hot and cold
I get chilly, but without warning, a burn steals over me from my core, and I flush out in sweat, and it takes too long too cool down. I get soaked. It's very random. It sometimes comes along with the ache from my tumour, but mostly it's just completely unpredictable. I've tried googling but there's no explanation out there for it. I guess tumours can do that? It's an endocrine type tumour I read, that colorectal and some others can flood you with hormones, and mess up your system.
I'm also having a lot more pain. The damn thing aches if I try and do anything related to walking or standing, and even sitting, I need to be utterly relaxed, chill, zen, like nearly asleep. That can be hard because my belly is constantly fighting and freaking out, constipated, gas, pain and movement. I still get extremely disgusted by the bag of shit on my stomach. I can't fathom ever taking it as normal even now.
Dan's back into a nice mode. I've been giving him royal shit for anything unpleasant he does. I'm being very hard on him, but like I said in the last tirade, for 10 years I put him first and put up with ridiculous behaviour and for this year he can damn well suck it up and put me first. If I recover we can reevaluate our marriage then, but he just has no rights now, just none, when it comes to "wants."
I guess I got through because he started showing thoughtfulness towards me, even bought me flowers. For my part, my anger towards him is so massive these days it's hard to be nice back, even when he deserves it. I also pointed out that my cancer makes my moods go everywhere, and depending on my pain or illness from one day to the next, what I can do, even mentally, is utterly unpredictable, so he just has to make up the difference because I'm a fucking invalid.
I'm already sick of it. I want to go do fun things, this ain't them.
I'm also having a lot more pain. The damn thing aches if I try and do anything related to walking or standing, and even sitting, I need to be utterly relaxed, chill, zen, like nearly asleep. That can be hard because my belly is constantly fighting and freaking out, constipated, gas, pain and movement. I still get extremely disgusted by the bag of shit on my stomach. I can't fathom ever taking it as normal even now.
Dan's back into a nice mode. I've been giving him royal shit for anything unpleasant he does. I'm being very hard on him, but like I said in the last tirade, for 10 years I put him first and put up with ridiculous behaviour and for this year he can damn well suck it up and put me first. If I recover we can reevaluate our marriage then, but he just has no rights now, just none, when it comes to "wants."
I guess I got through because he started showing thoughtfulness towards me, even bought me flowers. For my part, my anger towards him is so massive these days it's hard to be nice back, even when he deserves it. I also pointed out that my cancer makes my moods go everywhere, and depending on my pain or illness from one day to the next, what I can do, even mentally, is utterly unpredictable, so he just has to make up the difference because I'm a fucking invalid.
I'm already sick of it. I want to go do fun things, this ain't them.