helpless is a new normal

 help?  None available as far as I can tell.  Everyone just passes out numbers to everyone else but nobody actually has anything to offer me.

Very disappointing, it really is.  

I'm assuming it's just a matter of time and I'm trying to finally get the bus on the road. This time Dan is helping.  I am not able to bring much and the effort is exhausting even as I get frantic with fear.  So scared of a home invasion.  They would take the shirt off my back and my ostomy supplies too far as I can tell.  There used to be categories of protected belongings but they wiped it out.  I'm not hiding valuables, everything I have is second hand junk, patched and banged up.  But it's useful junk and I need it to do stuff. I gotta try and keep my doing stuff going.  It's the only hope I have.  

It's all so intense.  Grief, relief.  Terror, anticipation.  I keep getting freaked out at how much I have to deal with and dabbling from one end of the house to the other wondering if I have enough time. 

I tried advertising a groomer's clippers, really good condition, and got one response who never got back to me. So disappointing, I just don't know what the heck is with this market in Saskatoon.  Nobody buys? Not the table last autumn either, even though I had one really interested person.  

If I can stick around here and set it up, I'll hold a yard sale and sell off the stuff I'm not keeping.  For now I"m focusing on getting packed in the big white thing and trying to squeeze it all in and still have it functional.  Dan is determined to get a trailer for the car.  I'd rather not drive a trailer, but then even if I did the back opening on the bus, would it then be impossible to keep plates on it?  Canadian inspectors aren't so much inspecting for safety as for any sign someone didn't spend enough money, so my bus would definitely get dinged?  

But I am praying I connect with western skoolie peeps who can mentor me and help me with the remaining build.  Meantime I'm stowing inside what belongs on top.  I still would like to tie some things on top but don't know a good way to attach them.  But then that's another example of something we could do later without leaving yet once I'm tucked in.  Finding a powered site which would let me weld, however, is asking a lot.  If Dan keeps the generator we could set up in some scruff land and plug the bus into the generator, then carry on as if we were on the grid.  That was a nifty pawn shop find but we haven't had a chance to use it and may never.  I wanted to sling it up under the bus floor but again, neither of us can figure out the physics of it.  We just don't know enough about the situation.

I hate the thought that I will never ever find people willing to accept me.  It comes across my mind whenever I think someone might teach, mentor, help, or otherwise be something other than an obstacle or worse.  what if it never gets  better?  Well I try not to think much further than the week I'm in, it's bad for my mood.

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