My sister only had one day?
I haven't written in here because I can't sit up at my desk and use my decent keyboard. It hurts too much. I've been going in weekday mornings for radiation and taking chemo pills 2x a day on those days. Today they cancelled my treatments for a week because I have too much radiation burn on my groin. My urethra, vagina, anus, and the skin thereabouts have what feels and acts like open road rash. It doesn't heal over, it bleeds, and so forth. Apparently I'm still doing remarkably well this far into treatment. I don't have the references to know, but if it's so, that's likely the paleo diet.
My sister is taking the summer to drive to the coast and back. She took a week to get here, then only had one day to spend, one day, two nights, an evening and a morning. To see your dying sister you only made one day. Yeah, and yet you want to pretend you love me, and never thought of me as lesser? I know better, sister. What you don't understand is that our relationship is so shitty because you always waste my time trying to improve me. Every time we ever talked I would wind up fielding some kind of advice on how I could be more like you, or some exasperation that I am who I am and it doesn't make sense to you. How is that not judging? I did mention that I felt she'd judged me, and she insisted I was reading things wrong. so well. Whatever. I gave you my saturday, sister, not because I actually was happy to see you, but because I have enough love to give you my energy and suffer for it simply so you can have a clear conscience. And this is a thing you still don't know. I won't tell you. I don't need you in my life because you've never provided any resource I could use or wanted. You've offered plenty and came through on none of it. So? so okay, that's why our relationship was strained. I hope you find, in your travels and slow retirement adjustment, what it is you seek. If you are looking for someone perfect who is worthy of your love, look in the mirror. When you are ready, love me that much and we'll be sisters. Till then, I won't waste my energy pretending things are better than they are just so you can feel okay, got it?
Well it was a nice visit. I was being treated like an important person for a change and it felt nice. I felt, for once, like I was getting what I deserve. What I've always been worthy of, and never got. If my family could have treated me that way all along, I wouldn't have left ontario. I liked the place, I just didn't see any future for me while surrounded by people who had such abysmal opinions of me.
Two weeks ago I swallowed a pair of pearl stud earrings. I'd set them in my pill cup because I was too tired to put them away, then forgot them. When I put my chemo pills in the cup I didn't see the earrings and they are smaller than the pills I take. Down they went. They showed up on the xray taken when they line me up for radiation and the oncologist got very worried. He's had me up for xrays three times now. So far as anyone can tell, they passed harmlessly. I dug one out of the colostomy bag and the pearl was dissolved down to the seed bead inside. What's more, I never got every scrap of fecal matter out of the earring back. So I decided not to dig for earring #2, and that means the doctor isn't confident it's gone, but I am. It was very close the last time we saw it, only a couple of inches from the stoma.
Yes, did I update? I've got a colostomy. I'm sure I must have. The surgeon isn't very encouraging about my chances of getting it reversed after the cancer is dealt with. He hasn't said it, but it is actually possible even my bladder will be damaged. If the cancer is too deep into the pelvic muscles after the treatments, not only do I not get my ostomy reversed, but I might be faced with self catherizing. That's where I would shove a soft plastic tube up my own urethra every four hours for the rest of my life. I don't know if I will be able to face life with that and the colostomy bag. I don't know if I can live in a mobile home that way. I don't know if I could escape it either. I'm not a killer, right? I've failed at suicide a few times now. I'm terrified of the surgery because I won't know how much meat I'll lose till I wake up from it and I'm helpless to effect it myself beyond my efforts to keep as fit as I can under the circumstances.
I've been cheating on my diet a LOT, and my asthma is coming back, so that tells me what sugar does. I've been eating cookies and chocolate and fancy soda. Not a lot of sugar, nor of wheat, but I'm having to use my rescue inhaler to sleep. However, for the most part I'm still pursuing a paleo diet and I'm getting good results. It's proving to be the right diet to survive chemo and radiation. They keep telling me in surprised terms, that I'm doing extremely well this far along in my treatment. People with more experience and knowledge of the process tell me it's unusual to be this well after this much treatment. I don't know what condition they expect, but they've been worried that I didn't put on extra weight, and I think I'm supposed to be too nauseous and dizzy and worn down tired that I can't think straight or something. Mostly I feel pretty normal, really, just a bit weak and I have zero stamina. That stamina is too bad. I can't do much at all without aggravating the painful place in back where all the trouble sits. Then I'm downing dilaudid and tylenol every four hours. Actually today I'm on significantly less pills, so that's also positive. There is no sign that I'm going to suffer any addiction to the stuff.
So, I pray that I can be working on a bus next year, not getting better at packing for a hospital stay.
My sister is taking the summer to drive to the coast and back. She took a week to get here, then only had one day to spend, one day, two nights, an evening and a morning. To see your dying sister you only made one day. Yeah, and yet you want to pretend you love me, and never thought of me as lesser? I know better, sister. What you don't understand is that our relationship is so shitty because you always waste my time trying to improve me. Every time we ever talked I would wind up fielding some kind of advice on how I could be more like you, or some exasperation that I am who I am and it doesn't make sense to you. How is that not judging? I did mention that I felt she'd judged me, and she insisted I was reading things wrong. so well. Whatever. I gave you my saturday, sister, not because I actually was happy to see you, but because I have enough love to give you my energy and suffer for it simply so you can have a clear conscience. And this is a thing you still don't know. I won't tell you. I don't need you in my life because you've never provided any resource I could use or wanted. You've offered plenty and came through on none of it. So? so okay, that's why our relationship was strained. I hope you find, in your travels and slow retirement adjustment, what it is you seek. If you are looking for someone perfect who is worthy of your love, look in the mirror. When you are ready, love me that much and we'll be sisters. Till then, I won't waste my energy pretending things are better than they are just so you can feel okay, got it?
Well it was a nice visit. I was being treated like an important person for a change and it felt nice. I felt, for once, like I was getting what I deserve. What I've always been worthy of, and never got. If my family could have treated me that way all along, I wouldn't have left ontario. I liked the place, I just didn't see any future for me while surrounded by people who had such abysmal opinions of me.
Two weeks ago I swallowed a pair of pearl stud earrings. I'd set them in my pill cup because I was too tired to put them away, then forgot them. When I put my chemo pills in the cup I didn't see the earrings and they are smaller than the pills I take. Down they went. They showed up on the xray taken when they line me up for radiation and the oncologist got very worried. He's had me up for xrays three times now. So far as anyone can tell, they passed harmlessly. I dug one out of the colostomy bag and the pearl was dissolved down to the seed bead inside. What's more, I never got every scrap of fecal matter out of the earring back. So I decided not to dig for earring #2, and that means the doctor isn't confident it's gone, but I am. It was very close the last time we saw it, only a couple of inches from the stoma.
Yes, did I update? I've got a colostomy. I'm sure I must have. The surgeon isn't very encouraging about my chances of getting it reversed after the cancer is dealt with. He hasn't said it, but it is actually possible even my bladder will be damaged. If the cancer is too deep into the pelvic muscles after the treatments, not only do I not get my ostomy reversed, but I might be faced with self catherizing. That's where I would shove a soft plastic tube up my own urethra every four hours for the rest of my life. I don't know if I will be able to face life with that and the colostomy bag. I don't know if I can live in a mobile home that way. I don't know if I could escape it either. I'm not a killer, right? I've failed at suicide a few times now. I'm terrified of the surgery because I won't know how much meat I'll lose till I wake up from it and I'm helpless to effect it myself beyond my efforts to keep as fit as I can under the circumstances.
I've been cheating on my diet a LOT, and my asthma is coming back, so that tells me what sugar does. I've been eating cookies and chocolate and fancy soda. Not a lot of sugar, nor of wheat, but I'm having to use my rescue inhaler to sleep. However, for the most part I'm still pursuing a paleo diet and I'm getting good results. It's proving to be the right diet to survive chemo and radiation. They keep telling me in surprised terms, that I'm doing extremely well this far along in my treatment. People with more experience and knowledge of the process tell me it's unusual to be this well after this much treatment. I don't know what condition they expect, but they've been worried that I didn't put on extra weight, and I think I'm supposed to be too nauseous and dizzy and worn down tired that I can't think straight or something. Mostly I feel pretty normal, really, just a bit weak and I have zero stamina. That stamina is too bad. I can't do much at all without aggravating the painful place in back where all the trouble sits. Then I'm downing dilaudid and tylenol every four hours. Actually today I'm on significantly less pills, so that's also positive. There is no sign that I'm going to suffer any addiction to the stuff.
So, I pray that I can be working on a bus next year, not getting better at packing for a hospital stay.