Hostile territory

 November 11th 2023

Gotta leave gabriola and can't come back till january.  Don't want to anyway, it's a shitty place for us. We aren't rich enough, old enough or connected enough.

It's clear this place is quite hostile.  I really did know it would be, although not how it would be. I am not surprised, though I am saddened to see how it is here.  The hatred is deep and owns the law and the law hounds houseless people around like rats.

You need permission from someone to exist?  I don't know.  I just know I can't go anywhere else.  I get so scared, though.  Terrifed of how deep this takes me. Do I wind up homeless on the street here in a year? 

Dan still keeps trying to insist he's above the law because he doesn't respect it, and I keep having to outline how that attitude has put us in this situation, how I can't work legit work, travel across the border, own a bank account, and etc. He is responsible for this and can't seem to grok the concept that he should smarten up about it.   It makes me wonder if I'm really better off with him, but I've only got 500 bucks left. It's only the first half of the month.  Camping, which must be driven hours to get to, costs $100/wk if we can get in.  

The private campgrounds restrict to young name brand RVs, not just anything you can drive in. That puts my skoolie out. If I had the $700/mth 

We had a shitty job here but can't go forward with it because there's no place within commute distance for us to put the bus. Not private land nor public nor anything.  we have used up our annual 14 days for 2023 and ALL my patience with these old assholes. I haven't met one single person I felt good towards.  Even accounting for attitude I should have by now.  I've been trying my best.  I just keep feeling like I'm back in my parents' world.

Like yesterday, I asked someone how she enjoyed her walk so she ignored the question and drove in with personal questions about my plans with regard to the park and my camping there. Hostile.

When people are friendly, they're fucking annoying with insistent instructions on what I should do.  Like the woman in the ferry waiting room who thinks just anyone can do bar service.  Or kitchen service. Geeze, I wish. I love to cook.  But I actually can't, by sanitation law, work in food prep or sales for the public  because my ostomy is seen as a health liability. This is not something i wish to divulge on what should be a casual conversation about what she likes best or whatever.  It's just so hard to just have conversations. People pester one with irritating questions and then lecture on with unasked advice.  I would have been happy to talk about nature, weather, the ferry ride, anything that makes us smile. 

The solar is still really not replenishing and I gradually run the batteries lower and lower, frustrated that I can't set down long enough to just install the fucking inverter.

That would let me actually charge the system, which our regular battery charger can't, using a generator. Then my solar system works with generator backup during these dark days. Because running the genny constantly really isn't an option. I use the solar for my canary and plants, a couple hours in the evening.  It's getting dark so early now.Its only going to get worse for the next month, too, until the winter solstice. Five more weeks, and count it as ten, until the days grow again.  And we can't find a place to just stop moving for long enough to catch our breath.

That's the hostility. They don't want us to feel comfortable for one moment because they want us to leave.

and I can't.  I can't live anywhere else. I would be there if I could.  I am incredibly ashamed of the place canada has become and would emigrate if the option existed.

But see up there where I cant' cross any international borders anymore.

It just does feelextra craptastic and my brain is beginning to shut down.  I have a plan for the next 24 hours, and that'll do.  Even if we only plan 24 hours in advance it's not nothing. But geeze I wish I could find a place to take us long term. 

I have to stay. I can't go anywhere else. I cant' put myself in that cold out east and I can't travel south.

And nobody cares. They aren't asking. They don't give a shit and don't intend to change that approach and I can just shut up and fuck off now. I wonder what the "or else" is?  Is that my eventual outcome, to find out what the threat is?  What is it? I'm in a 12 ton bus, here, its not nothing. You cant' get that kind of tow truck immediately and it's not cheap. 

Right now, I am doing my utmost to avoid the stress of confrontation. Will that change?  Will I learn to live with that too?

Or will I figure out how to park here?

Or find a friend?

It's just not possible to keep my spirits up thinking past tomorrow's overnight hope spot. Or next week's new town hope spot.

We're going to try the end of the road and see if they need us there. It looks bad online though, they seem to have a strong opinion of unhoused people as just plain infected zombie people to be avoided and run out of town, same as everywhere we have been.  But what else can we do?  We can't stay in any park more than 14 daqys and most are closed all winter.  no private campground will take us and we couldn't afford it if they did. We can't seem to get hired, I dunno if dan's failing to do whatever he usually does or it just isn't working nor where i could setup and sell my wool.  It's also nothing like it used to be so any experience I have here is invalidated completely.

There is no other place I can survive. I can't just kill myself, I have definitively verified this.         What to call a place where you linger between terrible pain and death, never quite dying, for decades? Well I refuse to. rek myself into such a situation just because these people say so.  Them not knowing doesn't change my situation in the least.