happy birthday Joe

Oh my, that wasn't exactly the way I pictured it. 

So it's my birthday. Yolanda died August 26th 2016 and I rose out from the surgery, so that's my birthday. Regardless of documentation.  August is way better than november!  It was a stat holiday for mourning, gee thanks, and close enough to christmas to be a reduced quality affair when stingy parents are involved. I hated it.School days as a kid weren't holidays but we assembled all morning in the gym to hear war tragedies and see pictures of horror.  Happy birthday indeed. The forced minute of silence for an ADHD kid was pure torture. 

So I'm changing it.  I will tell people if they ask, it's august 26th. That makes me a virgo I guess, which frankly far better describes my personality than scorpio ever did.  I guess I had both in me. 

I decided to celebrate.  I would go out and buy myself some cake that would be suitable for a birthday and have it with a good fresh quality barista coffee.  

First I had to mail a package. So I was in my shirt and tie and fedora hat with hand knitted band and silver decoration, mason tie clip on the shirt. Parking my car next to someone who was infringing on four different spots the way she was parked. I didn't say something, just shook my head and parked properly knowing my little car can use a half stall safely enough. As I was turning it off, a man pulled in opposite her. He gestured for her to back up and let him use his whole stall. She stuck out her tongue.  He did it again.  Then they appeared to fight about it a moment. I opened my window and hollered at the woman that this is going to happen when you park like an idiot.  She started having words with me, in a pugnacious mood. At some point, says he's her son and she can treat him like that if she wants. I pointed out the lines on the ground, coming round to that side to do it. Said it wasn't that inportant who he was, the fact was she was taking up four stalls. She tried to insist it' was because of the guy parked in this stall last but that would have meant she was on the other side of hers, so that was nonsense.

Well her son came out to defend his mother from this asshole, they were both using copious profanity.  I flipped them the bird at one point and then just stuck out my tongue twice, copying her. Anyway, they weren't having any of my explanations and weren't backing down and I?  Well I just don't.  I keep my back up because my self respect is more important than my wellbeing. So he was right in my face trying to command me to go away and just basically take the win by his domineering personality.  He didn't really have a commanding presentation in his stained wife beater over apple body. The only thing that guy had on me was weight and that won't help when you're chasing someone as fast as me.

I;ve been assaullted but never actually touched. My reflexes and flexibility and strength are too good and because I'm not seeking an opening to land one, as I'm a pacifist and don't, I get an extra advantage.  I just need to dodge till they have time to reconsider their choices.

So I turned away to shut my door as a car was pulling in and I'd left it open, thus pretty much ending the interaction without any real win or resolution. I went and did my business.  Peeked out the window a few times. He was agitated talking with her next to my car but they didn't hurt her and that's all I was worried about. They were gone when I was done and that was good too.  I'd have happily kept going, I'm secretly fond of winning a war of wits with the witless.  But I also don't let myself get invested.  It's not that big a win, just a momentary rush.

Ok, time for cake and coffee. It's why I'm wearing my tie. Forgot my knitting and my candle.  Damn.  Oh well, I have my emergency spindle in my pocket, I can spin.  

It takes awhile to find a path through to the restaurant, there's so many construction sites this year. More than usual. Well it's not a bad thing even if it is a stressor for me. But I"m singing happy birthday to me and keeping my spirits up.  This is maybe the way to rise over the depression and be the naturally cheerful guy I know I am inside.  Brute force it. 

Restaurant is crowded and nearly surrounded by active road construction. But they have the right kinds of cakes! I order and sit down. The cake arrives, not the coffee. I wait. Nearby a couple of friends are haivng a relationship discussion about one woman's attachment to an unreciprocated love. I had nothing else to listen to and it wasn't fresh or interesting except in that I wanted to get in on it and dispense advice too. A problem I haven't tackled yet, this deep longing to give advice. It's definitely an ego thing so it should be on the list eventually.

Well anyway.

The coffee never came because the water had just been turned to emergency supplyl onlyl. They could still be open but no espresso machine, only drip brew.  I sat there with my dry cake thinking of the flavour of drip coffee and how atrocious it always is and feeling pummelled by the noise and with nothing substantive even to look at as there were people in the way of everything.   You can't stare at people, not even if you're staring past them. So I had them box up the cake, refund the coffee to the tip fund, and I was off home wehre I've just finished an excellent french espresso pot coffee with the very good cake that I shared with my dogs. Oh, and stopped off at the asian store and bought a tiny waving solar mon mon cat for luck. May the money flow into my life. I am joe, I was born in august, my age is 6 but I'll tell you it's 59 because that's more legit. And if I have to give DOB for legal, it won't be august 2016.  But if you're a friend, you'll learn about it the first time you help me celebrate my birthday. Because I'm transparent with friends. So they don't feel deceived later when they learn what I didn't tell them.

I should ask the therapist about that. I'm supposed to get on there and book it too.

I'm getting free therapy, appointments are fcfs so the intervals are unpredictable, but I don't mind, I don't know how to use her yet anyway.  I'm so used to using this blog and the imaginary therapist, coupled with copious research about anything that in any way seems familiar, until I can rule it out, or confirm it.

You know, I found out that self pleasuring in babies is not uncommon, and that most childlren will start to discover it  before they learn to walk and talk. So that helps me a lot with my wonderment about whether or not I was interfered with.  The only thing that could leave me suspicious is a memory of a dream which would awaken me in utter horror and keep me awake.  I'd have this fear for days after one.  the dream was more like a memory and super vague. The taste of a cotton sheet in my mouth, the image of popsicle sticks, the kind with a spoon shape, lined up side by side, alternating handles and spoons. Although they weren't spoons, the bottom half of your image is cut off by the top of a blanket and the march of lines represent one item expressed in a pattern. Thick, thin, thick, thin. And it's beyond terrifying.  It's the only thing in the universe left to fear once this fear has been seen. It's that kind of scary. 

I haven't had that dream since childhood and good riddance to it, but I've never stopped wondering what it represented. 

Thankfully, even if it does represent improper behaviour from another onto me, it doesn't represent enough to say it wasn't a one time thing with a stranger or distant relative. It doesn't need to be a close relative.

Yes.  It's very relieving. I don't want to feel that way about myself, my family, especially not the prime suspect.  He has enough chains to drag around perdition as it is. Metaphorically speaking. I believe he's already reincarnated. Maybe as an albatross, that wwould please him and it would be  a nice long time on the sea, his first love. Eating lots of his favorite food, fresh herring.

you see, i htink we do reincarnate. I think that although we are all part of this big amoeba of energy, we yet retain a certain wholeness of self.  Acontainment of specrfici personal lessons. We don't carry the memories but we do take the lessons. Perhaps it's a form of tropy or medal of achievement on our soul, the things we just know. Like how I was born pacifist with no ability to argue it until I'd studied enough to give argument.

My argument is rather unique, however. It's based on the universal human belief in magic. Magic is any unknown force which can do what we cannot. Be it god, spells, chants, wishes, fairies or will power. 

See, when you commit to pacifism deeply enough, you are rewarded with peace.  though you may walk a warrior's path, and stride through strife and face obstacles and oppressors, you will be a calm spot in a sea of violence. Your pacifism will create a pubble of peace in all that is in your awareness. No violence will happen in your presence and you wouldn't allow it anyway. 

I don't hide from it. If I see someone being unkind to someone else, I usually beep up. Ala parking lot lady playing hijinks with her obnoxious son. Neither one smiled, you know?  Yes, I'im thinking that too, they might have hoped to get someone into an actual fight and sue them and get a pay day. Not me, bub, I'm pretty self controlled and fearless.  It's not a good combo for you. 

Hers'a  question I ask myself. How can I have an anxiety disorder but be fearless?  I mean, it's illogical!  Well, no, I have that much courage, that's all. Courage only counts when you're afraid, you know. I'm always a little afraid, but I can put it behind me while others let it whisper nasty things into their ears.

When i"m alone at home it yaps away like someone gave it a bullhorn. That's the anxiety disorder. Catastrphizing does happen. So does a lot of self comfort, crying, talking myself back down, chanting, breathing, and getting something done if I possibly can.  there's always something and it prevents the negativity from entrenching itself. I can't feel bad about wasting time being miserable if I didn't waste it while I was miserable. So I do something. Lots of people do housework. Poeple of old did wood splitting. Those are two great examples.  It restores yours pride, you environment, and shortens the length of your to-do list, therby relieving some of you stress factors.  it spends the adrenaline buzzing aroudn in your blood from all the stress too, and if you do it right, gives you a work out and stretch too.  By the end of it, you're more focused on the pride of a job done than the sorrow that started it.

Yah, this place to type still works.

So my birthday, that's today. Henceforth and forward. My birthday wish, and I can tell anyone I want without thinking it's going to fail, is to have friends to help me celebrate better next year. Listen, some wishes come ttue, some don't, nobody's ever done a statistic on birthday wishes vis a vis secrecy, candle ceremonies, etc.  I think my wish is better fulfilled if I say it out loud somewhere. I do not think telling people in person is wise, it's way too pathetic for that. Pathos is one of my obstacles, after all.