More musing and newsing
I do wait too long, but it's the longest stretch I've kept it up at all, LOL. My diaries/logs/journals and blogs in the past all died before a year was out and then went a year or more between entries. sometimes a spasm of several weeks might be found in the oldest paper diary, every few years. Most of it was just childish stuff of the usual sort it seems. Maybe I'm old enough to read it again and see.
Our desire to read or watch our younger selves comes from a desire to understand ourselves better, right? Would you agree we're always seeking clarity on how we became who we are right now? So we do retrospective looking. Using whatever records we made in our lives.
I propose this basic desire exists at the universal level. That Deity we all sense, which I like to call Life. I like to say it's the consciousness of the aggregated existence of all things living. Well, it's pretty big and has a pretty long life. Big bang to final whimper, it's beyond human quantification. It's my idea that this consciousness is doing just that, finding itself. Whether this is the first experience, or re-experiencing the whole thing in retrospective, each one of us is playing a part in the whole play. Each of us, including plants and non-human animals as well as humans, all living things, is part of that play, our lifetime is our part in it. When we return to the All, we take back what we've learned about who we are, and this enriches the knowing of all things even while filling in a blank on the "who am I" sheet for that Life.
This includes the negatives, please understand. Life includes everything, even the nasty bits like cute little kids dying horribly or being harmed elsehow, and drowned kittens, and, well, all that stuff you look away from. Life can't edit that out, it's part of what can happen, and Life needs to know how it plays out, what's the part of All that does it, how is that part healed and brought to Love? For Love is certainly the goal other than self knowledge. Why go through all this study only to know you're a beast, rather than to learn how to be a God?
Well so in personal news. Next week they will be installing a port in my arm. It'll be put on the inside of my lower arm on the left side. They'll make a space under my skin for it, cutting and then sewing up to implant it subdermally. A tube will be fed through a vein into my heart and connected to the port. Said device is a titanium bowl shape with a silicon rubber lid, like a drum skin. That allows needles through without losing water tightness after they're withdrawn. the system is kept full of either the medicine they're inputting, or special fluid that prevents blood clotting "heparinized saline solution." That's why only trained pros are allowed to use it and it can't be used for drawing blood. For that, it's still my arm veins, the ones on the other arm exclusively. Five days later I start my first IV chemo and come home with a special bottle that feeds medicine through the port for a couple of days longer. FOLFOX is the term for the regime and it goes on every two weeks for the duration of winter. I'll get home care coming in to remove the bottle, I think, or maybe they'll make me go somewhere? I've arranged a ride for the first session and will continue that so I don't have to try and drive or ride a bike. It's too much time commitment for Dan if there's another solution. So volunteer drivers, and boy I like that they're there. I wish I was more socially proactive and could more naturally think of how to say thanks to them. Everything I can think of is a massive effort or expensive.
Well so I'm seeing a PT nurse at the end of December. I hope she can either offer or refer to someone else, teaching to help me strengthen my new abdominal core and protect against incisional hernias. Their focus is incontinence and I do suffer some of that, but they worry about the pelvic floor and I've lost the back half of mine and had it replaced with a chunk of abdomen muscle! Well that now could be having trouble with it's new job, especially as tightening it also makes the rest of my abs tighten. I've already got a tighter stomach than ever before in my life and I'll probably get a 5.5 pack (not a full six because of the repurposed bits, LOL.)
So today I'm running errands by bike. Yeah, bike. I got permission from the plastic surgeon about two weeks ago and got out that day. I've managed 2-4 bike trips a week since, which is good for normalizing it in my head and that makes it easier to get going as the cold sinks in. today was supposed to be pretty balmy for November but the sun refuses to come out, so I don't know how warm it'll actually get.
Ok, it's noon, time to go.
Our desire to read or watch our younger selves comes from a desire to understand ourselves better, right? Would you agree we're always seeking clarity on how we became who we are right now? So we do retrospective looking. Using whatever records we made in our lives.
I propose this basic desire exists at the universal level. That Deity we all sense, which I like to call Life. I like to say it's the consciousness of the aggregated existence of all things living. Well, it's pretty big and has a pretty long life. Big bang to final whimper, it's beyond human quantification. It's my idea that this consciousness is doing just that, finding itself. Whether this is the first experience, or re-experiencing the whole thing in retrospective, each one of us is playing a part in the whole play. Each of us, including plants and non-human animals as well as humans, all living things, is part of that play, our lifetime is our part in it. When we return to the All, we take back what we've learned about who we are, and this enriches the knowing of all things even while filling in a blank on the "who am I" sheet for that Life.
This includes the negatives, please understand. Life includes everything, even the nasty bits like cute little kids dying horribly or being harmed elsehow, and drowned kittens, and, well, all that stuff you look away from. Life can't edit that out, it's part of what can happen, and Life needs to know how it plays out, what's the part of All that does it, how is that part healed and brought to Love? For Love is certainly the goal other than self knowledge. Why go through all this study only to know you're a beast, rather than to learn how to be a God?
Well so in personal news. Next week they will be installing a port in my arm. It'll be put on the inside of my lower arm on the left side. They'll make a space under my skin for it, cutting and then sewing up to implant it subdermally. A tube will be fed through a vein into my heart and connected to the port. Said device is a titanium bowl shape with a silicon rubber lid, like a drum skin. That allows needles through without losing water tightness after they're withdrawn. the system is kept full of either the medicine they're inputting, or special fluid that prevents blood clotting "heparinized saline solution." That's why only trained pros are allowed to use it and it can't be used for drawing blood. For that, it's still my arm veins, the ones on the other arm exclusively. Five days later I start my first IV chemo and come home with a special bottle that feeds medicine through the port for a couple of days longer. FOLFOX is the term for the regime and it goes on every two weeks for the duration of winter. I'll get home care coming in to remove the bottle, I think, or maybe they'll make me go somewhere? I've arranged a ride for the first session and will continue that so I don't have to try and drive or ride a bike. It's too much time commitment for Dan if there's another solution. So volunteer drivers, and boy I like that they're there. I wish I was more socially proactive and could more naturally think of how to say thanks to them. Everything I can think of is a massive effort or expensive.
Well so I'm seeing a PT nurse at the end of December. I hope she can either offer or refer to someone else, teaching to help me strengthen my new abdominal core and protect against incisional hernias. Their focus is incontinence and I do suffer some of that, but they worry about the pelvic floor and I've lost the back half of mine and had it replaced with a chunk of abdomen muscle! Well that now could be having trouble with it's new job, especially as tightening it also makes the rest of my abs tighten. I've already got a tighter stomach than ever before in my life and I'll probably get a 5.5 pack (not a full six because of the repurposed bits, LOL.)
So today I'm running errands by bike. Yeah, bike. I got permission from the plastic surgeon about two weeks ago and got out that day. I've managed 2-4 bike trips a week since, which is good for normalizing it in my head and that makes it easier to get going as the cold sinks in. today was supposed to be pretty balmy for November but the sun refuses to come out, so I don't know how warm it'll actually get.
Ok, it's noon, time to go.