Being nice on the internet vs in person

I have an issue with face-to-face communication.  I'm eloquent enough, but not the least concise. I cannot get to the point often. Sometimes it flows like someone is speaking through me, other times I'm just following a boulder down a hill hoping I don't hit anyone, but isn't it a nice boulder? Maybe?  Frankly who can tell, it's spinning too fast and nobody knows where it'll land. me included.  My talking gets away on me like that.  Afterwards I'm just horrified, when I get alone and can think again.

And that's the problem. My thinking capacity is halved when I'm required to converse with words. I cannot say why in a scientific sense but I can say it's an autism thing. What I also cannot say is this, when someone's there.

I'm fine in writing. I've got time to think, to edit, to be intentional. I want to be intentional with my words but the brain simply can't do both. I can't both talk and think on three tracks.  Normally I've got 3 tracks and any two can be brought to bear on one task, while the other has to be directed with music or tv, or it gets going on something anxiety making.  

So that's another chore in my head, finding a way to stop the anxiety chain.

But that's not today. Today it's how do I present to people in person, the person I present on line? For that is the person I want to be, to present, to act from.  But in person I spill all over myself and that other track, the one that gets upset easily, takes over or something.  I just get on my problems. Same damn thing every time. It's a self pity grab, but it's not pity or attention that I actually want. I never get useful attention.  But the moment verbal conversation starts, that's the default personality that comes on.

Is that because most of my verbals have been with people asking me to account for myself, people in power deciding what support I deserve?

Holy shit. I mean, I never got peer socialized. Never. I have had very little interaction with people equal or below me on the social scale.   The majority of my interactions are brief scripts, like in stores, or I'm beseeching someone to open a door for me. Provide me with medical care, money, transgender therapy, a home, don't fine me for that crap someone called me about, and etc.  I can be very good at this it seems. But by whining so hard they just want me gone.  It's the only trick this pony knows in person! That was my childhood.  Endless rounds of explaining myself to angry adults.  And that's all I know how to do now.

I haven't a clue what you do about that one. It's upsetting to realize how deep this handicap goes, and it's such a damn subtle one. Who'd think? Who'd know? And how would I tell anyone? Because I"m such a drip in person nobody has ever wanted to pay attention to me. This of course only leads to more drippiness as my desperation and discomfort grows.  

Coming here to drip was supposed to help. I see now why it doesn't. It's not a habit, it's the only socialization I received during critical development phases and so in person, the only way I have.  it would take intensive group therapy with an understanding and patient, but forthright group of people willing to endlessly correct me. 

Well if that's why I was there, then yes I'd take the correction, and they would be able to remind me I was there to receive it, and I'm sure if their patience held out mine would.  But I think I stand a better chance of totally isolating myself than of finding that.

Well for all the crying it's got me doing it also feels like a focus point, finally. I don't know how, but I think I get what the problem is and I will naturally ponder long on it. Come here to "think out loud" and so forth.

I think mostly I'm crying in fury over a world doing that to me. fucking me up so hard and so young. I can't even play a blame game. It's more like "spin the bottle" where you spin and whomever it lands on could be put on trial. Were they actively bullying or just supporting the bully to avoid personal retribution, or even managing to hide in the corner and avoid notice.  Every one of them failed me.  The adults who were in charge of my care and education failed me. 

Oh I know. They didn't know better. I don't get that, but I do hear it. I still remember the tone of people around me and it was 98% schadenfreude when they sent me out to be bullied. those adults knew and disliked me equally with my peers so they sent me off for my punishment. Every last effing one of those MFs kept telling me to my face that I deserved it for being the sort of person I was being.  I would say I didn't understand, they would call me a liar and shut me down and ship me out. Every fucking time! They still did it last time I tried to get along with people. Is it any wonder I've developed a whiney and needy personality around them? 

I've got no trust left. It might come out like paranoia but I've had too many rejections to call it bias.  Right well I'm just chewing on anger bones now. I gotta go back to tensioning my warp.

Popular posts from this blog

End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...
Read more

why I do my own hair

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...
Read more

does anyone care?

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...
Read more