anxiety is mine

I keep noodling around on this problem of being perceived as a braggart.  I do not understand what is triggering it, just to be clear.  See, I do not know how to inform people of the services I have to offer without telling them, but in the act of telling them, they decide I am dishonest about it.  I try hard to communicate that I am not all that and a bag of chips at everything, that I am there to be useful, not great.  I respond to correction with a willing heart and proceed with intention and good cheer. I try and work independantly to free up the mind of the supervisor without forgetting to check in and see that I'm still going in the right direction.

So what am I doing wrong? 

Sometimes I wonder if I actually am extraordinary but unaware of it, so as I describe my normal little self I sound like describing someone extraordinary.

I mean, yeah, I have been clearly informed I am not ordinary. Therefor, extraordinary.   But still, why do I sound like I'm bragging? 

Well the resume should help when it's crafted.  By showing the progression of my arts experiences it will help legitimize the scope. Which is what I think confuses people.  I am quite the generalist.  Not having had full time employment in my way.  Not having children.  Not having social interferences like family dinners, church events, etc.  All this contributed to a lot more learning than an average person would do.  That's how I spent the copious amounts of spare time that my solitude offered.

I don't know what people think I'm doing day in and day out, but it's always been the exploration of the next cheap or free art media.  I even have pine needles so if I run out of materials, maybe I will try pine needle weaving. LOL

So that causes me to have a lot of media under my hat.  I enjoyed every exploration and have included them in my work since.

Somehow, I need to include that in my resume. Why I have so much scope.

The resume is grinding along.  It's a weighty job.  It took me several hours to sort out pictures for a portfolio and it still feels skint af.  The text is loosely categorized but needs a ton of tweaking and shifting, then has to be formatted for reading ease.  

then tweaked again of course.  

Currently I'm doing this at the employment place on their computers.  I just don't want to spend the electricity here. Solar barely keeps up with my phone needs this time of year.

That place has this terrible buzz to the lighting that's half human conversation, 45 decibels, and rough in sound profile. Like a saw on one's nerves.  I wore headphones and the sound isolation was almost as distracting. 

Turns out if I plug in headphones, available at the desk, I can probably hear narration that ties things together way more than just reading agonizingly slow text and graphics on a mute screen. 

Even so I'm doing pretty good.  section 23 and 4 errors so far.  Today's were because I didn't watch the previous video recently enough and skipped rewatching it.  It's that boring.  Sound is definitely going to help.  I started imagining narration a bit and could see it would make sense.

I got contacted by a medical clinic.  I popped by to see them for the form they sent, so I could fill it in paper. I will go back tomorrow. It's kind of the extreme end of my comfort for biking. Just a little farther, but not impossible.  I won't use the car because it's not far enough to recharge the starter battery and also parking there is a bear.  So then I have to return and get the car to go up to the laundromat, checking my mail on the way so taking a fairly  inefficient route as the mailbox is the wrong direction.  I won't need to keep checking much longer.  Once the package of beads from india gets here it's a dead box and I return the key.  then I have a new box up where I do laundry, a few blocks down.  Much more centralized for me.  Pity the place has been so heavily gentrified and stratified, no cool shops I could use as a workshop along there.  that is either here in this area or possibly in other pockets close to warf access roads.

I did find a mechanic willing to take on my brakes and possibly the rest of my bus.  It's just a few blocks and he's compassionate so helping me keep housed is his good deed.  He still gets his hourly rate, I pay for parts, and there's no extras tacked on.  Works for me. I pay cash, he will appreciate that.

Ohhh, the egg nog is affecting my belly.  If I drink enough dairy, I get belly rolling and subsquent flushing. 

It's unpleasant but for me, a good thing ultimately.  It's why I still drink any dairy.  I LOVE egg nog anyway.  I'll get sick for that stuff, yep.  I put it in my coffee and I put it in my tea, I drink it all down and then it's inside me. 

I spent $80 and got about 10-14 days of food in the bus plus a meat feast for me, dan, and the dogs.  Store had a special deal of packages all pricedbetween 7 and 10 bucks, as 4 for 20.  Like yeah, five bucks each? I know protien can be stored and used out over time and we are all starved for fresh meat.  It was yummy with a can of V8 and herbs and ghee and rice.

Well, so, I really wish I could suss out if Linda is like that with everyione?  Does she mean what she says? Is she quietly mocking me? I mean, the singing praise was pure snowjob. I sing badly yet for a brief time they had me thinking I maybe sound okay. 

when I checked with a recording and verified that I sound worse than I thought?  Well, WTF all the compliments?  Like big ones.  You'd have thought they were suggesting broadway. Linda leading the charge.

Hence why I suspect I'm the clown of the day again. I don't sing there in front them anymore.  I don't care if they overhear me, but I am not directly subjecting them to it.

So where does that leave my work? What's my opinion? It's good. Solid.  Nothing  extreme, I could probably do with a little more experience,  but the fundamentals are there and I can be trusted to create a good enough result for the work being done. I do not know if I  AM being so trusted, mind you. Well then again, maybe this is what that looks like. I'm freehanding the giant wall backing the entire stage. everyone else is using rulers and colouring between the lines.  Does that mean something?  Feels like it does. 

Well I would like to slip sideways into props and costume. I feel like I want more experience there, and that it's something I"d like to be doing mroe of going forward.  From there, I can also observe at a distance these women with whom I've been working. just kind of back up a bit and gather intel.

To that end, I embroidered a dozen "glass slippers" which really are just glassy blue with sparkles and light spots in the right spots. Each is different, all shaped from shoes from history which in their time might have been the choice of slipper for cinderella.

then I mounted these brooches, having cardboard and felt backing stitched on, were attacheed to watercolor cards with a rough sketch of the bridge, glow in the dark stars and moon and reflections and city, and hand lettered wording in japanese ink. I used some watercolor but mostly the ink and the colors were grey anyway.

Sometimes it looks ugly to me. Rough or sloppy or crude.  

But they made me laugh as they were born. Each one so cute to me, like babies. the cards made me smile as I saw the scene moving and shifting in the painting.

which is truth? Well, there's no such thing.

How do I get others to see what I see instead of me seeing what they see?

That.  that is the salient question on which to ponder. The magic to learn.

How do I get them to see through my eyes instead of the ugliness I see through theirs? Is it just a case of finding people with the same sight?  Is it that I was exposed so often to nasty people? Some folks think everyone is nasty, secretly if not obviously. 

I just don't want to rest in that belief. 

truth is mutable. 

All the same, yes, times are scary.  I am focusing on here and now and me. If i can get strong, I have something to offer to the community.  if the community is strong, it can offer something to the city. If the cities are strong, they can hold up the province.  if the province is strong, it can help the rest of the country. and so it goes. So, me now,  like eating before I feed the dogs or peeing before I walk them. I can do much better at giving if I am not depleted myself.

Dan showed me his employer's house. 1% indeed.  Landlord.  Fancy house. *sigh.*  I'm glad he's paying dan and he's not paying dan good money for local wages but for dan, it's amazing money.  Dan's still on saskatchewan rates in his head and that's  much lower. They pay crap out there even though the basic staple foods are more and the rent is as bad as here and yet, somehow, everyone thinks it's better out there?  Heck no. Unless you have an insane metabolism and can't keep cool.

dogs: I got a free chihuahua.  Yup, free dog.  She very much needed a better home as much as I desperately needed a cute little teddy bear dog and it's been divine. I'm sleeping again. It's partly the things I'm doing against POTS but definitely relates to having  a tiny cute thing to look at when I need cheering up.  Rene frowns when I'm down and it makes me worse.  The new dog has a lip deformity that makes her seem to hold a warner brother's cartoon smile with her tongue always out. Then she has white around her eyes and nose, like the warner brothers did those 4 80s characters, only she's redheaded. But she's so cartoonishly cute and silly and smiley that it starts lifting my spirits. then she has all the antics down pat and starts rolling and wriggling and giggling, i just calm right down.

So she rescued me, and I saved her life.Rene is handling it, but I have to be mindful or she gets jealous.  Occasionally she forgets herself and just grooves on the genuine niceness of having a soft fluffy gentle mini dog companion around.  I mean, this wee thing is exactly the right size for a teddy bear for rene and that hairless dog can feel how soft the fur is.   When the little one sneaks up into her lap, it's so nice, she pretends she isn't mad about it just to enjoy.

I think it'll be okay, if not cuddly, and  might be cuddly in time. 

Freddy Canary seems to be holding his cheer. I should find time to take him out some sunny day soon, but he seemsto understand the seasons better this year.

Yeah, ok, thanks for hearing me.  I could definitely ramble all night today but there's a groovy video on and after all, battery power is precious these days.

I want a shop with a storefront and roomfor the bus out back.  Paint, welding and grinding, woodworking, textiles and 3d printing.  Alllll of it!!!