why give up comfort?
Finally starting to get more real about things. You can't trust an idea until you've let it go and gotten back to living mostly. I mean, it could be a temporary phase I'd regret, right? Never do anything drastic till you can be sure the urge isn't temporary! Sleeping on it isn't always enough of course. That's enough for deciding on a hairstyle change or a diet change, perhaps even dumping a paramour, but for completely ruining your current life, it's got to be tested a full four seasons! I've known a few addicts who could keep it together part of the year, and then always went goofy the same season and wound up back in the disease. Seasons affect us, how we feel about ourselves, and our health. Winter stresses the body and depresses the mind. Lack of fresh nutrients sap our vitality. Summer is too busy and that can be the stress. Or the drive to go romping that summer sparks might make a person go after radical changes, or revert to poor choices.
I won't do this ill considered, however much my enthusiasm implies otherwise. I think Dan realizes that in spite of his concerns that I would. He's just kind of fearful that way. Maybe being afraid of just anything is what happens when your life is too easy?
That's one of the things I can't explain to ordinary people about my desire for change. It's too easy! And not easy enough. If it was all free, well, I'd still want a shakeup, but it would be hard to justify even to myself.
Why too easy, you ask? Yeah, that is a fantastic question and one I'd like to answer for myself! Why indeed? I'm not some Jahweh follower with his strict code of suffering to prove you're worthy, but I have some of that in my makeup all the same. I guess, a human needs to prove him/herself against something big and I need to know they did before I really consider them an adult. That's what rites of passage used to provide, a sure way to answer the requirement of self discipline in the face of adversity, and one that the whole community knows you took. Whether it's the greek mysteries or the amazonian fire ant glove, everyone knows you passed the test and you are an adult. They can trust you in a tight spot.
Okay, but that doesn't fit with giving up a comfortable lifestyle because it's comfy! Guilt, yes, that I'm using more resources and making more mess than I need to be happy. Also knowing I can be happy living sparser, although I don't think I can do that in this locale. Things are a replacement for humans and that part isn't working for me. I blame it partially on the sparse population and the rural bent of the culture, but I know the problem will follow me. When I left BC in defeat the first time, it was the lack of human connections as much as the financial failure. Mostly, it was certain finances. I couldn't afford to live there, not even on welfare. That at least was pretty good out here at the time, so that's why I returned. But to be fair, people don't find me an amenable character. I'm working on that, really I am. I'm still trying to figure out what else I could add or remove from my behaviour around people to help me overcome it. I like companionship. I just wish they'd shut up. I wish I would shut up. I wish I knew why I talk so much, in fact. Why so many words streaming all the time from my head? Whether written or spoken aloud, alone or in company, they just seem to keep tumbling out of me.
So back to the dream. It's not faded, but I'm coming down from the high and starting to notice things I don't want to let go, like my cuckoo clock. I mean, can it even be kept in a small sailboat? Do we perhaps find secure storage for a closet full of special things and keep it for a decade? I'd rather not cling that way.
Ok, there, clinging to stuff. I've got this deep seated sense that I must be willing to let go even the most precious things or I will be forced to. Life won't let me put things ahead of... what? what's so damn important? Yeah, there's always been that question. I have this inner sense of a spiritual goal that in concrete terms cannot be justified. Who am I? Should that be more important than my things or comfort? Why do I want to give up a cozy house.... Well, to be fair, I really think rot is changing that parameter on this house and if the city inspected it they'd condemn it for mould. But nevermind, it'll hold awhile yet. So we've got to a: renovate this tiny ridiculous shack. with an addition, it'll cost around $150k b: replace it with a new house, either built on site or RTM, $200k or so for that. c: move somewhere else cost depending on where we move and what we move into.
We've got around 80k in credit, mostly used, so we're not looking at the light at the end of that tunnel any time soon. Current house value is around 100k so the equity right now, since it's tied to one of the debts, would not buy us a better house anywhere populated. We'd have to essentially carry a whole mortgage. That's not getting us out of this rat race, and that's another thing that's driving this plan for me. I really mean to solve the problem of all these freaking bills! I didn't mind so much paying out $300-$500 to three or four bills, but these days there's over a dozen to keep track of and numbers as high as $300 printed on them and that's just the fixed expenses! Oh the bills when we pay our accountant and GST. The constant hassling from CRA as our account carries on from year to year, never quite paid off, growing faster than our credit cards. It's INSANE I tell you! We don't have to have them! I get tense as though a bear were stalking me when I remember it.
Yes, there you have it, I'd rather be afraid of bears, wales, and winter storms. I'd rather my threats were immediate and temporary, rather than vague and lasting years.
Whew, you have no idea how overwrought that made me! I'm on the verge of tears and hunched up like I'm old. Ok, wipe my eyes, deep breaths, it's okay, we're going to fix that one way or another and it's not going to be prayer and lottery tickets. it's going to be concrete action.
What I mean to say, the comfort isn't worth the constant fear. Instead of an abusive husband, it's an abusive lifestyle. Chasing our comfort has cost us too much money. He likes what he likes. I learned to adopt his attitude. I felt that I'd never experienced that way of living and that made it a sensible thing to indulge. I let him set us adrift and paddled merrily along in no particular direction myself. Like a pair of children we chased our whims as current holdings permitted and let the debt wait for tomorrow. I knew it was temporary and I also knew I could face the loss. I also knew Dan couldn't accept restrictions. he's too strong, too hard working, and too good at earning to accept restrictions. what's more, he's not able to sit still enough to appreciate free time. He stays intense even then, needing to be both mentally and physically engaged.
I think he'd take well to sailing but he's afraid of the unknown and it's quite unknown. Dan hasn't even taken a single sailboat ride in his life. So as soon as we're down to few enough pets to plan a trip, we've got to plan one to BC to scout it out and charter a sailboat ride. I'm sure someone on the docks would be thrilled to take us out for a gratuity and let us have a taste of sailing. They often do so free just to share the joy.
So I've been feeling bad about cuckoo clocks, stuffed animal toys, and some of the larger historical connections in my life. Even jewellery will be hard to let go and should be let go. I see a place always for a few token items to keep me connected with my youth, but I want to be myself without that history being active.
You know I am realizing that until the 90s or so I was just too miserable to have a "good old days" to the degree others do. Being autistic was just too hard to have so many good memories. I don't lack for good memories, but they're tied to the activities and cevents, not the age. They're moments of happy experiences, not the colour of my childhood. More like the lights in the darkness, I guess. This carried on well into adulthood. It wasn't until Dan came into my life and paid for my life that it got liveable enough. I won't slap us back to my dark ages, god no, I want to do this in a civilized manner. I may have barbarian survival skills but I appreciate a little civilization as much as anyone!
It's those barbarian skills that give me the courage Dan lacks. I know that now. He doesn't have the knowing to eat out of the back alleys, to scrounge the sidewalk for donations, to get around fees and prices, costs and bills, without in fact taking what's not free. There's a whole movement of freetarians and I must say I really admire their ethos. They're scavenging off the fat of a bloated culture and keeping the waste down. If not people, the animals will move in and do it, because Nature refuses to waste energy. (energy cannot be gotten rid of, only mutated)
What, you didn't learn that in physics? I didn't even take the class! Energy is, always is, and cannot be undone. What changes is it's form. It can be mass, stored potential, kinetic, electromagnetic (including "light" and "heat") and can be pulled apart from one form to use in another (molecules being bound from food with movement created from the extra joules)
Okay, enough physics, just trust me, there's an underlying force that pins everything you know and from which all is comprised, even your thoughts. It's the deity I acknowlege, in fact. I believe it's conscious by the simple reality of all the consciousness within it.
So okay, back to comfort. It's unhealthy. Living here is hard on my health in the following ways: freshies are poor quality from long unripe travel, and pricey. 8 months of the year my body is under strain from the assault of cold. I sit so much, it's comfy, you know? I need a damn treadmill to keep from getting crippled by the sitting! Oh in summer I get about fine, I like to move, but then this house, she has so much I have to do every day that I only get about 4 hours in which to go out and do anything! Normal people have up to 12 hours to disperse aside from chores and rest. All this comfort keeps it's caretaker very busy dong mundane things by the clock.
Ick. I'm sick of the clock. I did it for the parrots and I'm fed up with it, but the animals all now rely on the regularity.Speaking of which, time to feed the dogs.
I won't do this ill considered, however much my enthusiasm implies otherwise. I think Dan realizes that in spite of his concerns that I would. He's just kind of fearful that way. Maybe being afraid of just anything is what happens when your life is too easy?
That's one of the things I can't explain to ordinary people about my desire for change. It's too easy! And not easy enough. If it was all free, well, I'd still want a shakeup, but it would be hard to justify even to myself.
Why too easy, you ask? Yeah, that is a fantastic question and one I'd like to answer for myself! Why indeed? I'm not some Jahweh follower with his strict code of suffering to prove you're worthy, but I have some of that in my makeup all the same. I guess, a human needs to prove him/herself against something big and I need to know they did before I really consider them an adult. That's what rites of passage used to provide, a sure way to answer the requirement of self discipline in the face of adversity, and one that the whole community knows you took. Whether it's the greek mysteries or the amazonian fire ant glove, everyone knows you passed the test and you are an adult. They can trust you in a tight spot.
Okay, but that doesn't fit with giving up a comfortable lifestyle because it's comfy! Guilt, yes, that I'm using more resources and making more mess than I need to be happy. Also knowing I can be happy living sparser, although I don't think I can do that in this locale. Things are a replacement for humans and that part isn't working for me. I blame it partially on the sparse population and the rural bent of the culture, but I know the problem will follow me. When I left BC in defeat the first time, it was the lack of human connections as much as the financial failure. Mostly, it was certain finances. I couldn't afford to live there, not even on welfare. That at least was pretty good out here at the time, so that's why I returned. But to be fair, people don't find me an amenable character. I'm working on that, really I am. I'm still trying to figure out what else I could add or remove from my behaviour around people to help me overcome it. I like companionship. I just wish they'd shut up. I wish I would shut up. I wish I knew why I talk so much, in fact. Why so many words streaming all the time from my head? Whether written or spoken aloud, alone or in company, they just seem to keep tumbling out of me.
So back to the dream. It's not faded, but I'm coming down from the high and starting to notice things I don't want to let go, like my cuckoo clock. I mean, can it even be kept in a small sailboat? Do we perhaps find secure storage for a closet full of special things and keep it for a decade? I'd rather not cling that way.
Ok, there, clinging to stuff. I've got this deep seated sense that I must be willing to let go even the most precious things or I will be forced to. Life won't let me put things ahead of... what? what's so damn important? Yeah, there's always been that question. I have this inner sense of a spiritual goal that in concrete terms cannot be justified. Who am I? Should that be more important than my things or comfort? Why do I want to give up a cozy house.... Well, to be fair, I really think rot is changing that parameter on this house and if the city inspected it they'd condemn it for mould. But nevermind, it'll hold awhile yet. So we've got to a: renovate this tiny ridiculous shack. with an addition, it'll cost around $150k b: replace it with a new house, either built on site or RTM, $200k or so for that. c: move somewhere else cost depending on where we move and what we move into.
We've got around 80k in credit, mostly used, so we're not looking at the light at the end of that tunnel any time soon. Current house value is around 100k so the equity right now, since it's tied to one of the debts, would not buy us a better house anywhere populated. We'd have to essentially carry a whole mortgage. That's not getting us out of this rat race, and that's another thing that's driving this plan for me. I really mean to solve the problem of all these freaking bills! I didn't mind so much paying out $300-$500 to three or four bills, but these days there's over a dozen to keep track of and numbers as high as $300 printed on them and that's just the fixed expenses! Oh the bills when we pay our accountant and GST. The constant hassling from CRA as our account carries on from year to year, never quite paid off, growing faster than our credit cards. It's INSANE I tell you! We don't have to have them! I get tense as though a bear were stalking me when I remember it.
Yes, there you have it, I'd rather be afraid of bears, wales, and winter storms. I'd rather my threats were immediate and temporary, rather than vague and lasting years.
Whew, you have no idea how overwrought that made me! I'm on the verge of tears and hunched up like I'm old. Ok, wipe my eyes, deep breaths, it's okay, we're going to fix that one way or another and it's not going to be prayer and lottery tickets. it's going to be concrete action.
What I mean to say, the comfort isn't worth the constant fear. Instead of an abusive husband, it's an abusive lifestyle. Chasing our comfort has cost us too much money. He likes what he likes. I learned to adopt his attitude. I felt that I'd never experienced that way of living and that made it a sensible thing to indulge. I let him set us adrift and paddled merrily along in no particular direction myself. Like a pair of children we chased our whims as current holdings permitted and let the debt wait for tomorrow. I knew it was temporary and I also knew I could face the loss. I also knew Dan couldn't accept restrictions. he's too strong, too hard working, and too good at earning to accept restrictions. what's more, he's not able to sit still enough to appreciate free time. He stays intense even then, needing to be both mentally and physically engaged.
I think he'd take well to sailing but he's afraid of the unknown and it's quite unknown. Dan hasn't even taken a single sailboat ride in his life. So as soon as we're down to few enough pets to plan a trip, we've got to plan one to BC to scout it out and charter a sailboat ride. I'm sure someone on the docks would be thrilled to take us out for a gratuity and let us have a taste of sailing. They often do so free just to share the joy.
So I've been feeling bad about cuckoo clocks, stuffed animal toys, and some of the larger historical connections in my life. Even jewellery will be hard to let go and should be let go. I see a place always for a few token items to keep me connected with my youth, but I want to be myself without that history being active.
You know I am realizing that until the 90s or so I was just too miserable to have a "good old days" to the degree others do. Being autistic was just too hard to have so many good memories. I don't lack for good memories, but they're tied to the activities and cevents, not the age. They're moments of happy experiences, not the colour of my childhood. More like the lights in the darkness, I guess. This carried on well into adulthood. It wasn't until Dan came into my life and paid for my life that it got liveable enough. I won't slap us back to my dark ages, god no, I want to do this in a civilized manner. I may have barbarian survival skills but I appreciate a little civilization as much as anyone!
It's those barbarian skills that give me the courage Dan lacks. I know that now. He doesn't have the knowing to eat out of the back alleys, to scrounge the sidewalk for donations, to get around fees and prices, costs and bills, without in fact taking what's not free. There's a whole movement of freetarians and I must say I really admire their ethos. They're scavenging off the fat of a bloated culture and keeping the waste down. If not people, the animals will move in and do it, because Nature refuses to waste energy. (energy cannot be gotten rid of, only mutated)
What, you didn't learn that in physics? I didn't even take the class! Energy is, always is, and cannot be undone. What changes is it's form. It can be mass, stored potential, kinetic, electromagnetic (including "light" and "heat") and can be pulled apart from one form to use in another (molecules being bound from food with movement created from the extra joules)
Okay, enough physics, just trust me, there's an underlying force that pins everything you know and from which all is comprised, even your thoughts. It's the deity I acknowlege, in fact. I believe it's conscious by the simple reality of all the consciousness within it.
So okay, back to comfort. It's unhealthy. Living here is hard on my health in the following ways: freshies are poor quality from long unripe travel, and pricey. 8 months of the year my body is under strain from the assault of cold. I sit so much, it's comfy, you know? I need a damn treadmill to keep from getting crippled by the sitting! Oh in summer I get about fine, I like to move, but then this house, she has so much I have to do every day that I only get about 4 hours in which to go out and do anything! Normal people have up to 12 hours to disperse aside from chores and rest. All this comfort keeps it's caretaker very busy dong mundane things by the clock.
Ick. I'm sick of the clock. I did it for the parrots and I'm fed up with it, but the animals all now rely on the regularity.Speaking of which, time to feed the dogs.