Divorce can be a joyful thing.

I finished filing the divorce papers.  It's all done and they'll mail the certificates back to us. I clicked my heels with joy when I left the court clerk. 

I'm really focusing on the good things about being single again.  It's not that there's nothing that worries me, but that I want to be joyful so I'm making an effort.  And it's not hard when I have been so very miserable for far too long. I honestly don't think I've been miserable because of bad mental habits.  Rather, being sick of cancer, and being subtly emotionally abused is to blame.  I'm sure I can find quiet joy and I know I have before.  It's always been outside pressures that made me miserable.

One improvement is feeling like I can defend my use of social income much better now than I could as a youth.  I also recognize for myself that I was always disabled.  I'm just more so now, enough not to get arguments back.

Dan seems to actually have something lined up, but as he hasn't written down the address, paid the guy, or even gone over to look, one can't be sure he'll actually go.  I will not miss this jerk's unpredictability.

I have been thinking pretty deeply about selling the bus. It's genuinely too much vehicle for me.  I'm going to strip the fancy stuff out, leave it with 30a service and insulated floor and walls, and rough back room. Let the seller take it from there as they please.  the diesel heater will work well in the teardrop and I"m going to put my energy into making that a more comfortable space.  I have a little window for it too. I'll miss this space that's sheltered me and given me peace.  However, perhaps I can get a van if I wish hard enough, and put the stove in that.  The car and teardrop, however, might be sufficient if I can design a lightweight awning or something.  Rain is it's biggest weakness as the kitchen is accessed outside and you know everywhere I want to go is raining. 

A van would let me travel to bc at christmas and that's what I want most. A van like the one Dan has, or a diesel sprinter, like that. Or I guess a camper would work too. The more efficient, the better, of course,so I am not wishing for a 1975 v8, you know?

I've been dressing up lately.  Frankly, I always wanted to dress like this. Jacket, shirt, tie, slacks, chosen colours and some accessories. Not GQ but put together. But as a man. Women's cloting had a lovely variety but I always really did want to wear menswear.  And now I do. And I put on a tie and put in my tie pin and don't go out without my hat. 

Well, turns out people appreciate when you make an effort to dress well for conducting business.  I don't always dress for shopping, but for business type stuff, I really do put on a tie. I might be a customer, but it's an opportunity!  Now that I like my clothes, anyway.  At first all I had were polyester ties from the thrift store and try as hard as I might, I did not like them. Now I wear hand knitted from homespun ties with pride.

Well, I get compliments!  Here's another weird one, my old pink bike stopped getting much compliments after about age 10. She wasn't unique anymore for one thing.  I dunno, maybe she was dirty or tired?  Well I covered her in acid green duck tape to hide the pink paint and kept riding.I assumed people would tease me for it because it's a step-through, or becuase it's a duck tape bike, but nope, They shout compliments at me.Feels good, I'm nearly 60 and strangers are saying nice things as I whizz by. Hehe,  it'll be a devil to remove when the duck tape fails but it sure was a fast and easy colour change.The bike shop named her Miss Piggy because the pink showing through and it's hilarous so I've kept it. she IS a diva, after all. But not a difficult diva, a gracious one. Largerr than life, impossible strong presence, absolutely perfect performance, and up to even the most difficult jobs.I've hauled weight, jumped curbs, dodged holes, outrun muggers,put her through winter cycling, and all through she just keeps flying with the grace of a swan.

See, here's where the guilt was planted by Dan, because he bought that fine bike for me.  Then I start thinking about all the gains I have, the new tools, the new car, and then I remember that a ton of these things are still owed on the house mortgage and in fact were never paid for. I mentioned that to Dan and I think it really slapped him in the midbrain to realize he hadn't actually bought me all these things, but rather mortgaged my house to buy them.  

Well I don't think acting out of anger is right, and I do think even the most dispicable among us havea basic right to decency, so I keep winding up this weird place of being civil and casual while seething with annoyance and bursting out with rudeness easily when offended. Dan for his part seems in a pleasing mode for now. I really wonder how he's going to fare as time passes. Will he start drinking again? Will his anger eat him up inside and make him lash out? He's close.  I mean, I don't think he's the mass shooter type, but go pick a fight and get himself stabbed is something he's already done.

I need to book a locksmith, I guess.  As of monday, have the house locks changed but not the gate locks.So he can come in and access his shed but not my house. I should have done that today.

I keep wondering if I can sneak the house key off his keyring instead. So much cheaper. Tomorrow while he's at work I can collect any around the house, then work out how to remove the last one.Because I'm home now until then. If I have all the house keys, that's good enough. I know he's too scatterbrained to have a copy.

Ok, I got a lot of chatter done, feels good.