On bullying and building connections (2 topics)

I've had an epiphany about bullying.

Psychological bullying is worse than physical.  With physical, there are intervals of peace. They hurt you hard and take a break. Whether because they're satisfied or feeling guilty seeing you injured, or because the injuries elicit protection, you get a break.  How long?  Days or weeks I suppose. 

Not so psychological bullying.  It's all day every day, everywhere, everyone, and the few people who feel sympathy sit and talk about it all too often.

I had a few lights.  Teachers who gave me something else to think about and some quiet space to do it.

Not enough, honestly. 

It was books that really saved me.  From books I learned about feeling and health and human interactions and character and morals and self esteem and so much more. I learned that hope was important and cheering someone up was valuable and so very much about being a good person.  

Well I think that part of my strength today is that the bullying was so extreme I absolutely did not take it to heart.  Instead, I concluded that the whole entire world can be utterly wrong and refuse to accept it.  Like the story of the emperor's clothes, except they would have killed the kid who shouted out. 

I could see it.  I had read the wisdom of the ages and could see for myself how foolish these mortals be.  So I did not take it into myself, all the nasty things they said to me. I took in the fear, the threat, the grief, the irritation and the anger. I took in the stress.  I did not take in the image. It was more that I wondered why they can't see me. Why do they see what they call me?  I stayed true to my principles.  I forced myself to act with courage and love, even when it cost me. I did it because of an inner moral compass. But the reward was a strong self image. A core so strong that even when I did rub my nose against the question of whether I am delusional, I had the answer in hand.  no, I am the person I think I am.  I know this because I remember the times I have acted in concert with the character I hold important and think of as myself.  I remember the sacrifices and the humility and the courage it took. 

I think if it was physical, and the solution was to fight meaner, I never would have reached this stage of character.  I would have grown my temper instead and have too many memories of the wrong stuff I've done (I have those too) and they would make me question myself far more than they do.

I like Oprah's take on the past.  "i was doing the best I could with what I knew and now that I know better, I do better."   It's exactly how I cope with the less proud memories. 

Again, you need to practice that mindfulness and make that effort for this to work.  You cannot forgive yourself if you still do the thing.

Speaking of, people around here seem to be able to reach the shouty man and he seems to be training his dogs and trying.  They aren't out in the weather all night and day. I haven't heard him shout at all in ages.  He still pounds on the wall and they're still locked in kennels inside the RV but I can see him taking them out to play and train and I think they will get better if he keeps that up. The other guys going over there, possibly specifically the guy from the black RV seem to be keeping him supported. 

It's cool to see, honestly.  It's a war with the angry feelings I've nurtured, but honestly there's no other answer for those dogs. SPCA surely cannot find a placement for large aggressive dogs like that. The worst one is a cane corso with testicals.  But if the dude figures out the trick with dogs, it won't matter who he's working with anymore. So yeah, this is magic to see.  FRom a distance.  Oh I don't snub the dude when he passes.  I just also keep my distance. I don't microhostile at him either.  I live and let live unless you count the time I wrote the animal control about him kicking the dog. Nobody did anything about that.  So yeah, that system is also broken. We really are on our own these days. 

Well so I pressure washed my bus roof today with rain water.  I'm thrilled at how I can use water in a bucket to feed it.  I have just one last side to scrub, and then a final wash.  I've been collecting rain water off the bus for this and solar to run the device.  Nifty eh? 

Some yarn I gave away returned as an eighth of nice bud today, that was a sweet little surprise.  Saskatoon never let me give anything to anyone. I wasn't able to get the energy flowing. 

See, when you need incoming energy, you have to open the outgoing channel and get the current flowing to draw in the energy you want. Whether this is tossing your last dollar to a busker or helping a neighbor dig a garden. Being open and willing to give of yourself in whatever form you can, is the secret to having things come through to you.  It can take time.  It migth move slow and small for awhile, but it's the way the world wakes up and moves around and starts circulating. Each of us must learn to give more.  To see what we have in abundance and a find a way to share it.

The world is too stingy today. Everyone adds everything up and does the math and expects precise returns. It's clogging up the traffic, if you will, a gridlock of energy.a