hostility is hard on the mind

       We got kicked out of the parking lot at the social center.  The officer told us we'd had complaints.  We can't idle there and we can't stay overnight.  It's so frustrating.  I feel ever more paranoid and hated by the day.  I feel dehumanized.  I feel hunted.  I hunch over in tension and fear and it's giving me back aches and stomach trouble and poor sleep.

The constant high speed traffic on every single street of this insane city doesn't help.

Now I"m running out of fuel and money and it's only a third of the way through the month. Dan hasn't had any more interest in his ads.  He's out of funds too, I think.  He did fuel up today but I suspect he's got not much left.  I don't know his details and it's not my business but  I do know he took out a credit card with way more credit than he can afford and it's going to come back and screw him further.  Money mismanagement is honestly the reason we're homeless in a lot of ways.  Had we not mortgaged the house.  Had we not bought a new car, new bikes, new furniture.  Had we continued to follow the general rules I used to use before he came,we would not now be in such terrible shape, I think.  Maybe we would anyway, I dunno. Even if I didn't have the admittedly small mortgage to pay, I still wouldn't have been able to live there another year.  I was going to lose housing by christmas and with welfare rates like that, it was going to happen. 

Yes, I still didn't fucking get rid of Dan. 

No, I am not happy how my life is.  No, I have not failed to take action to try and improve it. I have done courageous things.  They have failed because  other people interfered and ruined it for me on purpose, with hostile deliberateness.  

But go ahead, blame me so you don't feel quite so vulnerable realizing it could happen to you too.  Blah, it can, bud. Even the high and mighty can fall. You normal between folks are just one honesty away from it yourselves. Yes, I said one honesty.  This world runs on dishonesty and if you don't play along it eats you and takes what you have and spits you out with nothing but the life you're "lucky to have."   Oh no, don't you dare complain.  It's your bad character.  It's your lack of gratitude.  It's your lack of positivity.  Anyone can see by your negative emotions that you willed the universe to be crappy to you.  

In the old days they said you were afflicted by god and thus they shouldn't interfere with God's punishment, but let you suffer as God willed it.

All I hear is "I don't care about anyone but myself and anyone who makes me doubt that, is my enemy."

And that brings me back round to the feeling of hate that seems to emanate from the people of this city.

The officers who come to the door don't seem to regret having to do this. They seem to relish it. They seem hard and hateful, as if they're the concentrated point of the hatred I feel all around me.  

That one woman didn't even look around before telling us to "pick up your trash."  There wasn't any.  When I pointed it out, she was a little taken aback, in fact. But not so much that she softened.  Only that she seemed confused.  As if I'd pulled back the curtain briefly, like in the Wizard of Oz.

It's a level of mindlessness I haven't seen on such a wide scale and I think it's been going on these last 20+ years while I was stuck in that shack in the hood hunkering down and getting sick and being treated like shit by my roommate/spouse.

Seriously, I wish suicide was an option.

I do intend to actually go criminal on the day they take my bus away from me. 

If I don't have this, then I don't have shelter.  If i don't have shelter, then I will force my society to step up and shelter me via the jail.  You think I wouldn't like it there, but I tell you the mean streets of homelessness contain the same assholes minus the shelter, food, and medical care.. What's more, I'm confident I have the ability to get myself tossed into solitary forever, a place where I will finally be allowed to relax and let the nasty people and nasty voices fade into the past. Knowing I don't have to do a fucking thing to worry about making money, impressing others, or convincing someone to give a shit about me.  I bet they even let you have stuff in there for activity. Knitting or reading or coloring, I don't care,really.  Maybe even TV for noise. Not that TV is entertaining anymore, but it feels like someone in the room, you know?  heck, I could probably even amuse myself with writing in the situation where nobody was screaming at me to get money from somewhere.  Honestly, I think that's the primary cause of my anxiety, needing to make money move through my hands personally.  Why can't these fucks just play their monoply without me? Why is it so damn important that I shuffle money from person K to person S through my bank account? let K give it directly to S and leave me out of it? 

But no, any way of living by substitence has been criminalized in all but the most inaccessible places and they are quickly shutting those down too. Not letting anyone live without joining the mad dash for money. Raising the stakes and the ante until people start dropping like flies, then hounding us around like rats  as long as we're alive. 

It's a terrifying world and why should I think my sanity is missing when the world around me is so clearly mad?  Humans aren't naturally sociopathic as a whole but we have naturally selected for them so long now, we've become a sociopathic society.  It's failing.  But not fast enough.  So much suffering as it slowly grinds through everyone. 

And I have to watch it all happen from the front row?  From the arena, really.  I fell out of the audience, i guess?  Time to try and dodge the gladiators and charm the lions?

Humans really suck.  I felt that way as a child, tried hard to forgive and love as an adult, and am returning to it as an elder.  People are evil things. I mean, we don't forgive rats and mice just because they have cute whiskers, and they do a lot less harm.

I just feel so heavy anymore. So alone and helpless and endangered and faithless.