more productive thoughts

I think what I need to do is twofold. Now trying not to give a shit about anything, that's failed every time, but I should still try, right? Caring is my problem from my POV. I wouldn't feel bad if I didn't give a shit, without having to change anything else about myself. Just attack it from "so who fucking cares?"

Which is the other part of the thing I need to work on. I've fallen into that self pity pit again. I need to remember how I dealt with it last time and start over. Again, though, it really comes down to attacking my motivation for caring.

So what if people hate me?  I wouldn't care if I didn't have these fancy expectations of how people treat each other and how the world should be. And where do I get those? From stories. STORIES. Not experience. Not how I'm treated or how I see others being treated. But from manufactured tales of how people ought to be. 

Well they ain't. The world ain't a nice place and nothing in it is coming to anything important to me. So why don't I quit trying so hard? I've been told often not to try so hard, to care so hard.  But I've tagged my self image on it.

I think of myself as someone who cares.Because empathy comes easy to me. because I can extrapolate likely future events from current ones and get scared of the outcome. Because those stories told me it's a valuable quality. Because people insult each other by suggesting they've got no feelings, don't care, lack empathy, etc. 

but you know, my caring isn't welcome. If i had money to throw around, sure, they'd want me to get involved. Financially. But nothing else of mine is of value and that includes my empathy. And I guess I need to screw that into my brain. They don't want my caring any more than anything else about me. don't want my art. Don't want my product, just don't want. 

why does Dan stick around I wonder. I guess he can't stand the idea of aloneness and doesn't think he can do better. I don't know. I can't do better than him, I'm sure of that. 

I don't need to see myself better. I need to stop thinking it matters. That's why I keep cutting myself off more and more from others, so they aren't around to judge me. and I don't have to worry about them judging me or worse. Because it doesn't end at the judgement. There's ostracism in the best case, intense bullying in the worst, even to physical assaults. 

I see the world seems to have changed but I don't know how to interface and I am certain I'll get the wrong side of this brave new world. They're going to jump down my throat over and over and over again if I try and reach out and interact. Sure, yeah, they'll be doing it for a different reason now. Instead of because I am weird, it'll be my out dated notions.My mother spent years taking me with her everywhere and nattering in my ear. Because I had no friends, she had way more of my time than you normally would and she really treated me like a pet for awhile. Telling me all sorts of terrible things about the world around us. Talking about people's appearances and behaviour in the worst terms you can imagine. her name should have been Karen, really. Classic Karen personality. Always talking smack about the people around us.

Well that voice is still in my head. Like how songs from your childhood float up, her voice floats up. I see a large bodied person and her comments about obesity float up as if they were opinions I should hold.I mean, I was just a little kid, like four to eight years old. By age eight my depression was so severe she didn't like me enough to keep me around anymore.  Not that this completely stopped the nasty talk, it also went on at dinner time. The whole family particpated in ripping people apart over things like obesity, cleanliness, lifestyle, mental health, intellect, fashion choices, and it really had no limit. You could be insulted at these family sessions over how you wore your hair, how often you painted your garage door, what colour you chose, whether or not you coloured your hair, and on and on.

The upshot is I was deeply programmed to give a damn what other people think. Oh to beat it into me, the kids at school routinely bullied me over the very same kinds of insults my parents had for other people(and also me).

Right, so at this point self pity is raising his head. That's what's so hard about coping with my history, the loop tapes in my head, etc. On the one hand I need to let go a feeling of being at fault. But at the same time not feel hard done by even though I was. While still accepting personal responsibility for fixing it, without a clue how. While not feeling bad about all that asshole crap leaking out my mouth when my brain isn't vigilant or educated enough.

Yeah. Dr. thinks I need chemistry. I think I need therapy. Dr. has informed me that they really only cover very little therapy and for a short time.  So i'm shut out because I haven't got special coverage or the money myself. LOL  Put that story in your bell lets talk day.

it's why I think the pysch industry really only wants to sell us pharmaceuticals at inflated prices.

So I do my own therapy as best I can and feel the dearth of someone to listen to my drivel. Thank you blog for existing. 

Yah, gripped by self pity again. Like if I don't drive myself with emotion I'll never escape the cold.  Like if I don't try harder I might wind up freezing on the street homeless when I'm seventy. yeah, that too I worry about. Who will I be in twenty years and what will I suffer then? 

I know that's not letting the future me solve myself. but I'm terrified of how much pain is ahead of me. I just know theres more. 

yeah, that's the nut of it all. Fear of my future. It's worse than ever before. My house is hock enough to lose it.My body is a mess and without expensive medical junk I can't even just exist.  Nobody could live with poop pouring out a hole in their stomach and no colostomy supplies to cover it. I'm terrified of running out of both money and supplies. What would I do? tape a plastic bag over my stomach? I really do sit and worry about it.

Well this isn't working, I keep just diving deeper into my self pity. Need to take a break and work on it later. Shitty day today.