scary future

I was watching the tv.  I'd tuned into the news while using the bathroom, and as usual all I got was the commercial break.  Said break included an ad for a senior's residence.  I thought to myself, if I had to live there instead of getting in a bus and driving around, just sit in an apartment in Saskatoon, then what?  I don't have sex.  I can't enjoy a good shit in the morning.  I don't have family.  Friends?  Well there's a bunch of people who'd call themselves my friends but they wouldn't be around then any more than they are now.  Facebook can't replace a good game of canasta, you know?  I can't even use food or booze to get pleasure.  1200 calories a day just isn't enough to eat more than it takes to get my vitamins and fiber and protein!  I don't have grandkids coming around or any of the traditional things that keep elders going.  I just get so depressed at the idea of being stuck like this.  I shared my feelings with Dan and he tries to use it to fish for a compliment "well you'd have me" and I said "well, yeah, that too."  "That too?"  "Well it hasn't exactly been the greatest marriage, has it?"  He almost let that get him in a snit but didn't, to his credit.  I mean, he still hasn't acknowledged how bad he's been, there's no certainty he won't be like that again, you know?
I'm so stressed these days too because the pain has gotten worse instead of better and the VRAM flap reconstruction of my perineal region hasn't quit oozing fluid.  I get sharp stabbing pains in my belly and butt.  It's scary. I'm also getting ridiculously bored.  I'm an active, intelligent person sitting on a couch day after day.  I've got some light household chores for entertainment, or I can read a book, play on a computer.  it's just all so fucking pointless.  And repetitive.  And lonely.  I can't get into things that are just solitary, there's no reward if nobody else will ever see it.  If this is my reward, why would I want to beat cancer?
So yeah, depressing morning.  Feeling lousy.

Popular posts from this blog

End of January, good news mostly

I feel so solitary tonight. Like, I want to just talk about things but there's not really an outlet. I went to the knitting group for the 3rd week. I was proud to show off my socks but they were ignored, except maybe for the dude who soon after went from sitting beside me to sitting across the room and table from me. Swiftly, much less. I found that move so pointed I just packed up and left. After all, I wanted to learn socks and I did.  This has me having to think more deeply about my desire for community vs my nerves. See, another thing I just figured out is what ails me. It's not CFS, or MS or another mysterious nervous system disorder. No, it's simple nervous exhaustion. I didn't realiize itcould manifest like this.With such a wide range of alarming symptoms. So I am now adding nerve system rest to my lifestyle. One way is to lay quiet with ablindfold, possibly knitting, or with ambient or classical music playing and no ads. Another is to mask the city noises ...
Read more

why I do my own hair

I booked myself in for a hair appointment yesterday.  I thought it went well, although during some points I sensed she'd turned on me.  However, she was too professional to be obvious about it so I wasn't able to know if it was paranoia or instinct, you know?  I mean, normal humans would sense these things clearly, I'm just left with a vague uncertainty I can't trust.  I can't ask anyone about it as they'd always lie.  Humans always lie.  That's the problem.  They lie, and they expect you to do the same and I just can't. I got done my hair appointment, she tried giving me a discount, several times, as though she'd done something horrible to me, but I was innocent yet.  When I was giving my hair a better look in the bathroom I finally realized she'd swapped the pink and blue colours and I had blue hair with pink accents instead of pink hair with blue accents. I stopped by the salon to make sure she knew, and she acted like she thought that was w...
Read more

does anyone care?

"Meltdowns can take the form of screaming, crying, physical aggression or it can be a shutdown where there is no speaking or activity. In either situation the person with ASD is in tremendous distress. Their safety and emotional stability should be the top priority above all other considerations." I saw this video of a kid having a tantrum and his dog interfering to comfort him. It was titled "dog helps asperger's kid with meltdown."  It was exactly the kind of emotional meltdown I suffer all too frequently. It left me weeping.  Why?  Because everyone seemed to give a damn about the kid's emotional distress.  I've never experienced that.  When I hit emotional distress it's always been a case of "oh there she goes again, taking over the room with dramatic hysterics.  Get her out of here and make sure she regrets it." Now I see above that there are people who actually think it's not okay for someone like me to feel the way I do so oft...
Read more