new year under way
Yep, it's time to remember to change how I write the year. Whoopee.
So I'm still not well. The parasites were probably a response to the original problem. I'm quite sure it's simply impaction, not cancer, but I"m badly blocked up. I've been taking hot baths and massaging, even through my vaginal walls (kinda freaky but it works) and hydrating it with water. I can feel a mass in there, all hard and packed, and it's what's hurting the tissue when I strain and all.
So lots of fiber, and I've begun using the treadmill to encourage motility, but mostly I'm just enduring pain and exhaustion. Well, actually small amounts of the mass are exiting, so that's promising. I'm so grossed out by it all, though. Eat your veggies, don't just buy and prepare them then send them to the compost, actually eat them.
Dan's been better since before christmas. He listens when I tell him to calm down, not get ragey, etc. It's enough, I don't expect some kind of amazing marriage. I'd rather be in a crappy marriage than none at all, especially with my terrible earning power! But mostly, it'd be a lot lonelier without him. How in hell would I find anyone to visit, or get any input outside my own house?
Well anyway, I'm feeling emotionally fine and physically crappy which is a switch for me indeed! My ass hurts. I think I must have said "pain in the ass" too often in my life. All the organs in the region get involved when one organ is ill. The ass is inflamed, so the bladder is inflamed and the kidneys putting out extra liquid (frequent pee trips on top of the rectal spasms and gas). All the muscles in my pelvis and some from my legs too are cramping painfully. Massaging and adjusting to them is making my arms and upper back tired. Laying around too much makes my legs twitch. You get the idea. It's tiring.
I just realized, tired as I feel, I must plan in a treadmill walk too. A daily bath for now, it helps me feel cleaner and lets me massage things in nice clean water. I'm grateful I can keep the water in long enough to go from tub to toilet. I don't soil the bath water. The first few times I flushed I worked in an empty tub and it was horrifying. I still sometimes feel like the tub is still dirty, although it's surely cleaned out by now. LOL I just live with it and don't tell anyone else who might occasion to get squicked out by it.
It's funny how I'm finally ill enough to solicit sympathy, tell a tale, contact people, whatever, and it's too nasty and disgusting and humiliating a problem to tell anyone anything! I kind of allude, and don't want to detail. Someone on g+ actually inquired about symptoms and I couldn't bring myself to list them. Just told her to use google as I found the list too long and discomfiting to write. I've always been fairly germ aware. I mostly trust my immune system for the ordinary biology, but at the same time, see no need to leave pockets of filth sitting around my environment. I'm clean. I get dirty, like the floors go too long or such, but even then it's never as bad as the slobs I've known.
I've known a lot of dirty people and they never think they're dirty. I find that interesting. The brain must filter it out like mine filters out clocks and calendars and anything that fragments a day into more than 3 or 4 parts, or something. I think I dislike being forced to pay attention to time. It's cost me some wanted experiences, but hasn't been a conscious choice. If anything my dislike is because of the difficulty. I used to time my day using the tv somewhat, that helped. If I knew the tv schedules well enough I could know if i had a half hour, hour, or even more if a movie, and what time it was. The changeover of programs were extremely noticeable yet gentle ways of keeping track of the passing of time.
I really don't feel it pass internally. It's just more data in my head. the data has no measure.
There's a universe in there, not unlike our outer universe, but instead of matter, it's data. As it expands, and as each dark star is discovered and connected with it's neighbors, it gets brighter. That can make older stuff harder to spot as it's usually part of a haze of info, but it's usually there. Not a lot of my stars wink out from what I've seen, rather they get ignored unless the information is needed, and if ignored a long time, the map to them may be lost. Then it takes a star hopping journey to get the data.
Say you want the planet "that time I got stung on back of a bike" but it wasn't coming up. So you don't know you forgot it, and you don't even realize you want it, but the topic of bees comes up and it leads to the beestings of your life and that leads to the dirtbike which takes you back to the sunny fields of childhood. There you are, in the oldest part of your universe, surrounded by the light of your memories, where you'd forgotten before.
I don't know how other people's memories and brains work. How could I? I do know I've never read a description of the internals of someone's mentation which matched my experience, except the odd genius now and then.
Yet I'm not technically a genius, you see, because I'm undeveloped and unused. You can't be a genius if you're not valued by your community, especially without a penis! Oh my no. Add emotions on top? Well forget about it. Go bake something, woman.
yeah, well, I have a damn elephant's memory but don't ask me to notice dates, names, arbitrary lables, and other human applied stickers. Humans like to overlay the data with all these weird memorization tags. I'm beginning to understand the value of understanding the time context of historical knowlege. It's useful to understand what level of tech, civilization, religion, what nearby lands were like, etc.
Well okay, anyway, my brain just doesn't have tags back to that kind of stuff. It doesn't link, like the routes between points on a map or stars in a universe.
But my internal concept of how much I can know, that seems infinite to me.
So I'm still not well. The parasites were probably a response to the original problem. I'm quite sure it's simply impaction, not cancer, but I"m badly blocked up. I've been taking hot baths and massaging, even through my vaginal walls (kinda freaky but it works) and hydrating it with water. I can feel a mass in there, all hard and packed, and it's what's hurting the tissue when I strain and all.
So lots of fiber, and I've begun using the treadmill to encourage motility, but mostly I'm just enduring pain and exhaustion. Well, actually small amounts of the mass are exiting, so that's promising. I'm so grossed out by it all, though. Eat your veggies, don't just buy and prepare them then send them to the compost, actually eat them.
Dan's been better since before christmas. He listens when I tell him to calm down, not get ragey, etc. It's enough, I don't expect some kind of amazing marriage. I'd rather be in a crappy marriage than none at all, especially with my terrible earning power! But mostly, it'd be a lot lonelier without him. How in hell would I find anyone to visit, or get any input outside my own house?
Well anyway, I'm feeling emotionally fine and physically crappy which is a switch for me indeed! My ass hurts. I think I must have said "pain in the ass" too often in my life. All the organs in the region get involved when one organ is ill. The ass is inflamed, so the bladder is inflamed and the kidneys putting out extra liquid (frequent pee trips on top of the rectal spasms and gas). All the muscles in my pelvis and some from my legs too are cramping painfully. Massaging and adjusting to them is making my arms and upper back tired. Laying around too much makes my legs twitch. You get the idea. It's tiring.
I just realized, tired as I feel, I must plan in a treadmill walk too. A daily bath for now, it helps me feel cleaner and lets me massage things in nice clean water. I'm grateful I can keep the water in long enough to go from tub to toilet. I don't soil the bath water. The first few times I flushed I worked in an empty tub and it was horrifying. I still sometimes feel like the tub is still dirty, although it's surely cleaned out by now. LOL I just live with it and don't tell anyone else who might occasion to get squicked out by it.
It's funny how I'm finally ill enough to solicit sympathy, tell a tale, contact people, whatever, and it's too nasty and disgusting and humiliating a problem to tell anyone anything! I kind of allude, and don't want to detail. Someone on g+ actually inquired about symptoms and I couldn't bring myself to list them. Just told her to use google as I found the list too long and discomfiting to write. I've always been fairly germ aware. I mostly trust my immune system for the ordinary biology, but at the same time, see no need to leave pockets of filth sitting around my environment. I'm clean. I get dirty, like the floors go too long or such, but even then it's never as bad as the slobs I've known.
I've known a lot of dirty people and they never think they're dirty. I find that interesting. The brain must filter it out like mine filters out clocks and calendars and anything that fragments a day into more than 3 or 4 parts, or something. I think I dislike being forced to pay attention to time. It's cost me some wanted experiences, but hasn't been a conscious choice. If anything my dislike is because of the difficulty. I used to time my day using the tv somewhat, that helped. If I knew the tv schedules well enough I could know if i had a half hour, hour, or even more if a movie, and what time it was. The changeover of programs were extremely noticeable yet gentle ways of keeping track of the passing of time.
I really don't feel it pass internally. It's just more data in my head. the data has no measure.
There's a universe in there, not unlike our outer universe, but instead of matter, it's data. As it expands, and as each dark star is discovered and connected with it's neighbors, it gets brighter. That can make older stuff harder to spot as it's usually part of a haze of info, but it's usually there. Not a lot of my stars wink out from what I've seen, rather they get ignored unless the information is needed, and if ignored a long time, the map to them may be lost. Then it takes a star hopping journey to get the data.
Say you want the planet "that time I got stung on back of a bike" but it wasn't coming up. So you don't know you forgot it, and you don't even realize you want it, but the topic of bees comes up and it leads to the beestings of your life and that leads to the dirtbike which takes you back to the sunny fields of childhood. There you are, in the oldest part of your universe, surrounded by the light of your memories, where you'd forgotten before.
I don't know how other people's memories and brains work. How could I? I do know I've never read a description of the internals of someone's mentation which matched my experience, except the odd genius now and then.
Yet I'm not technically a genius, you see, because I'm undeveloped and unused. You can't be a genius if you're not valued by your community, especially without a penis! Oh my no. Add emotions on top? Well forget about it. Go bake something, woman.
yeah, well, I have a damn elephant's memory but don't ask me to notice dates, names, arbitrary lables, and other human applied stickers. Humans like to overlay the data with all these weird memorization tags. I'm beginning to understand the value of understanding the time context of historical knowlege. It's useful to understand what level of tech, civilization, religion, what nearby lands were like, etc.
Well okay, anyway, my brain just doesn't have tags back to that kind of stuff. It doesn't link, like the routes between points on a map or stars in a universe.
But my internal concept of how much I can know, that seems infinite to me.