That logy feeling in the morning
It happened today. I woke up with my brain still asleep. It's still not really awake.
I guess the feeling is as though my brain were replaced with wool, or like the electrical contacts are dirty. I have probably 40% capacity compared to normal and the thing that suffers most is my tolerance for an responsiveness to other humans. I used to wake like this far more often in my youth. It's probably something I ate yesterday. Maybe in those tasty chicken smokies, some preservative or flavouring perhaps? I never thought of myself as sensitive to things but in fact I am, I just toughed it through the bad days without realizing they were abnormal. I thought it was mental illness, frankly, something I just had to learn better control. But it's been a long while now since I felt this incredibly awful and I really realize it.
The body aches more too.
I used to go to work like this and that almost always lost me my job. Not the first day, but when it went on too many days or happened too many times, it guaranteed I would be "laid off." That was the euphemism for "fired for being annoying" because I never did anything specifically wrong and I always worked really hard. But in this state I can only focus on one thing, either I focus on you and your need for verbal patterns thrown back and forth (rarely containing any actual data) or I focus on the tasks assigned to me. I can get my chores done. I can't do them while you natter at me. I can't formulate cheery phrases and expressions for you AT all. This, this state right here, is 100% responsible for my disabling. I can point to this root or that root but until you've seen me like this, you can't understand what's holding me back, and neither can I.
Yeah, I can think, read, and write just fine in this state. Leave me in my area with a to-do list and I'm just fine. But people won't, will they? They absolutely must come make monkey faces and noises at one in the middle of anything without regard for current activity or mental state and one isn't allowed to have a problem with that. Especially a female.
When I think how my parents forced me away from anything that wasn't social based employment I just don't know how I could have had a chance. As a pretty girl with a sensitive personality they just seemed to think I was only useful in service jobs and only those classy enough to require dressing up were acceptable for my presumed station in life. So when I came to them with job ideas like "trucker" and "engineer" or "mechanic" or "animal care tech" or "carpenter" I got shot down, time and again, even as a little girl. They were jobs for other people, preferably male, not me. I exited their care with no reasonable skills for survival in the world out there. I remember saying I thought a job on the GM line sounded like just my cup of tea, and they insisted I was a fool without a clue and there's no way I could do it. They categorically denied me and refused to assist me in it. I still believe I could have spent my work hours quite happily drilling out holes in plastic on a line with headphones over my ears and glasses on my face not having to speak to anyone for 2.5hrs per session, just moving the same pattern continuously.
I still could enjoy it now. But those jobs are in China and the pay packet wouldn't cover the commute. Move to China. Heh. Don't think I wouldn't if I thought I could! I like novel places and wished I could have travelled for my life. A factory union job includes time off and pay for exactly that and a decent enough wage that I could have saved for vacations. Stupid stupid parents. So egotistic they ruined my life trying to keep up appearances. Worse yet, the one who cared, my mother, was from some pretty low class culture to start off and so she was dissing her own people that way. But then dissing other people out loud to her lonely youngest daughter was a hobby. I learned so much about what bullies say when you're not there that I can't quite escape the fear!
Damn, I'm going to quit this now. What I need is written so I need now to go read the new blog by my cousin full of gently amusing anecdotes and watch fun youtube videos on gaming till my head calms down. There's also dishes to wash and I know there must be work I don't have written down, maybe when I get out of my past I'll remember what's going on in the present.
I guess the feeling is as though my brain were replaced with wool, or like the electrical contacts are dirty. I have probably 40% capacity compared to normal and the thing that suffers most is my tolerance for an responsiveness to other humans. I used to wake like this far more often in my youth. It's probably something I ate yesterday. Maybe in those tasty chicken smokies, some preservative or flavouring perhaps? I never thought of myself as sensitive to things but in fact I am, I just toughed it through the bad days without realizing they were abnormal. I thought it was mental illness, frankly, something I just had to learn better control. But it's been a long while now since I felt this incredibly awful and I really realize it.
The body aches more too.
I used to go to work like this and that almost always lost me my job. Not the first day, but when it went on too many days or happened too many times, it guaranteed I would be "laid off." That was the euphemism for "fired for being annoying" because I never did anything specifically wrong and I always worked really hard. But in this state I can only focus on one thing, either I focus on you and your need for verbal patterns thrown back and forth (rarely containing any actual data) or I focus on the tasks assigned to me. I can get my chores done. I can't do them while you natter at me. I can't formulate cheery phrases and expressions for you AT all. This, this state right here, is 100% responsible for my disabling. I can point to this root or that root but until you've seen me like this, you can't understand what's holding me back, and neither can I.
Yeah, I can think, read, and write just fine in this state. Leave me in my area with a to-do list and I'm just fine. But people won't, will they? They absolutely must come make monkey faces and noises at one in the middle of anything without regard for current activity or mental state and one isn't allowed to have a problem with that. Especially a female.
When I think how my parents forced me away from anything that wasn't social based employment I just don't know how I could have had a chance. As a pretty girl with a sensitive personality they just seemed to think I was only useful in service jobs and only those classy enough to require dressing up were acceptable for my presumed station in life. So when I came to them with job ideas like "trucker" and "engineer" or "mechanic" or "animal care tech" or "carpenter" I got shot down, time and again, even as a little girl. They were jobs for other people, preferably male, not me. I exited their care with no reasonable skills for survival in the world out there. I remember saying I thought a job on the GM line sounded like just my cup of tea, and they insisted I was a fool without a clue and there's no way I could do it. They categorically denied me and refused to assist me in it. I still believe I could have spent my work hours quite happily drilling out holes in plastic on a line with headphones over my ears and glasses on my face not having to speak to anyone for 2.5hrs per session, just moving the same pattern continuously.
I still could enjoy it now. But those jobs are in China and the pay packet wouldn't cover the commute. Move to China. Heh. Don't think I wouldn't if I thought I could! I like novel places and wished I could have travelled for my life. A factory union job includes time off and pay for exactly that and a decent enough wage that I could have saved for vacations. Stupid stupid parents. So egotistic they ruined my life trying to keep up appearances. Worse yet, the one who cared, my mother, was from some pretty low class culture to start off and so she was dissing her own people that way. But then dissing other people out loud to her lonely youngest daughter was a hobby. I learned so much about what bullies say when you're not there that I can't quite escape the fear!
Damn, I'm going to quit this now. What I need is written so I need now to go read the new blog by my cousin full of gently amusing anecdotes and watch fun youtube videos on gaming till my head calms down. There's also dishes to wash and I know there must be work I don't have written down, maybe when I get out of my past I'll remember what's going on in the present.