health crisis again. That's old age!
Yep, I'm now at that age where I'm having health issues and it's annoying. Very. I had to go to ER after 24 hours of vomiting. Because of an "adhesion" point on my bowel I can get blocked by too much of the wrong stuff and not enough of the right. It'sa formula. I'm not far off the thing so it's a tuning issue and discipline issue rather than an education issue. but monday night to thursday night in a very crowded ward full of friendly talkative people mixed with utterly miserable people have left me emotionally paid out. But now I can't stop running at the mouth. I want to tell about so much and I want to think aloud. Most of the time with people I've been thinking super hard trying to remember to throw the conversation back at them and to hear what they're talking about and make the right faces at them. I haven't a clue what body language I'm using, that's past my line of ability, LOL I know I use it, but not how or what it says. Pure emotional expression there. Well I only directly offended one person and he felt sorry about it by the end because I was doing everything i could remember to try and be likeable and generous and comforting. Especially comforting. I just wanted to give. I wanted to feel valuable. LOL When they shuttled me over to the other hospital for the test today I felt like a king on his parade chair. LOL I was in a wheel chair and other people pushing it. It was somewhat spoiled by a splitting headache but then the headache was offset by the pleasure. So there ya go. Frankly if I didn't feel so shit I would have felt like an asshole anyway. "today was the mondayest thursday ever" --Quoting Diane, the only person there who had a clue and was also cheerful to push me where I had to go.
i still do feel like shit, but not dying shit, malfunctioning shit, and I know the repair work I need to do. They got me from the brink in there with IV fluids and rest and kindness. The ward was generally super kind. Most of the time I felt so overwhelmed by the generosity I tried like hell to ask as little as I could. I was always happy to chat with anyone who wanted. I didn't complain about things. I tried to joke and to sympathize. I'm blown out now. Oh and this morning I attended a smudge circle. I had no idea it was the same thing I'd learned as a talking circle. I'm grateful it was small because two people each talked for over a half an hour. We were in there 2 hours so the two maybe went close to an hour. Everyone else kept it fairly brief. I had to pee so hard. But somehow the smudge and my headache made me want the harder to listen. Or maybe my token whiteness did it. There were only two inpatients, me, and a guy in wheel chair who did not use english. As he's first nations I cannot say if he knew how or not. Some of them actually never learned because they're around their own language. I listened as hard as I could anyway. Didn't understand a word but I tried to understand the message. Not sure if I did. Was it "life's hard but I"m grateful to be here" or "life has been hard but I'm glad it's changing now" or ? When it was time for hugging our way out of the circle he was being very polite to touch my hand. I could tell he was being very polite to me to kindly disregard my odious presence and hide his trauma induced dislike. I get it. there's cultures that have traumatize me enough to feel a milder dislike. So I could understand the struggle he had and that if he did have english skills he chose to keep me out of the loop. Everyone else understood him but me and that's ok too. I was invasive in his healing space and only my careful courtesy saved me. I've been in these spaces before with people much more able to reach across the line and teach the invaders to be people. I think I acquitted myself well for a barbarian. See, I think of myself as a shaman, but I cannot call myself a first nations shaman, that is an earned title. Any tradition except witchcraft I can't. That's where I put in my credentials. Well anyway, I grew up here, in these winds, under this sky, on turtle island. I may be an invader person but I'm also a native canadian. Don't you think the spirits of the land can speak to us if they wish? I know most of the invaders don't listen but that is their culture. I listened and never stopped listening. I hear it.
Oh and wednesday afternoon I was heading home on a day pass and got in the elevator (shouldn't have but I didn't clue in soon enough) and a family where there comforting their mother on the death of her mother. She was crying into a phone explaining the things she now had to do as executor and it was so painfully sad. I realized as the doors closed and kept my beak shut and flashed what I thought must look like a sympathetic look, then turned and took my gaze off them. I had a quick look at one handsome lad who seemed least affected, wondered if he was part of the group. He seemed like part, but apart. Well anyway that was weird. Then the sobbing here or the screaming there or the moaning or coughing in the other place. The place is filled with sounds of misery. It's like walking through hell, really, with trapped angels trying to keep it together and minister to the damned. And I'm so fucking psychic I hear it all. One couple were battling in the washroom and the shuttle driver pushing my wheel chair started getting involved as a figure of authority. My psychic senses knew it was mostly bluster, and my self care senses knew this was utterly not ok. I had to tell her three times to just go report it at security because I couldn't handle being around that. Like dogs in a pack, for crying out loud. We left as the security guard was heading back there.
Sometimes you just have to pass on the chance to be a hero. In this case she was already being one to me.
Oh but all the psychic energy. It feels like I have the flu and a migraine all at once. I cried when he lit the smudge circle. Quietly, just tears, but I cried as soon as the smell hit my nose. it's been too long. I need to smudge more. I've also neglected my spirit. I've neglected everything except art and housekeeping. work life balance? If I hope to make it to road tripping I simply must solve these problems. I may not kill myself but I could disable myself pretty badly.
I wanted to talk about the amazing opportunity to participate in a new tech for bowel issues, a method of ultrasound. I got to watch the screen and the doctor taught me as he went. Nothing I love better than an educated person teaching me about tech. I've learned that I have an adhesion and radiation damage to my kidneys. I wouldn't be surprised to learn chemo is involved too. I'm frustrated that I never learned about the possibility of kidney damage. I googled, talked, asked and listened (in my own way). But maybe I was just too sick to hear and understand when that talk went through. I hardly remember much from that time, although the clinic time is posted on my memory like pics on a fridge.
So this guy is one of only 5 in canada and he's just chuffed to get to be the expert in his field. He is polish and lived in italy and germany learning this method. it takes a specially built system to do the ultrasound and training to use it. It looked like learning to use it wouldn't give a health professional a lot of trouble. He was pleased to be able to add the data of a post operative patient with cancer and radiation damage to his collection. Mostly he just works with bowel disorders like colitis and crohns and IBD, mostly in the presurgical state advising on surgery. He also leans to non-interference whereever possible, my favorite POV in health care. Try and get the natural system to do the job whenever you can or you could screw that system up so bad it starts malfunctioning and hurting you. But I did persist in eating chocolates and cakes and marshmallows and cotton candy. Not sure what about the CC. I should consider rehoming it. This long four day juice fast has nicely reset my sugar addiction. Now to stay off the stuff.
I think I've talked it out. What a fucking endurance this was. I hope I sleep tonight. I think i will. Probably crash. Oh and dilaudid works on me. Good to know. Oh god, I have so much kidney knowlege to research. I know like next to nothing beyond the school study stuff. Anatomy and function in university biology. I know that stuff. But the chemistry and the healing and the gentling and "kidney care" is going to take me awhile to learn and process! As usual I doubt I can use the existing pros since they generally lean towards playing chemistry set instead of biology harmonization. They fix after the fact more than prevent. Seriously, every time you will get "eat better, lose weight, get more exercise" and that is as detailed as you'll get. Ask a herbalist or a hippy or a wholistic practitioner and you'll be buying and swallowing 10x as much pills and supplements and placebo treatments as you are trying to avoid. I know what I need to know to figure this out and I may be one of few in the world doing so from this POV. IE western health care and science. But I'm not a scientist. Scientists keep better data records. Frankly that's what I was tripping up on as much as the math if not more. They want me to keep a food log. I will try via fitbit. I will. I just couldn't promise because I know how shit I am at it. I should go to bed now.
i still do feel like shit, but not dying shit, malfunctioning shit, and I know the repair work I need to do. They got me from the brink in there with IV fluids and rest and kindness. The ward was generally super kind. Most of the time I felt so overwhelmed by the generosity I tried like hell to ask as little as I could. I was always happy to chat with anyone who wanted. I didn't complain about things. I tried to joke and to sympathize. I'm blown out now. Oh and this morning I attended a smudge circle. I had no idea it was the same thing I'd learned as a talking circle. I'm grateful it was small because two people each talked for over a half an hour. We were in there 2 hours so the two maybe went close to an hour. Everyone else kept it fairly brief. I had to pee so hard. But somehow the smudge and my headache made me want the harder to listen. Or maybe my token whiteness did it. There were only two inpatients, me, and a guy in wheel chair who did not use english. As he's first nations I cannot say if he knew how or not. Some of them actually never learned because they're around their own language. I listened as hard as I could anyway. Didn't understand a word but I tried to understand the message. Not sure if I did. Was it "life's hard but I"m grateful to be here" or "life has been hard but I'm glad it's changing now" or ? When it was time for hugging our way out of the circle he was being very polite to touch my hand. I could tell he was being very polite to me to kindly disregard my odious presence and hide his trauma induced dislike. I get it. there's cultures that have traumatize me enough to feel a milder dislike. So I could understand the struggle he had and that if he did have english skills he chose to keep me out of the loop. Everyone else understood him but me and that's ok too. I was invasive in his healing space and only my careful courtesy saved me. I've been in these spaces before with people much more able to reach across the line and teach the invaders to be people. I think I acquitted myself well for a barbarian. See, I think of myself as a shaman, but I cannot call myself a first nations shaman, that is an earned title. Any tradition except witchcraft I can't. That's where I put in my credentials. Well anyway, I grew up here, in these winds, under this sky, on turtle island. I may be an invader person but I'm also a native canadian. Don't you think the spirits of the land can speak to us if they wish? I know most of the invaders don't listen but that is their culture. I listened and never stopped listening. I hear it.
Oh and wednesday afternoon I was heading home on a day pass and got in the elevator (shouldn't have but I didn't clue in soon enough) and a family where there comforting their mother on the death of her mother. She was crying into a phone explaining the things she now had to do as executor and it was so painfully sad. I realized as the doors closed and kept my beak shut and flashed what I thought must look like a sympathetic look, then turned and took my gaze off them. I had a quick look at one handsome lad who seemed least affected, wondered if he was part of the group. He seemed like part, but apart. Well anyway that was weird. Then the sobbing here or the screaming there or the moaning or coughing in the other place. The place is filled with sounds of misery. It's like walking through hell, really, with trapped angels trying to keep it together and minister to the damned. And I'm so fucking psychic I hear it all. One couple were battling in the washroom and the shuttle driver pushing my wheel chair started getting involved as a figure of authority. My psychic senses knew it was mostly bluster, and my self care senses knew this was utterly not ok. I had to tell her three times to just go report it at security because I couldn't handle being around that. Like dogs in a pack, for crying out loud. We left as the security guard was heading back there.
Sometimes you just have to pass on the chance to be a hero. In this case she was already being one to me.
Oh but all the psychic energy. It feels like I have the flu and a migraine all at once. I cried when he lit the smudge circle. Quietly, just tears, but I cried as soon as the smell hit my nose. it's been too long. I need to smudge more. I've also neglected my spirit. I've neglected everything except art and housekeeping. work life balance? If I hope to make it to road tripping I simply must solve these problems. I may not kill myself but I could disable myself pretty badly.
I wanted to talk about the amazing opportunity to participate in a new tech for bowel issues, a method of ultrasound. I got to watch the screen and the doctor taught me as he went. Nothing I love better than an educated person teaching me about tech. I've learned that I have an adhesion and radiation damage to my kidneys. I wouldn't be surprised to learn chemo is involved too. I'm frustrated that I never learned about the possibility of kidney damage. I googled, talked, asked and listened (in my own way). But maybe I was just too sick to hear and understand when that talk went through. I hardly remember much from that time, although the clinic time is posted on my memory like pics on a fridge.
So this guy is one of only 5 in canada and he's just chuffed to get to be the expert in his field. He is polish and lived in italy and germany learning this method. it takes a specially built system to do the ultrasound and training to use it. It looked like learning to use it wouldn't give a health professional a lot of trouble. He was pleased to be able to add the data of a post operative patient with cancer and radiation damage to his collection. Mostly he just works with bowel disorders like colitis and crohns and IBD, mostly in the presurgical state advising on surgery. He also leans to non-interference whereever possible, my favorite POV in health care. Try and get the natural system to do the job whenever you can or you could screw that system up so bad it starts malfunctioning and hurting you. But I did persist in eating chocolates and cakes and marshmallows and cotton candy. Not sure what about the CC. I should consider rehoming it. This long four day juice fast has nicely reset my sugar addiction. Now to stay off the stuff.
I think I've talked it out. What a fucking endurance this was. I hope I sleep tonight. I think i will. Probably crash. Oh and dilaudid works on me. Good to know. Oh god, I have so much kidney knowlege to research. I know like next to nothing beyond the school study stuff. Anatomy and function in university biology. I know that stuff. But the chemistry and the healing and the gentling and "kidney care" is going to take me awhile to learn and process! As usual I doubt I can use the existing pros since they generally lean towards playing chemistry set instead of biology harmonization. They fix after the fact more than prevent. Seriously, every time you will get "eat better, lose weight, get more exercise" and that is as detailed as you'll get. Ask a herbalist or a hippy or a wholistic practitioner and you'll be buying and swallowing 10x as much pills and supplements and placebo treatments as you are trying to avoid. I know what I need to know to figure this out and I may be one of few in the world doing so from this POV. IE western health care and science. But I'm not a scientist. Scientists keep better data records. Frankly that's what I was tripping up on as much as the math if not more. They want me to keep a food log. I will try via fitbit. I will. I just couldn't promise because I know how shit I am at it. I should go to bed now.