what's so horrible about me?

maybe it's time I listed what I think makes me a terrible person. Why people so universally hate on me.

I have a temper. I lose my temper when I'm stressed and shout and swear and slam things. The dogs get terrified and hide. I can't say how often. It can be weeks or days or hours. Good days, bad days, and I don't know what the key is except I feel extra crappy those days and too crappy to put up with crap.

I am a negative fuckwit. I am always thinking of how something might go wrong, what needs to be done or added or fixed. what advice I think I should give someone. complaining about me, my life, my health. 

I hate the world. I hate my life and my place in the world. I generally don't like people, although there are people I do like.  But generally speaking, I'm a hateful person.

I am picky. Can't just eat what others are eating. can't just dress, act, talk, or walk like everyone else. Everything has to be unique. Sometimes on purpose, like how I dress. I always have to be unique. Now I've got added health problems to make me unable to even just fake it, I really can't eat what you're eating or dress normal or even go out for a couple hours. I can't even try now. 

I can't take a joke. I can't take teasing of any kind anymore.  I've gone from very sensitive and self conscious to just plain intolerant. 

I argue constantly.  Nobody is ever right. I can't just pretend to agree, I'm always trying to be honest about it. 

I talk too much when I talk. Just floods of words. Diarrhea streams. Even in text. Floods. No idea where to stop or how. Just embarass myself every time.

I'm not useful. Clearly. Nobody wants to use me for anything. Not anything. Never did, surely not now. Doesn't matter what I think I can do, obviously I do it badly.

I'm lazy and sloppy and careless and selfish. I don't see that from the inside but I think it's pretty obvious to everyone else so I guess I should cop to it. I mean, I perceive myself to be trying to be clean, tidy, careful, thoughtlful and hard working.  But the outcome of my efforts does not show that. I haven't the enrgy, skill, experience, or drive to actually achieve anything respectable in anything I do anymore. I'm fucking worthless, see, because I'm too sick and miserable.

Emotional vampire, always looking for some kind of release from my sense of worthlessness. Then I back off for weeks or months, ignoring and neglecting people. I really am trying not to get them into expecting anything from me in the first place. Actively rejecting efforts at friendship. I'll only disappoint.

I know that none of this is good mental health but I'm at an impasse these days. I just can't lift myself out anymore and I can't accomplish the things I need to do in order to lift myself. I'm not only useless to the rest of the world, but to myself too. I feel helpless and worthless.

I am going to try harder next time I'm sick not to reach out for help. Even if i'm afraid strangers will call the cops on my noise. I was making so much noise out in the bus last time I got spooked that sirens would come and people would pound on the doors and break in over my screaming in pain!  But you know, they might just curse me and shut their windows. I would have died if I'd stuck it out. I had a bad bladder/kidney infection. Not sure how long it would take. But if I don't come out of the bus I know dan won't check on me. He once went for days, I forget how long. Three? Five? well he just didn't check on me up in the attic.  It wasn't till I made him take me in at 4am that I got in ER. Which was a pointless effort at the time. Well anyway, if I just decide I can't disturb him for my illnesses anymore, that might help me hold out.

I need to fucking die. I need to die. I need to be dead. I need to stop. I hate my life. My life sucks. People hate me. I will leave no hole. Even my dogs are hiding from me. it just keeps getting worse, not better. I want it to END. and it just won't. and there's no god or anyone listening. And if they did, they'd despise me enough to curse me with long suffering life. Yep. Definitely wouldn't help. Nope.  Not with the things I can't do to improve my life, nor with getting out of living. Anyone who does reach out is probably just going to try and rip me off anyway, eh?

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