isolation
This pandemic isolation thing hasn't really done that much to my life. More media and interaction online, less complaining that I write too much. All good for me. It's easier to get stuff too with less human interaction, and that's lovely. I always feel so stressed after dealing with people. I sit and agonize over what I said and how I said it and how weird I was the whole time.
It ain't fun. So having things put on the sidewalk at the curb, they back away and I'm free to go? Yes please. Everyone's eager to find ways to serve poeple without face to face. Which was always something that felt forced on me. I go to the store and i know the clerk needs me to be nice. I've read about it. They need it. So I'm forced to look in their faces and smile and say something pleasant. Which all too often turns into a run on conversation and I just can't stop or monitor what I'm saying. Just trying so hard to make them laugh and feel happy so they'll not have bad feelings about me.
I do enjoy the laughter of the moment, but not the entire thing.
Well I also want to stop trying to make friends with people. Seems I'm not nice enough for nice people and I am sick and tired of navigating some bully's weird game map trying to find the straightest route through to their personality.
Had another ghost from the past ring me up on the phone. For five years I've thought she was tremendously ill, on the verge of death. Not sure why, but oh well I guess she had more pain than she was willing to tolerate or something and would rather be helpless than feel pain? Well now she fixed it and someone gave her keys ot a cabin at an old hippy housing co-op in the bush. Cool place, legendary really, but everyone's dying off and the kids don't need the retreat. It did it's job, it raised nice people who have grown up and bought their own places and become nice parents in their own right, and artists who are pursuing their craft in the city. So I know what this co-op is probably like. It's been twenty five years since the center pin died and the thing kind of stalled right out. I wasn't heavily involved but knew about everyone there. I suppose me living out there maybe would have been a cool thing, but I don't think so. The few times I was out there I was assumed to have and required to have a far more social nature. I remember bringing a dozen eggs so I could have an egg breakfast. I didn't mind giving ten eggs when I only ate 2 but I had eggs every morning for breakfast. We were sleeping in our van. Nobody woke us and when I did awake there was no food left for breakfast. literally nothing. My eggs were happily chowed down by others.
We drove to town for tim horton's and I never went back there again.
So anyway, that was BEFORE the organizing dude who kept it all going died. After that it's been more or less a rural HOA with some more or less abandoned cabins. I mean they weren't built all that solid to begin with. Hippy construction with tons of the cheapest crap you can find built by amateurs.
Well. one of these cabins has been gifted to the ghost. She's got the key. I was like "huh, so someone could move up there and live." "Yes, oh, well, I mean it would have to be approved by the co-op (HOA)" In other words, fat chance, this is not that kind of thing. But I hear the "opportunity" behind the topic. I'm not even slightly interested in a cabin of any quality in the woods though. I've got a bus to work on. Then it's going to take me to many woods and if I don't like having neighbors, other woods.
Well she never did exactly ask what she said she had to ask because it was quickly apparent there'd be no point. Instead she cocked up some BS about a sister maybe wanting to buy my boxes. And now said sister about whom I've never heard is following my social media. And concerned about me. and thinks I'm doing dangerous things. And hold it right there, no thank you, we aren't having this discussion. I'm not the least bit interested in what someone who has a mere glimpse of the situation thinks. I'm perfectly capable of doing my own checking and testing and research.
Frankly I gave her an earful about meddling narcissists and then went on to explain that my social media wasn't going to be providing nearly as much ammo now. That I'd "done a kon marie" on my friends list, etc.
Well I'm sorry I even answered the phone. Really. Told her far more than she deserves and frankly all she wanted to was to coax me and my spouse to go up to her cabin on the regular to fix it up and do maintenance. I wasn't born yesterday. Thing is, for a friend I would actually do that. But a friend is someone who's invested back in you. To whatever degree they could. Time. Money. support. Food. Company. Something. She's never put a flipping second into me. She has let me down and flaked out every single opportunity. 37 years she's had to earn my friendship and it was there for her the whole time and she hasn't been worthy.
So yeah, I'm just slicing and dicing my relationships and it feels GOOD. I'm not afraid of being lonely. I'm getting over my fear of having no help by realizing I haven't any anyway and that's why I'm giving up on my friends. Friends help. Acquaintances dont. Ergo, they're all acquaintances. Because otherwise they'd have shown up to put a day into my dream to help me get there. I sure as hell have done that for others. I've been put out helping others. I've given more than I should have helping others. Because I assumed I was in a world where that was how it worked and I'd likewise have support when I needed it.
LOL Everyone's always busy.
One time I tried spare changing to get my dog's teeth fixed. Ten bucks here and there and we'd have had it. As it was the poor guy had to suffer in pain another three months while we struggled to save up just half the cost so the vet would finance the rest. Which also put us out terribly the following three months.
We haven't been able to catch up on anything for years now. my teeth are bad. I haven't had enough almond flour for bars in two years now. Stupid shit like that. Things break and can't be fixed or replaced. materials run out and can't be resupplied.
So well I don't see much value in people these days. I can see what they're capable of but have no reason to think it's coming my way.
That is the hurtful part. What's so damn different about me? I feel like the dog who didn't get a cookie.
It ain't fun. So having things put on the sidewalk at the curb, they back away and I'm free to go? Yes please. Everyone's eager to find ways to serve poeple without face to face. Which was always something that felt forced on me. I go to the store and i know the clerk needs me to be nice. I've read about it. They need it. So I'm forced to look in their faces and smile and say something pleasant. Which all too often turns into a run on conversation and I just can't stop or monitor what I'm saying. Just trying so hard to make them laugh and feel happy so they'll not have bad feelings about me.
I do enjoy the laughter of the moment, but not the entire thing.
Well I also want to stop trying to make friends with people. Seems I'm not nice enough for nice people and I am sick and tired of navigating some bully's weird game map trying to find the straightest route through to their personality.
Had another ghost from the past ring me up on the phone. For five years I've thought she was tremendously ill, on the verge of death. Not sure why, but oh well I guess she had more pain than she was willing to tolerate or something and would rather be helpless than feel pain? Well now she fixed it and someone gave her keys ot a cabin at an old hippy housing co-op in the bush. Cool place, legendary really, but everyone's dying off and the kids don't need the retreat. It did it's job, it raised nice people who have grown up and bought their own places and become nice parents in their own right, and artists who are pursuing their craft in the city. So I know what this co-op is probably like. It's been twenty five years since the center pin died and the thing kind of stalled right out. I wasn't heavily involved but knew about everyone there. I suppose me living out there maybe would have been a cool thing, but I don't think so. The few times I was out there I was assumed to have and required to have a far more social nature. I remember bringing a dozen eggs so I could have an egg breakfast. I didn't mind giving ten eggs when I only ate 2 but I had eggs every morning for breakfast. We were sleeping in our van. Nobody woke us and when I did awake there was no food left for breakfast. literally nothing. My eggs were happily chowed down by others.
We drove to town for tim horton's and I never went back there again.
So anyway, that was BEFORE the organizing dude who kept it all going died. After that it's been more or less a rural HOA with some more or less abandoned cabins. I mean they weren't built all that solid to begin with. Hippy construction with tons of the cheapest crap you can find built by amateurs.
Well. one of these cabins has been gifted to the ghost. She's got the key. I was like "huh, so someone could move up there and live." "Yes, oh, well, I mean it would have to be approved by the co-op (HOA)" In other words, fat chance, this is not that kind of thing. But I hear the "opportunity" behind the topic. I'm not even slightly interested in a cabin of any quality in the woods though. I've got a bus to work on. Then it's going to take me to many woods and if I don't like having neighbors, other woods.
Well she never did exactly ask what she said she had to ask because it was quickly apparent there'd be no point. Instead she cocked up some BS about a sister maybe wanting to buy my boxes. And now said sister about whom I've never heard is following my social media. And concerned about me. and thinks I'm doing dangerous things. And hold it right there, no thank you, we aren't having this discussion. I'm not the least bit interested in what someone who has a mere glimpse of the situation thinks. I'm perfectly capable of doing my own checking and testing and research.
Frankly I gave her an earful about meddling narcissists and then went on to explain that my social media wasn't going to be providing nearly as much ammo now. That I'd "done a kon marie" on my friends list, etc.
Well I'm sorry I even answered the phone. Really. Told her far more than she deserves and frankly all she wanted to was to coax me and my spouse to go up to her cabin on the regular to fix it up and do maintenance. I wasn't born yesterday. Thing is, for a friend I would actually do that. But a friend is someone who's invested back in you. To whatever degree they could. Time. Money. support. Food. Company. Something. She's never put a flipping second into me. She has let me down and flaked out every single opportunity. 37 years she's had to earn my friendship and it was there for her the whole time and she hasn't been worthy.
So yeah, I'm just slicing and dicing my relationships and it feels GOOD. I'm not afraid of being lonely. I'm getting over my fear of having no help by realizing I haven't any anyway and that's why I'm giving up on my friends. Friends help. Acquaintances dont. Ergo, they're all acquaintances. Because otherwise they'd have shown up to put a day into my dream to help me get there. I sure as hell have done that for others. I've been put out helping others. I've given more than I should have helping others. Because I assumed I was in a world where that was how it worked and I'd likewise have support when I needed it.
LOL Everyone's always busy.
One time I tried spare changing to get my dog's teeth fixed. Ten bucks here and there and we'd have had it. As it was the poor guy had to suffer in pain another three months while we struggled to save up just half the cost so the vet would finance the rest. Which also put us out terribly the following three months.
We haven't been able to catch up on anything for years now. my teeth are bad. I haven't had enough almond flour for bars in two years now. Stupid shit like that. Things break and can't be fixed or replaced. materials run out and can't be resupplied.
So well I don't see much value in people these days. I can see what they're capable of but have no reason to think it's coming my way.
That is the hurtful part. What's so damn different about me? I feel like the dog who didn't get a cookie.