it's been a year, I am not happier.

I really am just wanting to burst with frustration.  First it's the key I could swear I left on the table last night being gone in the morning.  There was no way for anyone else to interfere either. I just can't find it. Now I can't find the phone headphones I need either. The key is more frustrating because it can't be duplicated, I can't take the lock to the locksmith for a new core, and there's only one left now. 

So then after a thorough search I went to do the work from yesterday on the diesel heater. The effing red paste everyone said to use may in fact cause me to throw it out.  I might be able to find a solvent for it, but we haven't enough money to buy it!

I am out of oranges too. 

Dan. He is so dishonest and sneaky. Ok, so somebody called the city and complained that Dan's van was a derelict. Frankly, it qualified at that point. Filthy, the rust coming through the primer coat he refused to top coat, the cracked windshield, the motor disassembled and "not working." And he'd even let the damn registration lapse. 

So they peered over the back fence and started in on me about my bus again. I worked my ass off repainting the van, dialoging with the city, getting stressed.  Decided to take my bus out of town on the weekend.  booked a camp site, told dan, asking for him to help me get it out. My wallet dissappeared the next morning off the same table from which the key is now missing.  Dan had opportunity and motive. Rather than engage in a fight, I informed him that until the wallet turned up or I got my ID replaced, he'd be taking me everywhere, going to the till with me to pay, and so on. I couldn't do anything myself, not drive or pay, without my wallet. Well the thing reappeared (after I caught him skulking in my bus) right before we had to go on errands.  Yeh. Uh huh. 

My deodorant also mysteriously migrated out of the bus into the medicine cabinet next to his. Given he had a brand new one, this could only have been petty messaging.

I started locking the bus. I put lock screen on the phone. I got a new phone and set up pay by phone. I  am trying to get a counselor and have an intake appt with a divorce lawyer. I havent' a lot of faith in the latter two but I don't know what else to do. The counselor at OUT cancelled once on me already and if the pshrink in residence recognizes my last name, she could poison that resource against me too. Because people do that around me, you know. 

You know the most frustrating thing?  People would rather believe I'm delusional than that someone could have this kind of journey through life!  

I just don't talk to anyone anymore.  For awhile I was dishing to one woman but her life blew up so I quit burdening her. I don't *know* her life blew up, she never dished back.  Which is another good reason to stop.

Thing is, that's not a metric I can use because of people who do dish back with the intention of one-upping you. I used to do that, but I couldn't understand why, only that it seemed like what you were supposed to do. Influence of someone in my life I guess. On one level, sharing is good. Sharing relentlessly is not.  I don't know. I can't figure out that fine line and I"m tired.But I'm scared too that this isn't a phase and I"ll be solitary forever. I find that terrifying because I can't stand on my own and I can't keep being emotionally abused forever either.

I've started chanting "I wish I could die this year."  I figure I"ll prove once and for all that wishes don't do anything.

On the upside, people respond to me as a man now and that gives me joy. But I'm not here to count my blessings. I do that in the moment, it's nobody else's business, and that's not what I need this blog for. So, dear reader, you will have as erroneous an experience of me as everyone else. You don't get to see my cheerful side. Nobody does. I used to share it, it kept getting me metaphorically slapped down. So I don't anymore. I just don't know what the heck about me anyone else appreciates. If my good side is annoying and my bad side is intolerable, what's left? 

I ponder often where to look now for community. I joined the spinners and weavers guild but it's clear I"m not welcome because dope smokers are evil and everyone in that guild is straight.  Super straight, even the gay ones. Not nerd straight, the "I hope nobody notices how weird I really am inside" kind of normal. Where the weird is mild and well hidden, and they get along with almost anyone they choose, and have large support systems and a job. That kind of straight. Go to church on sunday maybe.

I don't see them doing anything of value for me. They have classes you have to pay for that youtube teaches free. They have sales you have to qualify and pay for, like $150/table IF they approve your stuff. I am but a guppy in a bass lake skill-wise. I mean, there's inspiration there, but instagram can do that. I just feel like I have nothing to offer around people like that. Many of them have literal PhD degrees in textiles! Privilege.  It offers so much.

I just want to find a way to buy food and pay for my utilities and why is that so impossible for me?  I get told I "can't work here," then called lazy.  

Over the years I've often asked Dan to leave. He smirks and does something else.  Ignores me. 

I can't get a no fault divorce because he's still in my house and I have nowhere to go and no means to get there. 

I would have to prove mental cruelty. But he's got that "can't prove it's intentional" thing going on, you know?  That's why the therapist, someone who can both cut the fog and provide some expert backup to the divorce court.  I'm so afraid they won't help me for whatever reason. Just leave me hanging in the wind. Like usual. I feel so alone.  I used to tell myself I'd just stick out my thumb again and hit the road and find my fortune once more. But with a colostomy, a hernia, severe asthma and sinusitis, and intense cold intolerance, this just isn't an option.  With housing the way it is, keeping mine is more important than it's ever been. But how to get rid of the one that makes it so stressful and creates crisis situations by being neglectful and sloppy?

Well ok. So I wish I could say I feel better but I made myself upset so nope.

Oh, and I finally figured out what's going on at night. Restless legs syndrome. Since childhood. That twitchy feeling in my body, mostly legs, from wanting to run away, that's what's keeping me awake. I want to run to the ends of the earth, just escape, and it's making my whole body restless, not just my legs.

I wish I had the means and courage to just kill myself. I'm not afraid of success, don't get me wrong. I'm afraid of failure. Failure can be anything from the sick twist in the gut to hospitalization against my will or debilitating injury from the attempt.  So I won't attempt. ut I can imagine ways that wouldn't likely fail like jumping into a giant shredder and the mental image of what I'm putting the other people through stops me too. The last time I tried, I laid in the old van (gone now) so as not to foul the house with the taint of death or more.  Of course I didn't even fall asleep.

People call me strong. that's like calling your slave strong.  He's a slave. He feels pretty damn weak. it rings hollow.  I am not that. I fake it, sure, when a level head is needed I can put off shock or panic, rage or fear, but I can't go out into thee world and face emotional pain over and over and over again.  I'm not strong like that. 

Well I guess I will spend the day learning now to dissolve that damn gasket without destroying the aluminum face of the seal bed.  Way to expensive to replace. I think. I guess I'll look into that too. I may be able to replace just the main heater body with nothing else for less than the whole package. If I save it from this, I'll be pretty proud of myself.