cancer club?
I was thinking about the other patients in the cancer center. The various emotions on their faces. It's a place where people can't well hide their feelings, and probably don't feel the need to. We all know what's going on. We all share the same feelings, in fact. We're all facing humiliating and painful treatments against the face of death. We're all in pain or discomfort, fear and exhaustion, courage and terror. We may be in only one or two of those feelings at a given time, and it changes as we progress through the experience. For the first time in my life, I realize I'm part of a group and we actually share feelings alike. Real feelings. Not impressions or assumptions or ethics or morals, but actual emotions we hold. You can dispute how one might feel about a discussion about some questionable topic, but on the topic of having cancer, you all agree on how you feel.
I finally found a club I can join. Pity we're all too self involved and sick to play together but there you have it. Next time I'm in there, I'm going to think of myself as one of them, more so than before. I sit in that waiting room and people watch, gently. I smile gently when they meet my eyes, try not to project anything, but I'm going to project "yeah, me too, we're in this together" because we are. it's got me crying but I'm not sure why. Well, to be fair, it's exceedingly sad. Just remembering the look on the face of the woman being toured on her intake appointment made me want to wave a magic wand and make it all better.
heh, I should take my magic wand with me and wave it around and if anyone asks why "just in case it works, it's harmless to try!" it'll go nicely with my hat, right?
Yeah, I think that would cheer people up, actually. I need to do it without bursting into tears though, LOL, so maybe practice it at home a few times.
I don't always weep because I'm sad. I weep from sorrow, fear, joy, hope, anger, pretty much any strong feeling. Honestly, if I could get a tap installed to shut down the flow and restrict it so it just keeps my eyes moist like it should, I would, I really would. I could learn to control my facial expression, but the red nose and eyes, swollen lips, and flowing tears, they are outside my control. I wish I could. I do find, however, that if I can get the tears absorbed before they spill from my eyelids, I won't descend as far into weeping, and will stop sooner.
I don't want to sit up this long, but then I realize, I should update how it's been generally.
So last week saw me riding my bike, running errands, being quite active. I maybe injured my rectal mass, because it's been giving me grief since Friday, although it appears to be somewhat less horrible as each day passes. That might mean it's healing the damage done by overactivity.
I've been on the couch again for a week, and have no expectation of a more active lifestyle till next june or july after the treatments and surgery are behind me. I wish, and I would like it, but it just didn't work. I was pleased to learn my muscles hadn't atrophied too badly. I lifted a wheelbarrow, handled my bike well, and other than mild balance issues and reduced stamina, handled the activity as well as before I got so very ill. So anemia was the better part of my weakness this winter.
I've had my teeth done up. At one point the abscess became dangerously infected so the specialist dentist, the one who did the fancy drilling on it, put me on high strength antibiotics. They got to work right away and appear to have done the job.
I've got a counselor I see weekly at the center. she's a sweet, smart young woman and quite nice to look at. She seems to find me interesting and amusing, so that's good. She called me brilliant and enlightening and I had a ton of trouble hearing it. I believe I'm brilliant and enlightened, but I also believe I'm not allowed to own those qualities. I'm not officially qualified, and female, etc. So I don't know what to do with the way those compliments affect me. Pleased to be noticed, yet terrified of being bullied for it down the road. I really need to figure out how better to handle bullies, perhaps? Feel less afraid of it? she asked me to think about it, and that's it, I think it's my fear of being bullied or rejected that makes it hard to take compliments. Afraid if I let them sink in, they'll "go to my head" and result in punishment.
The treatments begin next week. I'm on a chemo drug I take at home, and radiation on weekdays. I don't take either on weekends to give my body time to recover from the week. I find it a bit scary to try and think too much about it. The mind wants to wonder how sick will I get, or will it work, or how much will it hurt, but those thought roads won't produce useful results, so need to be turned away from.
My bladder is being compressed, so I pee every two hours. It seems like a lot comes out sometimes, though, so maybe my kidneys are overworking? I'm having issues with constipation too in spite of trying very hard to eat properly and drink enough. I am not eating enough, I know that. It's just such a nuisance to try and make food and Dan's away till late and doesn't really cook. I got him to fry up some fish the other day. That went well. But for me, it's just so much pain if I stand doing kitchen tasks for a half hour to make food, that I just don't. I don't know. At the same time, I made it through four hours yesterday of being mostly vertical. I sat sideways in the chair at counselling and that went on 90mins and gave me a good rest. Or maybe it's because if things go badly while I"m cooking, the food still can burn, fail, or spoil waiting on me in the toilet or resting.
Well so my weight has gone down, anyway. Oh and constipation. Goddamn, these nasty rocks coming out of the stoma sure hurt coming out and they're not easy to move through. Plus when it's all stopped I just lose interest in eating, hence the less appetite.
Tom showed up spontaneously to help with housework this week. That really pleased me. He's really decided to be a friend to me now and he's doing exactly that. It's nice because Iris has been a complete let down. She isn't even contacting me regularly anymore. when she did stuff for me, it was always not what I'd asked, or even something not particularly useful, like a stuffed animal toy. I would very much like to have a stronger relationship with her but it's so much work. She's very particular, I'm very particular, and she is less inclined to bend than I. Without us both bending a bit, it doesn't work!
Eileen wants to be over more, but I think I need to call her to come. I think she's in too much emotion to initiate. After Theresa finishes her treatment this afternoon I'll invite Eileen. I could use a visitor. Even if my stoma IS being terribly rude today (lots of farty noises).
Ok, so I think I've caught you up. Errands I ran? I picked up ostomy supplies, some new stuff and some replenishments. I dropped off paper at Dan's accountant. I stopped at Lush for creams and potions. I love their stuff. It always smells so pure and clean, even when it's flowery or strongly scented.
Oh, and I was told to drop the kelp, krill oil, aleve and other NSAIDs, and vitamin E oil from my diet during chemo. These things conflict with the capecitabine, mostly making bleeding issues worse. Your blood gets thinner, you get fewer platelets and white blood cells, specifically the nutrosomething? Nutriphil, that's the name.
The different types of white blood cells are neutrophils, basophils, eosinophils, lymphocytes, monocytes, and macrophages.
Neutrophils defend against bacterial or fungal infection as the most common first responders to microbial infection.
Source: Boundless. “WBC Function.” Boundless Anatomy and Physiology. Boundless, 13 Apr. 2016. Retrieved 13 May. 2016 from https://www.boundless.com/physiology/textbooks/boundless-anatomy-and-physiology-textbook/cardiovascular-system-blood-17/white-blood-cells-166/wbc-function-832-4473/
So there's a whole list of side effects to watch for and things to do, depending on which tissues are affected and what the effect is. I'm just hoping my general robustness will carry me through with minimal frights.
Well I need to use the toilet and Theresa is due in 10 mins or so.
I finally found a club I can join. Pity we're all too self involved and sick to play together but there you have it. Next time I'm in there, I'm going to think of myself as one of them, more so than before. I sit in that waiting room and people watch, gently. I smile gently when they meet my eyes, try not to project anything, but I'm going to project "yeah, me too, we're in this together" because we are. it's got me crying but I'm not sure why. Well, to be fair, it's exceedingly sad. Just remembering the look on the face of the woman being toured on her intake appointment made me want to wave a magic wand and make it all better.
heh, I should take my magic wand with me and wave it around and if anyone asks why "just in case it works, it's harmless to try!" it'll go nicely with my hat, right?
Yeah, I think that would cheer people up, actually. I need to do it without bursting into tears though, LOL, so maybe practice it at home a few times.
I don't always weep because I'm sad. I weep from sorrow, fear, joy, hope, anger, pretty much any strong feeling. Honestly, if I could get a tap installed to shut down the flow and restrict it so it just keeps my eyes moist like it should, I would, I really would. I could learn to control my facial expression, but the red nose and eyes, swollen lips, and flowing tears, they are outside my control. I wish I could. I do find, however, that if I can get the tears absorbed before they spill from my eyelids, I won't descend as far into weeping, and will stop sooner.
I don't want to sit up this long, but then I realize, I should update how it's been generally.
So last week saw me riding my bike, running errands, being quite active. I maybe injured my rectal mass, because it's been giving me grief since Friday, although it appears to be somewhat less horrible as each day passes. That might mean it's healing the damage done by overactivity.
I've been on the couch again for a week, and have no expectation of a more active lifestyle till next june or july after the treatments and surgery are behind me. I wish, and I would like it, but it just didn't work. I was pleased to learn my muscles hadn't atrophied too badly. I lifted a wheelbarrow, handled my bike well, and other than mild balance issues and reduced stamina, handled the activity as well as before I got so very ill. So anemia was the better part of my weakness this winter.
I've had my teeth done up. At one point the abscess became dangerously infected so the specialist dentist, the one who did the fancy drilling on it, put me on high strength antibiotics. They got to work right away and appear to have done the job.
I've got a counselor I see weekly at the center. she's a sweet, smart young woman and quite nice to look at. She seems to find me interesting and amusing, so that's good. She called me brilliant and enlightening and I had a ton of trouble hearing it. I believe I'm brilliant and enlightened, but I also believe I'm not allowed to own those qualities. I'm not officially qualified, and female, etc. So I don't know what to do with the way those compliments affect me. Pleased to be noticed, yet terrified of being bullied for it down the road. I really need to figure out how better to handle bullies, perhaps? Feel less afraid of it? she asked me to think about it, and that's it, I think it's my fear of being bullied or rejected that makes it hard to take compliments. Afraid if I let them sink in, they'll "go to my head" and result in punishment.
The treatments begin next week. I'm on a chemo drug I take at home, and radiation on weekdays. I don't take either on weekends to give my body time to recover from the week. I find it a bit scary to try and think too much about it. The mind wants to wonder how sick will I get, or will it work, or how much will it hurt, but those thought roads won't produce useful results, so need to be turned away from.
My bladder is being compressed, so I pee every two hours. It seems like a lot comes out sometimes, though, so maybe my kidneys are overworking? I'm having issues with constipation too in spite of trying very hard to eat properly and drink enough. I am not eating enough, I know that. It's just such a nuisance to try and make food and Dan's away till late and doesn't really cook. I got him to fry up some fish the other day. That went well. But for me, it's just so much pain if I stand doing kitchen tasks for a half hour to make food, that I just don't. I don't know. At the same time, I made it through four hours yesterday of being mostly vertical. I sat sideways in the chair at counselling and that went on 90mins and gave me a good rest. Or maybe it's because if things go badly while I"m cooking, the food still can burn, fail, or spoil waiting on me in the toilet or resting.
Well so my weight has gone down, anyway. Oh and constipation. Goddamn, these nasty rocks coming out of the stoma sure hurt coming out and they're not easy to move through. Plus when it's all stopped I just lose interest in eating, hence the less appetite.
Tom showed up spontaneously to help with housework this week. That really pleased me. He's really decided to be a friend to me now and he's doing exactly that. It's nice because Iris has been a complete let down. She isn't even contacting me regularly anymore. when she did stuff for me, it was always not what I'd asked, or even something not particularly useful, like a stuffed animal toy. I would very much like to have a stronger relationship with her but it's so much work. She's very particular, I'm very particular, and she is less inclined to bend than I. Without us both bending a bit, it doesn't work!
Eileen wants to be over more, but I think I need to call her to come. I think she's in too much emotion to initiate. After Theresa finishes her treatment this afternoon I'll invite Eileen. I could use a visitor. Even if my stoma IS being terribly rude today (lots of farty noises).
Ok, so I think I've caught you up. Errands I ran? I picked up ostomy supplies, some new stuff and some replenishments. I dropped off paper at Dan's accountant. I stopped at Lush for creams and potions. I love their stuff. It always smells so pure and clean, even when it's flowery or strongly scented.
Oh, and I was told to drop the kelp, krill oil, aleve and other NSAIDs, and vitamin E oil from my diet during chemo. These things conflict with the capecitabine, mostly making bleeding issues worse. Your blood gets thinner, you get fewer platelets and white blood cells, specifically the nutrosomething? Nutriphil, that's the name.
Source: Boundless. “WBC Function.” Boundless Anatomy and Physiology. Boundless, 13 Apr. 2016. Retrieved 13 May. 2016 from https://www.boundless.com/physiology/textbooks/boundless-anatomy-and-physiology-textbook/cardiovascular-system-blood-17/white-blood-cells-166/wbc-function-832-4473/
So there's a whole list of side effects to watch for and things to do, depending on which tissues are affected and what the effect is. I'm just hoping my general robustness will carry me through with minimal frights.
Well I need to use the toilet and Theresa is due in 10 mins or so.