the floor against the wall by me.  I roared at her that I'd had enough, I didn't deserve it, she had to leave me alone. Dropped her and fled in tears, feeling the deepest shame of my life. I apologized the next day for my violence but she spoke to me respectfully and never again did bother me and nobody had a problem with what I'd done. 

I felt less respect for the whole bunch, but I guess it was also a form of compassion to grant me the right to non harmfully fight back. 

Make no mistake, I'm a lot stronger than I look. Especially when I get an adrenaline spike.

I tried coke once, it didn't do anything at all.  I think because I'm already so revved by nature! I remember trying speed as a teenager and it was absolutely awful because I felt like a live wire and wasn't sure I had control of my limbs or would they spasm out suddenly from the intense spike of adrenaline. I learned that lesson quick.  Oh what happened that day, you ask?  Well I had to go to church and I was scheduled to read from the prayer book that afternoon.  I pulled it off too, I'm that self disciplined, but oh it was hard.

Hey, if you see large tattoos on someone who isn't a pain junky, that indicates a  lot of self discipline. Remember that.  You cannot hold still against pain for three hours without it and you can't have a tattoo if you don't.  some folks build self discipline alongside their tattoo collection too.  Start with small sessions but work up.

Well.  I don't feel like I should be ashamed of myself.  I feel ashamed of my country though.  I hope I find the people who just can't be evil enough and we can eke out a lifestyle that's worth living.  

I watch all these super yacht and mansino tours online.  I like boats and architecture.  But damn, I couldn't live like that.  I could mooch off someone else living like that. I'd have to open an artist's retreat if you set me up with one of them.  So many bedrooms and amenities, bring up people who need housing or a retreat, or ? brainstorm it.  Just don't install 3.5 staff and show up with 6 friends every now and then to be served and pampered, letting most of that estate be essentially empty space even when you're "home."  Then I remember that these people compound the sin of gluttony by having multiples of these houses, all standing empty and waiting with salaried staff at the ready.  The art in these places really tells the tale of madness.  Very seldom does it do anything other than the create shapes in the space.  It doesn't draw you in to imagine something or feel something.  It doesn't dazzle your eye with it's beauty so you can just sit and stare happily. it merely fills space like some pretentions oversized chromed sculpture of a balloon animal.   Oh wait, they did that, didn't they?  heheh, Yeah yeah.  I did see one of those in one of these houses.  or the infinity circle.  That one might belong to the staging company, but it's just a circle of LED striplights in front of a mirror with a mirror surfaced glass on top so that the inside is blurred but the lights reflected infinitely. Frame it, hang it.  Giant magic door to somewhere else.

I wonder how much people would pay me if I could build them?  There's a bit of woodwork and glass purchasing involved is all. and the LEDs.  Probably not cost effective as a product, just as DIY,

Oh and I've been on antibiotics, really heavy dose 4 times a day, keeping infection at bay. Which is good given that there's 3 open holes kind of sucking air and then exhaling lymphatic fluid and blood.  It's awful. they're small but scary and one may yet grow, the skin is way too thin over it. 

Ah, I've relaxed, and it's late, must sleep, you're done reading.