new dog, big mistake?
it feels like a huge mistake. I know it isn't but I also am stuck here in the hard times feeling regret. Not real regret, just fear and tension. I didn't want a dog THIS big. She's impossible to exercise enough and Timmy is going all aggro on her because he owns all and she's got no right to exist in the middle of it. Dan's going all aggro because he has no skills for self observation, let along coping with his feelings. We're both tense worrying about this stranger in our house. Bigger than a wolf, she's big enough to kill everything we love and we're terribly aware of it. but she isn't. She's just a little kid hoping to please us and doesn't understand what we want, why we're shy, and mostly, why that little snapper is so mean. I worry about her not understanding that my rabbit isn't prey. Mostly I worry that Dan's outbursts will lead to a fracas causing harm to Timmy. he loses his temper so unexpectedly. He ramps up the energy as a way of interacting. he gets mad at me for correcting him. He pitches fits in his truck and breaks stuff. I'm so exhausted. I played captain of a mutinous ship all night and all morning as well as fed, walked and played with the giant. She's so bad on the leash that correcting her put a hole in the thumb of my favorite gloves. Now I need time to darn them, but I have pilates today, reiki and vet appointment tomorrow, and I dunno what'll come up the next day. Next week, if I haven't gotten to where I feel safe with Pyper in the house alone with Timmy and the rabbit, I have to figure out what to do with her. My plan, if I'm stuck, is to put her in the van with her bed and some chews and leave her to it. If she screams or destroys the interior, well there we have it. I'll then have to deal with Dan. It's exhausting, took me to tears while washing dishes. I feel so alone in this endeavour. Nobody stepping forward to walk or help dog sit or anything. Dan's not stepping up, he's acting like a child with this "you decided this, it's all on you" attitude. Unspoken but clear. I told him repeatedly to speak up if he's not on board and he never did, but now it's all on me. I can't make that different. when he's gone things are pretty quiet, but pyper gets restless quite easily. then timmy starts growling. Over it all, there's all these time frames I have to fit into. Remember to eat. Remember to get dressed in time. Figure out how to schedule. All on me, myself, and I'm sick with chemo. It's infuriating if I stop to think about it but I just have to keep going. Rest my body and try to calm my mind whenever the opportunity occurs and trust that it'll be enough. It's just. Why must I always be the only strong one? Why am I so alone in being strong? Why can't HE do better? Why isn't there someone else in my life to help pick up the pieces now and then?
Well that's the pity parade marching around back there making me cry. Nowhere else to rant this much, so here it is. She's a lovely dog, really, and if we can pull this initial phase off, it's going to be so cool having this large dog in our lives. Everyone needs to learn better manners but otherwise, this isn't a disaster. It just feels like one.
For example, the new toy has been designated "prey to die" and Dan's acting like a prized ming vase is under threat. Come on, Dan, it's a dog toy and while disappointing for it to die so fast, is it really relevant to anything? Is your money such a decider of value that it is worth fucking up this scene over a toy? He's such a fucking coward sometimes it astonishes me. How could such a tough scrappy guy have so little control over his own feelings that he freaks out so easily? He's putting it all on me too, because he knows the dogs can't be held accountable. Asshole. I'm glad he's off at work. That's my peace time. he gets home and right away is getting the dogs all "happy" excited but doesn't then take the big one out and use that energy. Just goes and sits down after stirring it up and listens to music and acts like nothing's wrong. I try and explain and he tells me I don't know anything, I'm wrong, no, it's not like that, shut up you're overreacting, etc. He's the one who overreacts! I've not raised my voice since that dog arrived except to bark once if she's ignoring me. I have been very calm, very controlled. Overreacting? How about shouting out after dropping your dog? How about shouting at me when I turn my back and that dog, within reach of you and you're watching him, jumps after the giant? Now THATs overreacting. I wish ceasar Milan could come here, Dan'd listen to him. he'd help me communicate "calm submissive" and "calm assertive" postures and why losing your nut is such a serious issue.
Ok, gotta eat this damn banana then race off to the groomer's and pilates. then race back to groomers, then wash the car, then come home and feed the dogs, then walk the big one, then cope with the giant ape with bad manners.
Well that's the pity parade marching around back there making me cry. Nowhere else to rant this much, so here it is. She's a lovely dog, really, and if we can pull this initial phase off, it's going to be so cool having this large dog in our lives. Everyone needs to learn better manners but otherwise, this isn't a disaster. It just feels like one.
For example, the new toy has been designated "prey to die" and Dan's acting like a prized ming vase is under threat. Come on, Dan, it's a dog toy and while disappointing for it to die so fast, is it really relevant to anything? Is your money such a decider of value that it is worth fucking up this scene over a toy? He's such a fucking coward sometimes it astonishes me. How could such a tough scrappy guy have so little control over his own feelings that he freaks out so easily? He's putting it all on me too, because he knows the dogs can't be held accountable. Asshole. I'm glad he's off at work. That's my peace time. he gets home and right away is getting the dogs all "happy" excited but doesn't then take the big one out and use that energy. Just goes and sits down after stirring it up and listens to music and acts like nothing's wrong. I try and explain and he tells me I don't know anything, I'm wrong, no, it's not like that, shut up you're overreacting, etc. He's the one who overreacts! I've not raised my voice since that dog arrived except to bark once if she's ignoring me. I have been very calm, very controlled. Overreacting? How about shouting out after dropping your dog? How about shouting at me when I turn my back and that dog, within reach of you and you're watching him, jumps after the giant? Now THATs overreacting. I wish ceasar Milan could come here, Dan'd listen to him. he'd help me communicate "calm submissive" and "calm assertive" postures and why losing your nut is such a serious issue.
Ok, gotta eat this damn banana then race off to the groomer's and pilates. then race back to groomers, then wash the car, then come home and feed the dogs, then walk the big one, then cope with the giant ape with bad manners.