never imagined that

I like many women have an interest in stories about prisons, nuthouses, that sort of thing.  Orange is the New Black, for instance, is not only a great show, but plays to some of my "daymare" fantasies.  You know, you sit there imagining how you'd handle the experience if you got tossed in jail/prison.  Or other people imagine crashing on a tropical beach with a boat or plane and having to survive till rescued, like that "reality" series called "Survivor."  It's funny, I've had daymares about prison, many kinds of prison, about having to survive in a variety of wildernesses, all kinds of crazy possible disaster scenarios, excluding perhaps zombies. But I never, not once, ever, imagined spending a year in Cancer Land.  Never sat and thought of ways to handle it, or imagined how I'd carry myself, or what I'd do, or how sick I thought I'd get.  Never imagined it could take months or even years of rolling from one reason to feel like shit to the next.  Now I've met people who do indeed know how that feels.  I hear about people who die after battling cancer for a decade.  Like, this might never end!  I have no parole board, no end date, no promises, and no clues.  I'm stuck in my house, day, night, summer, winter, indefinitely, shuffling from the toilet to the couch, fighting pain, trying to sound cheerful on social media, crying my ass off when I've enough privacy to cry or scream in pain.  And there's precious little I can do about this except navigate the moment by moment insults to my body as best I can.  I can do more than the average patient, and I pat myself on the back for it, but I can't make this go away or decide the outcome or any part thereof.  I can't know or choose how much surgery i'll face or what shape I'll be in if this does all end.
I never saw this coming, I really didn't.