the more things change, the more they stay the same.

 Oh boy what a spring. What a year. What a decade.  

Feeling pretty low today.  I was up, really up.  I was running and smiling and moving like a dynamo, happy to greet and meet.  

I think I have discussed the financials and causes.  

I moved into the local campground for a month.  People were friendly, the place is safe and quiet, and I made an effort to make friends with the neighbors.  A skoolie even came in and we hit it off like old buds.

At first.

I am brave enough to make the initiation moves and I do, and I try to be polite, but to get to someone's door, you have to invade their outdoor campground.  So was that my crime?  Is there a timeline of days, not hours, between contact? Was it my conversation?  Something I told them about myself?

Well I don't frankly intend to try and find out because this is how it has always been. I froze out two couples in less than two days, just being approachable, friendly, enthusiastic. Being on my best behaviour, my best self.  The skoolie even put in for a change of locatin, long aftert I had ceased to intiate.  I had felt put off or maybe off putting so I backed off. Same as next door.  Next door now is studiously silent towards me instead of saying hi when I'm in view. 

It puts me in such a mental loop, though.  I get panic attacks wondering how I'm going to make it in a frozen world of hate.  I mean the skoolie guy wasn't even a likeable person.  I was making an effort.  

No, losing these people doesn't mean squat and I didn't expect a lot, although the skoolie guy presented pretty good at first look. But let's face it, for no other reason than freezing out someone over something that person doesn't know and can't guess is pretty terrible behaviour.  frankly canadians are terrible people. They *seem* so friendly, but you better GTFO in short order because they do not mean it.

I genuinely do not see what is so terrible about me. I've seen worse personalities get work and social lives.  I have spent quite enough time plumbing the depths of my psyche to know what they say about me is entirely misconceived.  However, I have also been alive long enough to know they're all like that.  It's their intolerance and judgement, but my problem.  Except I don't mind my own company.

I do try and remind myself that some probably high percentage of failed meets is likely typical for everyone.  This is where having a therapist to tell me some stat would feel better.  But let's make up one, then, shall we?  Let's say 95% of all meets ends in dislike if pursued too far. 

Let's say my own willingness to be tolerant, and loving, and to assume the best in others, leads me to pursuing it too far. I haven't gotten the hint.  Which, frankly, shouldn't be a hint. Why hint?  "I don't want to continue knowing you" is going to sting if they take the hint, or when you deliver it more bluntly, but you'll be angrier at the latter point and deliver it much less kindly.

Anyway, the point is, I get this everywhere.

I get this with jobs.  I get this with volunteering.  I've been complained that I'm too cheerful, or too negative.  I talk too much. I don't talk enough.  I'm just weird.  I just don't fit in. What the hell do you do with that?   Of course my life situation does exacerbate things and people now sieze upon some facet of me they've learned and say that's the problem. I'm queer.  i'm not a good christian. I'm not a parent. I'm unemployed.  And the list never ends.

Expectations are the root of all suffering.  when I met these people they seemed to have interesting things in common and I thought we'd get along.  That was the unmet expectation.

However, I really must stop. I need to stop sharing my interestingness if I can, so they stop pestering me about stupid crap.  If I can, keep moving with a smile and a nod.  Because if I stop to talk about all the interesting things, I'll lose yet another friend. Instead, they can stay a friendly stranger.

I don't even want to understand anymore, it's too hurtful every time.  It's my best self being dragged through someone else's mud.

And, I mean, half the time I sit there listening to bullshit, quickly smelling it, and smiling and rolling with their truth anyway because they've got qualities worth knowing, don't they? Don't we all? 

But then I am telling my truths and being rejected?

I cannot see how this makes me the terrible person, but I do wear that sign. At least the park staff are still smiling at me.  If I can studiously avoid conversations for the next three weeks I might not get kicked out. But Dan keeps coming over and shouting offensive crap and starting arguments, so I don't know, that could definitely screw me up.