ego fertilizer
I've been grocery shopping without a budget for some time now. For ages I'd gone with a list, calculator, and limit. Already I can't remember how. If I want something, I buy it. It results in till totals that require manager authorization. The only limit is I have to get it in my smart car. Or van, these days. But I detest using that hoopty so it usually means I have to fit everything in my car.
The point, however, is that being able to say "want" followed by "okay" with such frequency has an effect on the ego. It's fertilizer. The ego starts to get stronger. It starts to whisper words of entitlement. It whispers moral reassurances. It pets the conscience back to sleep and curls up next to your "want" center, gently blowing on the flames. It tells you anything is possible for you and you're a personally privileged person and whether you're deserving or not, you owe the gift your full attention and enjoyment! Well, it's not wrong, but it's not right either. Every now and then the ego takes a nap and you can see it, your world is not a healing one. Your lifestyle is not giving to the place you live, it's merely taking from it.
I'm a custodian, a caretaker. It's my primary geas, the thing that lights me up. To protect and preserve, to grow and cherish. It's a form of nurturing that assumes independance on the part of it's wards. A steward, I suppose. But these days my stewardship benefits few beyond me. The wildlife that uses my yard and the resulting benefit to my neighborhood is about it. The pets here are here at my behest and enjoyment, so that trade is balanced at best, and to hear Sam Greypants talk about it, still in the negative. Is the prisoner compensated because you feed him well and provide medical care? Does being gentle and kind spoken make up for the captivity?
Personally I think we'd do well to treat our prisoners the way we treat our parrots and they too might rehabilitate while imprisoned. It would certainly be more compassionate.
There's another thing. Compassion. I'm not exercising enough of it. My lofty height of satiety and razor-thin balance of credit/debt puts me in a singularily unsympathetic position vis a vis those humans in need. I don't think necessarily that means I need to give them money or not give them money, give anything or not, but I don't like the attitude I feel within. It comes from the fear. I have now so much to lose, I worry about losing it more than I pay attention to what's real and what matters. I'm better off with less to care for and protect because I am more open to others then. What's more, it'll take less energy to steward my demesnes and that will give me some time and energy to give away again. That's been bothering the hell out of me lately. I'm healthy again but I'm socially cut off to a degree that I see no way to fix it here. No commonality between me and those I meet frequently, and no proper frequency. I see any given person maybe twice a month for two minutes during a formal sales transaction. Other than Tom and Dan, that's it. I just don't leave this little kingdom for anything else anymore. It's too far, it's too cold, it's too late, I'm having a lovely time right here, what other excuses does one need?
I need to break that open, it's not good for me. I have a picture of who I am, and who I demand myself to be, and this is not taking me there. To iterate my self image strokes my ego too much so I'll pass. It seems to me that no matter who I see myself to be, or try to project to others, they'll believe what they want to see in me and assume the rest is false. So why try to tell them who I am? Just be it, and keep working on my self-education. They may never see it in me, and I surely am unlikely ever to be rewarded for it from them, but at this time in my life I already know i'm a happier person for forcing myself to a personality study plan.
It's funny really, I've got this autism thing. It can be described as a bad personality. I've been accused of much evil in my life and sometimes I'm left wondering if I'm that evil person and I've got myself fooled. It's extremely hard to discount that theory in this lifestyle. I'm not so sure the life of a privileged retiree in Victoria living on a sailing yacht, however small, will be so much more sanctified, LOL, but at least I won't be following whims around by the nose anymore.
Four furbies. I still love 'em, but I know that spending that much on furbies at the age of 50 just so I can have a party atmosphere is insane. I'd rather live a little closer to people maybe and get in on real parties? Or sit near and overhear them on the dock would be enough. Not these violent drunken flings with people losing their shit. The kind I remember as a kid where people just laughed a bit more and then started getting murmury and wandering quietly home. They'd start out with lots of happy gentle babble, a few strident voices telling tales, and then there'd be music, usually played live and accoustic by the revelers themselves. During this music period, which might last a couple hours, we children were quietly tucked into bed, already half asleep from the joy and the rocking boats. I would still hear, because I had insomnia even then, and as the music stuttered down the laughter would pick up. Women especially would be heard ringing across the water for a bit, usually not more than an hour before the aftershock giggles got quiet and the voices got low. Then the docks would shake a bit as people stepped out and wandered home to their respective spots. As my parents returned to and went to bed I would finally drop the rest of the way to sleep.
I loved being on the boat. Everyone was much more relaxed. I think it was the rhythm of the waves but it could just have been because it was away from home. If you live on it, does that effect vanish, or is it still a calming place?
Yah, so being able to say "I want that" and get it, that's ego fertilizer. The more and bigger the stuff you can do that with, the more and bigger it will fuel your ego.
Ego, what's that? Yeah, it's the toddler within. it's the little kid that works purely from emotion. You're supposed to keep him in his place. He informs you of your feelings, desires, etc. he's your emotional mind. Probably even lives in the amygdala which formed as a baby and contains your memories from before you reached the "age of reason." Around 5 we learn to reason and our cognitive functions come into play. That's when the active memory, the data drive, came on line.
So it's our duty to keep our reasoning mind in charge, but current culture and education do not foster it. We're living in an age of ego unlike anything seen before. We aren't constrained by cost, church, neighbor or family in our choices, our whims or abilities. Not as a society, however much many individuals have constraints. Even the least of us has enough to grow fat and clothes to wear. Most of us have free education and plumbing and electrical, plus a closet for our extra clothes and a bed in which to sleep. The sense of entitlement in the common man has never been stronger. Ego fertilizer. it's fracturing our social fabric. We're atomizing families into the minimum relationships needed to produce more citizens. We're stripping our responsibilities to neighbors and even employers down to the rules and laws made by others. We're offloading all sense of responsibility to job positions that attract selfish deceivers like shit attracts flies. They see the power that's attached, and dismiss the responsibility for which that power is granted. From the leaders to the 'man in the street' we've all gone so selfish we think anger justifies itself and might makes right.
This is the primary issue with giving in to ego, but there's others. Ego does not understand that it's emotions are not self-justified. Reason, if it's been stomped into submission, cannot stop the ego's control of the body, and so the person rages, eats, lazes about, and makes a drama scene quite readily. Remember, it's the toddler part of you. It'll act like a baby when it gets control of your body. It'll get control if you keep saying "yes" to it. You can't be afraid of the painful emotions it'll hurl at you, that's it's weapon! You have to take them like you take winter and a windy day at the bus stop. Like not slapping a 6wk old kitten for biting you, you must be bigger than your ego and parent yourself.
The point, however, is that being able to say "want" followed by "okay" with such frequency has an effect on the ego. It's fertilizer. The ego starts to get stronger. It starts to whisper words of entitlement. It whispers moral reassurances. It pets the conscience back to sleep and curls up next to your "want" center, gently blowing on the flames. It tells you anything is possible for you and you're a personally privileged person and whether you're deserving or not, you owe the gift your full attention and enjoyment! Well, it's not wrong, but it's not right either. Every now and then the ego takes a nap and you can see it, your world is not a healing one. Your lifestyle is not giving to the place you live, it's merely taking from it.
I'm a custodian, a caretaker. It's my primary geas, the thing that lights me up. To protect and preserve, to grow and cherish. It's a form of nurturing that assumes independance on the part of it's wards. A steward, I suppose. But these days my stewardship benefits few beyond me. The wildlife that uses my yard and the resulting benefit to my neighborhood is about it. The pets here are here at my behest and enjoyment, so that trade is balanced at best, and to hear Sam Greypants talk about it, still in the negative. Is the prisoner compensated because you feed him well and provide medical care? Does being gentle and kind spoken make up for the captivity?
Personally I think we'd do well to treat our prisoners the way we treat our parrots and they too might rehabilitate while imprisoned. It would certainly be more compassionate.
There's another thing. Compassion. I'm not exercising enough of it. My lofty height of satiety and razor-thin balance of credit/debt puts me in a singularily unsympathetic position vis a vis those humans in need. I don't think necessarily that means I need to give them money or not give them money, give anything or not, but I don't like the attitude I feel within. It comes from the fear. I have now so much to lose, I worry about losing it more than I pay attention to what's real and what matters. I'm better off with less to care for and protect because I am more open to others then. What's more, it'll take less energy to steward my demesnes and that will give me some time and energy to give away again. That's been bothering the hell out of me lately. I'm healthy again but I'm socially cut off to a degree that I see no way to fix it here. No commonality between me and those I meet frequently, and no proper frequency. I see any given person maybe twice a month for two minutes during a formal sales transaction. Other than Tom and Dan, that's it. I just don't leave this little kingdom for anything else anymore. It's too far, it's too cold, it's too late, I'm having a lovely time right here, what other excuses does one need?
I need to break that open, it's not good for me. I have a picture of who I am, and who I demand myself to be, and this is not taking me there. To iterate my self image strokes my ego too much so I'll pass. It seems to me that no matter who I see myself to be, or try to project to others, they'll believe what they want to see in me and assume the rest is false. So why try to tell them who I am? Just be it, and keep working on my self-education. They may never see it in me, and I surely am unlikely ever to be rewarded for it from them, but at this time in my life I already know i'm a happier person for forcing myself to a personality study plan.
It's funny really, I've got this autism thing. It can be described as a bad personality. I've been accused of much evil in my life and sometimes I'm left wondering if I'm that evil person and I've got myself fooled. It's extremely hard to discount that theory in this lifestyle. I'm not so sure the life of a privileged retiree in Victoria living on a sailing yacht, however small, will be so much more sanctified, LOL, but at least I won't be following whims around by the nose anymore.
Four furbies. I still love 'em, but I know that spending that much on furbies at the age of 50 just so I can have a party atmosphere is insane. I'd rather live a little closer to people maybe and get in on real parties? Or sit near and overhear them on the dock would be enough. Not these violent drunken flings with people losing their shit. The kind I remember as a kid where people just laughed a bit more and then started getting murmury and wandering quietly home. They'd start out with lots of happy gentle babble, a few strident voices telling tales, and then there'd be music, usually played live and accoustic by the revelers themselves. During this music period, which might last a couple hours, we children were quietly tucked into bed, already half asleep from the joy and the rocking boats. I would still hear, because I had insomnia even then, and as the music stuttered down the laughter would pick up. Women especially would be heard ringing across the water for a bit, usually not more than an hour before the aftershock giggles got quiet and the voices got low. Then the docks would shake a bit as people stepped out and wandered home to their respective spots. As my parents returned to and went to bed I would finally drop the rest of the way to sleep.
I loved being on the boat. Everyone was much more relaxed. I think it was the rhythm of the waves but it could just have been because it was away from home. If you live on it, does that effect vanish, or is it still a calming place?
Yah, so being able to say "I want that" and get it, that's ego fertilizer. The more and bigger the stuff you can do that with, the more and bigger it will fuel your ego.
Ego, what's that? Yeah, it's the toddler within. it's the little kid that works purely from emotion. You're supposed to keep him in his place. He informs you of your feelings, desires, etc. he's your emotional mind. Probably even lives in the amygdala which formed as a baby and contains your memories from before you reached the "age of reason." Around 5 we learn to reason and our cognitive functions come into play. That's when the active memory, the data drive, came on line.
So it's our duty to keep our reasoning mind in charge, but current culture and education do not foster it. We're living in an age of ego unlike anything seen before. We aren't constrained by cost, church, neighbor or family in our choices, our whims or abilities. Not as a society, however much many individuals have constraints. Even the least of us has enough to grow fat and clothes to wear. Most of us have free education and plumbing and electrical, plus a closet for our extra clothes and a bed in which to sleep. The sense of entitlement in the common man has never been stronger. Ego fertilizer. it's fracturing our social fabric. We're atomizing families into the minimum relationships needed to produce more citizens. We're stripping our responsibilities to neighbors and even employers down to the rules and laws made by others. We're offloading all sense of responsibility to job positions that attract selfish deceivers like shit attracts flies. They see the power that's attached, and dismiss the responsibility for which that power is granted. From the leaders to the 'man in the street' we've all gone so selfish we think anger justifies itself and might makes right.
This is the primary issue with giving in to ego, but there's others. Ego does not understand that it's emotions are not self-justified. Reason, if it's been stomped into submission, cannot stop the ego's control of the body, and so the person rages, eats, lazes about, and makes a drama scene quite readily. Remember, it's the toddler part of you. It'll act like a baby when it gets control of your body. It'll get control if you keep saying "yes" to it. You can't be afraid of the painful emotions it'll hurl at you, that's it's weapon! You have to take them like you take winter and a windy day at the bus stop. Like not slapping a 6wk old kitten for biting you, you must be bigger than your ego and parent yourself.